Does anyone else actually like being a step parent.

[Outandabout43]

All I see is people hating being a step parent, is it because people only want to vent their stress and for those where it is going well dont post as no need to ask for advise, or do most people struggle?

Because if you also had to consider the needs of your own children who were entirely dependent on you on top of dealing with all of the shit you were dealing with, there's no way that couldn't have made things worse. I don't know your life. I DO know that children make a complicated and stressful situation more complicated and stressful. Especially a blended family, where from the start the issue is too many players on the board and not all of them playing fair.

I'm not competing against anyone, I was a childless stepmum and I had a horrible time in the beginning. If I'd also had my own child who had needed me, and a custody schedule to work out with an ex of my own, and all the difficulties that come when you put 2 children from different families in the same home, that would have been worse.

Maybe yours was much worse, I have no idea. I'm not saying it wasn't awful, more awful than mine quite possibly.

Out of interest, do you have your own children now?

I didn't say it wasn't that difficult, you are saying it was hell on earth and that sounds very difficult. I'm saying that having children of your own would have made it even worse.

Imagine dealing with all of that but also having one or more people who are also having to deal with the situation, but it's your responsibility to protect them from it and prevent it from ruining their lives along with yours.

You say your stepchildren were terrible enough to put you off children for life, how do you think they'd have treated your children if you'd had them? It would have been your responsibility to manage that and manage it in a calm and considered way which set a good example to your children, or bear the guilt of not doing.

I've been a step mum for 26 years, so I've seen DHs three children grow up, get married and have children themselves. They are good kids and always have been.

Unfortunately their mother is a powerful matriarch and, without wishing to throw the word around needlessly, a narcissist. They are all inextricably bound to her by duty and loyalty, whether they like it or not, and as children they rarely even exchanged "hello" or "goodbye" with me as presumably I was the enemy. One said to me "You're not my family" when he was 6, which was true enough. I was very, very careful not to overstep and ignite their mum's fury, which meant stepping right back and ensuring that the focus was on their relationship with their father (which she has also tried to sabotage over the years, just because she can). I was nice to them, enjoyed days out with them, read to them, played with them, all the usual but I'm not their mother and they didn't need another one.

As adults now they are always civil and friendly towards me, might permit a perfunctory hug, I do occasionally get a happy birthday and even a mother's day text from them. Their children call me Granny although I don't see them often. I'm included on the various family chats and generally my messages are acknowledged, as a courtesy.

But ultimately the relationship is cool and dutiful, not warm. I strongly suspect that they wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire, and if DH dies first I'll never see any of them again.

I love my step-kids! My ex-husband and I had been seeing each other for a while and I'd got to know his kids when I decided to end the relationship. The thing that upset me the most about ending it with him was not getting to see them anymore.

Eventually we got back together, and his ex immediately sent his son to live with him, so I backed off moving in while they worked a few things out. My stepson lived with us for a few years and was a constant presence when my daughter was small. My stepdaughter was with us weekends until she got fed up sharing a room with her noisy brother as we didn't have room for separate rooms for all the kids. Luckily, their mum lived just around the corner. I say lucky, we moved there to be close to her!

When I split up with my ex, one of the first things I did was to write to my step kids to assure them that they were still very much part of my life. My stepdaughter visited this summer for the wedding of my cousin's stepdaughter as they're close friends.

In short, I love my step-kids!!

I think for most people the term ‘step parenting’ is not an accurate description of the role. If the parents who have care of the child(ren) operate under different systems/values, it is an utterly thankless task to host children for a day or a weekend or for days on end. You become collateral damage, and without a voice.
If the parents demonstrate a high degree of co-operation, things maybe different, especially if you then go on to have children with the children’s father, there is at least some bond between the SPs family and the other family….but if you are childless and a SP, the thorny question of who inherits is never far away. It is another thing which poisons the well, even where things are cordial between the parents. My advice would be to avoid the role, and if you are determined to go ahead have a pre nuptial agreement, it’s best to avoid nasty surprises.
Children even adult children can find it very hard to move on, and generally they want their parents to reconcile, and even where the SP has done all in his/her power to be supportive, loving and diplomatic, kids often perceive that things would be radically different if SP wasn’t on the scene.
Finally if one is determined to ‘give it a go’, be realistic. Disney Fathers are hopeless in these situations, and they are easily manipulated, and after a while their emotional cowardice is deeply unattractive . Remember that your ability to love maybe severely tested by the constant exclusions and the feeling of being unappreciated. You may end up after 20 or 30 years of marriage still being thought of as ‘the woman Dad married’ and not in a kind way.
For every happy SP I know, there are 10 who are quietly miserable and unhappy.

Agree. Ex partner Disney dad and adult daughter so manipulative she keeps him estranged from her siblings. He refuses to see it. She gaslights him, arranges to see him goes on holiday with her mother at short notice. Repeats this but he only challenged her once and she cut him off for months. I can tell when she has been in touch. He had a slightly affected tone and smug glee. It is deeply unattractive and was a key factor in why I ended it. Ypu lose respect watching them be charmed, discarded and manipulated.

From the glimpse I got of what step parenting could be like, it wasn’t for me (Their dad was DP, not married, and hadn’t moved in together yet, but spent a lot of time with his DC at both houses / in school holidays / abroad etc)

I think I was pretty naive about the whole thing. I assumed because I am a loving, fun, tactile mother (in my opinion) to my own DS, whom I love madly, that this would transfer seamlessly to DSC. Not the case.

Step parenting reminds me of being around friends’ nutty kids on hectic play dates. You might have moments of fun, you care that the children are safe and fed and well looked after whilst in your home, but you’re always ready for them to leave. But the DSC never leave, not really. And your home doesn’t feel like your home. I felt like I had a constant knot in my stomach. Like I was watching what I said and swallowing my emotions. My holiday schedule was ultimately dictated by another woman (DP’s ex). I had less one on one time with my son and a constant feeling of guilt about the idea of moving him in with this man and his children - even after four years of being together.

I pride myself on never having shown my exhaustion or stress to the DSC. They were great kids to be fair - just as my friend’s kids are, but would I wanna live with my friend’s kids? Hell no.

Thankfully their father revealed himself eventually as an emotionally abusive prick so I could walk away unscathed and untethered. Back to being single now but I’m assuming that’s it for me considering I’ve very slim chance of meeting someone late 30s / early 40s who doesn’t have kids. But I guess I won’t sit at home romanticising the idea of a new, shiny, blended family!

I really really wanted to be. They are all adults & I thought they would be so grateful that their wk deffo dad found someone to love.
But no.
Now I wish they would all disappear in a puff of smoke

I like it. Low hassle larger family but part-time. Gorgeous step kids. Just is what it is

posted too soon….
it became easiest when I stopped trying to parent. DH wanted me to be second mum and I refused (though not outwardly). Have aimed for loving kindly aunt. I had to have words with him at various points about him needing to be the one who disciplines

I agree it comes down to the partner. My experience was their mum spoiling them and having no boundaries so they would rather be with her. The poor kids have no concept of not getting their own way. They couldn’t function in a house with other kids. He has a separate place to see them now, I won’t have the kids near mine.

I've seen it from both sides.

I think 'one' has to be an exceptionally good person for it to work.

Most people aren't exceptionally good people.

Thankfully my experience was a short first marriage and we has no joint children.

I subsequently married a man with no children & we've been together for 20 years and have children.

My stepmother doesn't speak to me.

I have great relationship with my dad

And my half brother.

@Gloriana1 find it really interesting you have a great relationship with your dad when his wife doesn’t speak to you.

It must be difficult to be the kids involved. For me it came down to protecting my children from a life of torment. My partner can have a relationship that isn’t strained with his ex creating stress via his children, and his children can have a relationship with their dad without another family intruding on their time. I will slowly re introduce myself into their lives, but I will keep my kids separate.