Lack of boundaries

[Brainengaged1]

I really am at a loss to start here . I'm with my fiancé and he has two children from a previous relationship. I love him dearly , but his kids are driving me insane . He has an autistic teenager son whose monopolises our time and I almost dread it when I see him . His chatting has become worse , so that I feel excluded and I become smaller . I don't live in the same house but now find myself finding reasons to shorten my stays . I mention it to my partner and although he understands, not really sure what he can do about it . Even when I call my partner on camera rhe son is there and I feel like I'm having no privacy . What do I do ? I get the autism issue , but it doesn't help me process any better and our precious time is ruined

Where does it say I have to respond to your thread with your requests?

Of course you post what you like . You said this earlier and I agreed and said I can respond to your posts. We're both free to post what we like.

Yes she is posting negatively about the impact of the behaviour. So what? This a place for step parents to talk about their lives, positively and negatively.

You are also posting negatively and being quites strange. Repeating yourself over and over but not really making any points or offering any advice to the OP.

Of course you post what you like . You said this earlier and I agreed and said I can respond to your posts.

Perfect. Then no need to discuss further with you.

So , I really could do with some advice on how I can approach the subject with my fiancé . I have such an appreciation of parents who have sn children, and their selflessness.

I haven't decided yet what I'm going to do , but we do Love each other dearly and I do know I need to talk it through with him first .

I'd say it depends. Are you approaching him to end it amicably or are you thinking there's potential to work it out?

Children tend to monopolise their parents time. Alert the fuckin papers.

@seedsandseeds
How about doing this based on both of your options ?
Option 1 end amicably
Option 2 continue and talk it out

Unless you start trying to pick on the op by posting nonsense again. Then I'll defend her which I'm sure will be fine with you because everyone can post what they like.

As someone with asd, parenting a disabled child alone I would say try not to use his dc's needs as a reason to end things, as in don't tell him that's the reason.
Personally, I feel ostracised enough so to hear further that my child's extra needs could cause this may be tricky to handle. I think he's already aware. You could be honest without being that honest?

In terms of working things out, it would depend on the level of needs and how old your children are and how involved you'd potentially feel able to be.
Could you see yourself living with him in the future?
Is it possible for his child(ren) to live independently of him in the future?
Would you like to be a step mother or would you prefer to be "dad's partner"?

Unless you start trying to pick on the op by posting nonsense again. Then I'll defend her which I'm sure will be fine with you because everyone can post what they like.

Much like the bs you've just posted.

@seedsandseeds

Your explanation and response makes everything clear now , and I'll leave it there .

Depending on the autism. He might be needed in his sons life for forever ....are there not other men around ?

I don't want to have a go but please don't marry this man as living with him and his child will be impossible for you. As for talking about assisted living - I think that is really not your decision to make and even suggesting it makes you a special kind of selfish. I don't know if you are planning on children - if so genetically your partner is very likely to have another autistic child.

So i thinks it's timely to share some information, we are are both mature parents , so def won't be having more kids.
We do though need to talk about options for his care after we are no longer here - so I don't think that's selfish and I think its kind to prepare him for independent and assisted living ( of course not right now , but in the future )

he has a great support network

People often say things like that but I'm nd so my thoughts aren't akin to the usual.

I'd say that puts you in a better positon.

Has he discussed his dcs' future at all? Are they high functioning?

It much depends on that but also your willingness to potentially live with them in the future. Having said that though, even nt children can potentially move out later than previously.

Your thread title is Lack of Boundaries.

Can you elaborate on this and explain what boundaries you would like to see put in place.

Your posts make it sound like you want rid of your potential DSS. I can fully understand why you would find it stressful to live with him, but you really don’t have to do you?

I am not sure why I am being perceived as wanting to get rid of dss and am regretting even using this forum to talk without extreme judgement from some of the commentators here

I just want to be able to have some private alone time with his Dad , and not every date includes dss

The dss is 17 yrs old .

So ideal boundaries would be
Allowing some free time for parents
Speaking on phone without him being present for entire call
Being overly beaky on private conversations

Is that too much ?

I think of all that sounds fair enough. I’d add in looking for a babysitter - if his can’t be left alone - and setting some adult date time.

If he was both of your biological child then you’d be ‘allowed’ to make time for yourself as a couple and to have private conversations etc. The question is though, why isn’t your DP doing this?

First, well done on being honest. It isn't easy. I don't think this situation will improve and will actually become harder so you'd be best to walk away. No judgment and wishing you well

I think Dp feels totally responsible and guilty for a variety of reasons so finds it difficult to enforce time for him/us . The dss suffered abuse in their early years .

It's not too much to want but with a nd child it can be unlikely.