Lack of boundaries

[Brainengaged1]

I really am at a loss to start here . I'm with my fiancé and he has two children from a previous relationship. I love him dearly , but his kids are driving me insane . He has an autistic teenager son whose monopolises our time and I almost dread it when I see him . His chatting has become worse , so that I feel excluded and I become smaller . I don't live in the same house but now find myself finding reasons to shorten my stays . I mention it to my partner and although he understands, not really sure what he can do about it . Even when I call my partner on camera rhe son is there and I feel like I'm having no privacy . What do I do ? I get the autism issue , but it doesn't help me process any better and our precious time is ruined

@Crazycatlady79 I have nothing but pure respect and admiration for parents who are raising kids with special needs . I am not sure why you think I am being dismissive of 'the autism thing' but I appreciate and agree your other viewpoints,

Think carefully @Brainengaged1. Once married you won't be able to go home when it becomes too much, even if the DC are teenaged they could be at home for another ten years - how will you manage?

Are you happy to be unhappy?

that is the saddest part of it because we all deserve happiness in our lives . He has dedicated his whole life to his children and that's what makes him so beautiful. Like you said autism isn't going to change, and i guess the question is how much my fiancée is wiling / able to look at options for his future needs .

This is a really grey area and unless your kids needs are very clearly high enough that they'll never live independently its hard to know how long it will last. DSS may not even qualify for any option other then his dad caring for him amd providing the support he needs. There really isn't much support out there.

My DC will probably need some degree of support for much longer then normal, but will I believe eventually be able to live independently. I won't be looking at any form of supported accommodation when they're young adults because the aim will be to prepare them slowly for independent living. I also think it's highly unlikely they'd qualify. I won't be getting into any relationships, because ultimately it's not fair on any partner I'd have or my kids. If he's a good dad he will prioritise them as he should. Sometimes the life circumstances the person you love aren't compatible with your happiness and then you have to make the choice of what's best for you and that might be to end the relationship. It's just the reality for many of us with SN kids.

This relationship clearly isn't right for you, and that's okay. As much as you might wish things will change, he sounds like a decent father who rightly puts his children first. In the future he might decide on a different arrangement for DS, but his sons wellbeing will be centred in that, not you wanting some peace. It is very intense for parents in situations like this, but it is what it is; do yourself and him a favour and walk away if it's not what you want.

His chatting has become worse

Are you saying his son talks too much for your liking?

So what if she is?
This is a support forum for step parents, she's not saying this to his face....

@seedsandseeds , I don't wish to be misunderstood. Some people on spectrum are verbal and some are not neurodivergent people are all different . His anxiety causes him to be excessive in his communication style . . It's not about liking or not liking it . It's stressful for the whole family including his Dad .

@PrawnAgain

"This is a support forum for step parents, she's not saying this to his face."

Thank you for saying this , sometimes I think people don't intend to be judgemental but it can can come across as that .

You describe it as "worse" that's negative.

@PrawnAgain I can still post and comment.

@seedsandseeds
I am curious to hear from you a positive solution or a helpful comment .

Yes you can. And I can reply to your comments. That's how it works.
I was pointing out that it's ok for step parents to talk about their feelings here because that's what this forum is for.

Again, so what? The op feels negatively towards her situation so is posting about it on an appropriate forum. Why is this an issue for you?

I'm pretty sure she is being intentionally judgemental 😂

Is that a rule I've missed?

@PrawnAgain She's describing a behaviour of a disability in a negative manner. Poor kid.

What would you like him to do, put them in a cupboard whilst he sees you?

OP, however difficult things are now, it won't touch the sides of how hard it will be living together full time.
You are notbwrong to find it hard.
It is very hard for parents.
Listen carefully to your gut.
You will bitterly regret not doing so and hoping it works out.
It won't
Far better to make a tough decision now than to cause the drama of marriage and divorce.
It is the kinder thing to do.
You do not owe anyone this sacrifice, no matter how nice and kind he is.
Put yourself first.

I appreciate the perspective that these forums can bring , However , I can see elements of recent comments I believe are inflammatory / designed to portray me as someone who is discriminatory against those who have a disability. This is offensive to my sensibilities
My post is purely about my being a in relationship where there are special needs children , and the dilemma I'm in , and my own internal struggle of wanting to be with him , but adjusting and coping with the reality that come along with that .

OP, you're focusing on the future potential relationship you could have with other your DP if his kids had "grown & flown".

The reality is:

1. They may never fly the nest due to their additional needs, so they may be living with him (& you, if you marry) forever.

1. In any relationship you need to base your decisions on how life is now, currently in these days and weeks of your life. Does that make you happy? If not, will something that's easily changeable (say, a partner doing more housework) make you happy & your life equitable?

In your situation, the answer to Q.2 is no.

You can give all of yourself to DP, but he is only ever going to be able to give you what is left of him after he's cared for his DC and I truly don't think that will be enough for you, not today, not tomorrow and not for the next 50yrs.

And that's ok. You want someone who can match the time and energy you can put into a relationship and he can't. Whilst the reasons he can't is because he's caring for his DC and that's a good thing, it doesn't change the reality that he cannot govern you what you want.

I went through a difficult time with my ex partner’s children and it broke me. The relationship ended but it was tough. Taking on someone else’s children is a massive thing and you need to be committed totally for it to have a chance of working. I do sympathise because it is is very hard OP but please please make sure you’re totally committed before carrying on with this man, his kids will always be in his life and yes there will be more challenges and issues compared to a man with no children.

It would be easier to split now rather than ten years down the line when you’re potentially married. It is easier said than done though and it is a heartbreaking choice but if you’re unhappy now then that’s an indicator that you may not be happy with this situation ever. It’ll most likely get worse and then it’ll be even tougher to make that call. I sympathise though OP and understand you want to do what’s best for not only you, but for the entire family.

I wish you the best of luck in making that choice.

Yes. She's allowed to talk about her own feelings in a place the child won't hear / read.

Behaviours associated with disability can be difficult for the family as well as the disabled person. This is why respite care and support groups for carers exist. Would you go onto a carers forum and tell them they shouldn't talk negatively about their own experiences?

She's allowed to talk about her own feelings in a place the child won't hear / read.

Indeed. As am I.

difficult for the family as well as the disabled person. This is why respite care and support groups for carers exist. Would you go onto a carers forum and tell them they shouldn't talk negatively about their own experiences?

She's not talking negatively about her own experiences, she's talking negatively about a behaviour associated with a disability of a child who she does not care for.

The points you're trying to make don't tally. If she can post what she likes then so can I.

@seedsandseeds

I think you are missing the point here , and your responses appear to be intentional , destructive and at worse misinformed .

What exactly is it you have to offer in terms of advice / ideas / suggestions etc , as I'm still waiting (as probably is everyone else at this stage )