Does anyone else actually like being a step parent.

[Outandabout43]

All I see is people hating being a step parent, is it because people only want to vent their stress and for those where it is going well dont post as no need to ask for advise, or do most people struggle?

OK @Gloriana1. I mean I'm just giving my perspective but obviously you don't have to believe me.

Can I ask, does it make a difference if the SC are male or female?

I get all situations are different.

Err, I'm married to a man who had a BAD MAN as a stepfather.

He was not cool.

I love my step daughters and we have good relationships. They are late 20s and I’ve been in their lives for 20 years. I don’t see their mum very often as she doesn’t live near, but I’ve always got along well with her. It probably helps a lot that DH and his ExW are both decent people and neither had any bitterness about the end of their marriage. And I think she has always appreciated that I’ve made an effort with her kids and cared about them.

It's been ok mostly. Nice kids. I've treated all the kids equally which has been financially pretty expensive for me. DH has been a pretty good parent to mine. He totally tries to infantilise his kids which makes me cringe. They are 19 & 16.

The big issue was their DM who is just a hideous human being in so many ways.

I know plenty of situations where it does work, including my own. Just because it hasn't in your experience doesn't mean it never works.

I have been a step parent twice, first time with my DD’s dad and SD was 6 years older and she was brilliant, we did a lot all together and her and my DD are quite close even now am quite sad that I don’t have a relationship with her now, she is 20 now and me and her dad separated when she was 15/16.

My current DP has a 5 yr old and it’s hell tbh. I am so passed the young kid stage (my DD is 15 now) and his ex is a nightmare, very interfering as are his family!! So it’s more I do with that than SDD, she is sweet and quite funny I am just so drained by the circumstances around her. DP is brilliant at fielding the chaos and I try and spend 1:1 time with my DD when she is is here

I'm mostly a happy step-mum. There have been some very, very tough times though.

People say, "You knew what you were getting into!" but the vast majority of step-parents, especially childless step-parents, have no idea. The contradictory expectations (treat them like your own/ don't overstep), the difficulty in bonding with a child who isn't yours and maybe isn't that keen on you anyway, sometimes a hate campaign launched at you by the ex. Special occasions and holidays becoming sources of stress as your partner and his ex fight over times and dates.

And then if your partner is less than great, you might be dealing with blatant disrespect of you and your home going unchallenged, being used as an unpaid nanny for children you have no parental responsibility for, or having to tolerate wildly different expectations for behaviour and standards than you would have for your own.

It's not an easy choice to make and I can understand why some women are really miserable with it. Luckily, my DH presents a completely united front with me at all times, my relationship with SD is mostly good and we have very little contact with the ex.

I hated every moment. His children were cold and distant to me and ignored me despite my best efforts for years. They are now apparently questioning their behaviour to me but it's too little too late. They are now adults with partners of their own and on dh's insistence, we are planning a family holiday with our combined 'children' and their partners. I live my dh so I'm gritting my teeth. It's a week.

I do enjoy it but DP makes me cringe some of his bad habits and decisions, so I rarely feel annoyed by the children just him.

I absolutely love it and love my step children as my own. We have a really close bond and they are really close to my children

I love being a step mum and love the kids and grandkids. I never had my own children
My partner was widowed so no Mum (unhinged or otherwise) which I think makes the situation generally easier for any step parents.

I have friends that really do. I think it can be easier if you don’t have your own kids.

@FunnyAzureSheep I wasn’t assuming that it is easy easy all people without children. But the people I know well who it has worked for don’t have children. For them the set up works perfectly. But I don’t assume it will for everyone.

I was a childless Stepmum and from what I've seen in other families, it is easier. You don't have to "blend" the children or worry about fairness or having different rules. We could focus completely on SD when she was with us and decompress completely when she wasn't. We have an "ours" baby now and it definitely got a bit more complicated but nowhere near as complicated as both people bringing children with them into the relationship.

I'm not doubting that, but how would bringing your own children into the situation have made it easier?

I don't have children and I think it makes it much easier for me.

I think that if it was hell on earth without adding more small, demanding people into the mix, it would have been unbearable if you had.

I do. No dc of my own by choice but dsd has been an unimagined joy in my life. EW is….difficult but she doesn’t have much of a relationship with her (which I find really sad)
Aware I have been fortunate though. Dsd is and always has been very welcoming to me. She is an adult now and I love her to bits. I would do anything for her.