Does anyone else actually like being a step parent.

[Outandabout43]

All I see is people hating being a step parent, is it because people only want to vent their stress and for those where it is going well dont post as no need to ask for advise, or do most people struggle?

I'm pretty happy. DSCs are 15 and 17 now and have always been lovely and I'm friendly with their mum when I see her which isn't much these days.

I love being a stepmum. I think in a lot of cases the reason people are so unhappy is down to their partner. Either not putting them first, not having boundaries with the ex and Disney dadding. Having a supportive partner who prioritises you and actually parents his kids is key I think.

Two of my siblings are step parents and both are happy with it. One is very involved with the child the other not so much. The wider family take the lead from them. One child I would consider my niece just as much as my blood nieces/ nephews. My children see them as a cousin. The others we see very occasionally but like them. They have a lot of other family so don’t need yet more aunts, uncles, grandparents.

Step parenting does appear complicated, I wouldn’t want to do it . It seems like there are different ways of doing it depending on the circumstances.

People post looking for advice and reassurance, it’s a place to anonymously vent. The people who are happy don’t go to mumsnet looking for validation.

FWIW I hate being a step parent 😂 although tbh I don’t class myself as one truly. I have detached as much as possible without emigrating.

Completely this. Dad daughter relationship. If "little wife syndrome/Disney dad" adds most strain. It can also lead to lack of respect for your partner particularly if he is dropped snd picked up and often emotionally abused. Maybe it's guilt but hard to endure when they act like superfans around their off spring especially adult off spring.

I think a lot of people don't love being a step parent. It all depends on if you have other kids, if there is conflict with the ex, etc. And also you have a lot of the hard work of looking after kids but don't always get that rewarding fuzzy feeling of when it's your own child. Obviously there are some that love it, but I don't hear people say that often.

Yeah I love it now they're in their teens. It was hard a few years back

I love it! I agree with PP who said having a DP who is both a good partner and a good parent is key. I think it's also important to be clear about what the step parent role is going to look like in your family, so everyone is on the same page.
Lots of the situations on this board look awful but being a step parent doesn't have to be.

Agree with this completely.

Older step parent and do luv both but often feel excluded as after 20 plus yrs still rarely get a phone call or text on our family group whatsap and when a chat starts my posts get ignored
How are u treated ?

I’ve been in my SC’s lives for over 10 years.

I wouldn’t choose to be a SP again and was naive when I went into it in my mid 40’s.

My DH has been very supportive but his EW is extremely toxic & bitter - still 13 years after their divorce. She has been the main problem and has done everything she can to alienate the kids as a punishment to my now DH for leaving her (and no - I wasn’t the OH).

The older SC (now 19) has been completely poisoned by her mum and I don’t have any relationship with her. I haven’t seen her for 4 years and TBH it’s a relief as she was an absolute misery to be around.

The younger SC (now 16) I have a pretty decent relationship with but he would never hug me or text me. If his mum ever found out he was nice to me in any way war world break out and he has a loyalty bind.

If I never had anything to do with them again I wouldn’t miss them (sadly). I’ve really tried but their mum has done everything in her power to alienate the kids from their dad and me. It’s so sad that they have been weaponised but after years of letting it affect me / upset me - I’m over it now.

My friend married a guy when they were both in their 40s. He had a 10 yr old 50:50 when they got together. She had no children. She is delighted to be able to join in some mum stuff. Does a lot for the SC. Enjoys talking about him and making plans for him. Spends loads of money on him.
I think a SC filled a gap for her so maybe it can work for people who don’t have their own DC.
Her DH got lucky as she is happy to give all her time, energy and money to look after his child.

I like it, not always but generally. It’s been a process for sure and has taken a long time of figuring out both how to be a step parent to my step kids and how to share parenting of my own bio kids with a step parent (OH), but so far it’s been successful - we’ve lived together two years now and I would say it’s only the last six months or so that it really feels like it’s all come together properly. We are a complicated blend but everyone gets on well and the house is pretty harmonious. Biggest reasons it’s worked for us as a couple is: OH isn’t a deadbeat; we talk ALL the time about what’s working and what isn’t; the kids are listened to and respected but no one is deified or held above anyone else, their needs are considered equally and fairly.
Biggest reason it’s worked for me (and this has only really fallen into place this year) is that I don’t feel guilty so I don’t overcompensate and then end up resenting my DSC. I love them differently than I love my own kids but that’s ok! Sometimes they do my swede in and that’s also ok, that’s just kids - sometimes my own kids do my head in and I don’t feel bad about that, but I was in this weird cycle where I’d feel guilty about it with DSC, so I’d put up with it but then it would stress me out and I’d be grumpy and snappy. Now I just disengage or tell them to bugger off and entertain themselves for a bit, exactly like I do with mine, and everyone is much better for it - me being more natural with them and not suppressing my own needs has made the dynamics between me and them much easier and more natural in turn.
Also not overthinking anything or trying to force it - I’ve naturally got closer to my step kids and vice versa as I’ve got to know them more and that takes time! And just like with my own kids, it’s an ever changing thing - sometimes we’re super tight, sometimes they back off a bit, it’s all ok.
So no, I don’t always like it, but I love them and would miss them if they weren’t in my life. Being a step mum is hard and has been a very steep learning curve, but I know I’m better for it and for having them, and I hope they’re glad to have me as an extra bonus adult in their lives. My DSD (8yo) went for a sleepover with her friend the other week and when she came back she brought me a friendship bracelet and a little bar of sparkly soap that she’d made so I think that’s a pretty good sign ❤️

My sister adores her now-adult stepchildren, and they her. She is divorced from their father (their mum had died at age 40 before my sister married into the family) and they are closer to my sister than to their dad. So she's been their mum longer than their poor biological mother was, sadly.

She is 60 now with cancer and they are constantly at hers doing things for her or just visiting. We live several hours away so it's heartwarming that she has nearby support. Their kids consider my sis their grandmother and she dotes on them.

I love being a step mum in itself. I hate having to deal with the actions (and the ramifications of them) of the step kids Mother who is quite frankly unhinged and who is making us all, (kids included) ill with stress.

No i hate it. Tried so much over last 5 years to build a connection, have arranged bday parties, days out, bought clothes, books, toys. Spent time and energy trying to engage, taking steps back when it wasn’t reciprocated etc. It’s been a completely thankless task, I get nothing back. All it does is cause arguments between me and DP and knock off our usual routine with the other DCs.
this year i didn’t get so much as a text message to say happy birthday from dss. I realise this is a DP problem too.
im at a stage where I am close to not caring at all anymore. I would warn anyone against getting into a step parent situation.

I think for the majority of people it isn’t good.
Off the top of my head I can think of many, many adults who didn’t have a good word to say about their step parent.
Most of them merely tolerated them and it was down to their bio parent being quite frankly a bad parent and not putting their dc first.
I suppose the step parent might think they did a great job, but the adults I know speak the truth, and that truth isn’t flattering. A lot of them are damaged now. Most of them talk about how they could never see their bio parent without the step parent being there and making it all about them.
So, in a nutshell, most children hate it, regardless of what the parents believe to be true. A lot of the now adult step children pretend to like the situation but that is only a smokescreen, so that they can have a relationship with their bio parent.

I quite like it. I've had them around since they were very young. I don't have my own, so perhaps that makes a difference? Also, their mum is very nice. Expensive little buggers when they were small. Grown-ups now, and all in all it's good.

I like it....when they're not there.

The reality of my blend is DP is a Disney Dad and his eldest is a mini wife (totally agree with @Rockofblue but last time I mentioned Mini wives being a thing on MN I got my head bitten off bizarrely). Added into the mix is his exw is a control freak so it's all one big mess. If I knew then what I do now I would have run a mile. I fully expect that when my SKs are older that I won't be thought of fondly, despite having tried hard in the early days. I follow Nacho method now and I'm a lot happier, as I think they are too.

I do like to hear happy stepparent stories though.

I know a happy step parent story but key ingredients as it were-
In all cases kids boys

I've never hated anything more & I so wanted to love them .

Absolutely not.

God no.

What you gonna do?

I had a really good conversation with my Dad about my SM recently.

No.

It never works.

Honestly I've been a stepmother & I've had a stepmother.

And I realised it was a very shit idea .

So I found a man to progenitate with that had no children. We're never going to get divorced.

Ever.

My brother enjoys being a step dad and I think he's a good one. I think the things that helped are that he doesn't have any bio kids of his own, and DSD's dad is out of the picture now (although was involved a bit when she was younger). So that makes it less complicated than many step parent situations.

I dunno.

Sure.