AIBU to be LIVID at my DSS mother

[Gooodmorningusa]

A long post. im livid and upset and I can’t sleep. I think I know how this is going to go but oh my god I need to vent.

my DSS mum, I feel is taking the absolute piss and I think she’s an audacious cow.

the back story is, we have DSS (8) EOW, I have been in his life since he was 2.5 and me and DH share a 2 year old boy. I work in a school office so I am fortunate enough to have most of the school holidays off (literally 12 weeks out of the 13!) so in the school holidays I step up and have DSS extra. So on the weekend he comes EOW, he comes on Friday morning, and we keep him till Tuesday evening and he goes home before bed time. I have always done this since he started in reception class and I do this for two reasons, so he has more time with us and also to help out his mum who is single and has to cut her hours during the school hols. In term time it returns to the normal EOW.

last week my 2yo DS was poorly with chicken pox and it floored him, early hours of Saturday morning he had a fever, had a funny turn, his eyes rolled into the back of his head and we couldn’t bring him round. It was horrible and he was rushed in an ambulance with me and DH stayed at home till MIL arrived to sit in the house with DSS as he was sleeping upstairs. DH came to hospital soon as he could. I was hysterical and have never seen my son so poorly and it frightened me, i thought he was gone when his eyes rolled into the back of his head. Anyways he was kept in hospital till Sunday night, we got home at 8pm. DH stayed with us most of the time while we waited for tests and DSS stayed with MIL (his grandma) then went back to his mums on Sunday evening. Just to add his cousins were there at grandmas too so not like he was the only child there.

anyways DH ex has booted off basically. Ringing up calling DH a selfish dad for staying at hospital all weekend and shipping DSS off to grandmas 🤯 so anyways DSS has come back this weekend as he was upset his missed his weekend last week. So I get a text earlier today off his mother ‘it makes sense for you to keep him till Tuesday as you needed to give it a miss this week’ ….. 😵‍💫so I reply saying no actually that wasnt the agreement, i have plans including an appointment of my own, wedding dress shopping with my SIL on Monday and I am going into work on Tuesday to do my admin. My mum will be looking after DS for these.
she then proceeds to call me selfish and tells me how I’m ‘palming my own son off’ and that ‘she knows I secretly hate her DS’ plus loads of other shit which I don’t think I deserve. In her opinion I should be making up for
the time I missed earlier this week. I reminded her my DS was very poorly and I also reminded her DH was in work on those two days so it’s always me who facilitates the extra contact.
my DH is fuming and has confronted her and she has repeated the same shit to him.
shes basically annoyed that she had To cancel her plans / work on Monday and Tuesday. But my DS was poorly and I didn’t sleep a wink all weekend with checking on him and being on a hospital ward. I admit that on Monday and Tuesday this week I didn’t think about DSS at all, I was shattered and I just let me DS sleep in my arms all day.

Would I be wrong if I told her to suck my big toe from now on?

The child has two parents...

As well as a very accommodating SM

Absolutely not true.

The court will base their decision on the facts of the case as they are presented. I've seen countless applications for 50/50 opposed by the mother and still be granted.

Statistics evidence that father's are actually more likely to be successful in court applications than women. Cafcass also tend to support joint residency.

What were the circs of you and your dh getting together? If you were the OW, then you deserve everything that comes your way (from her, obviously, not from life). If you met and married him after your dh and his ex wife divorced (i.e. you did not know each other whilst they were married) then tell her to - what did you say - suck your big toe or whatever.

@adviceneeded1990 interesting. We have 40/60 but dh fought for 50/50. I’ve never really understood why it wasn’t granted in court.

A dad looking after his own child (not that HE does) is doing mum a favour now? Good lord

Op I hope your son is feeling much better, you and your DH must have gotten such a fright, it’s horrible when you have to take your little one to hospital in an emergency.

Its great you chose to look after your DSS when it was your DH’s days to take him and I would not blame you at all for not continuing this in the future with the way your DH’s ex has treated you. She has been disgusting with the things she has said about your child.

However, your DH should have stepped up to the mark when your child was ill as there was still another child, he had a responsibility to. He can’t just palm his son back to his mother because he DOESN’T WANT to look after him so he can go back to his work!!!! I mean who the fuck does he think he is, the big mighty I AM!!!!!!
His job is no more important than his ex’s infact I would probably say his ex’s job is more important considering she is the sole earner.

How she earns her money is nothing to do with you and how do you even know she is earning cash in hand? It’s not something many people would boast about.

DSS’s mum obviously knows it’s you who does the childcare because her ex wont bother to look after him so I’m struggling to understand why she is being this nasty to you personally when she knows she is going to have to rely on you in the future for childcare. She is cutting her nose off to spite her face.

Take a step back, and tell DH to deal with his ex and tell DH to step up to the mark and parent his own DS and your not doing it anymore.

It doesn’t matter. Do you co-parent with an ex? Do you have experience of this. Because I do. We have set days on a pattern. But then we also add extra; once those are decided, the other can make their work/life schedule around it. They become the responsibility of the parent who said “we will have him those days.”

The arrangement of the new wife looking after the kid has no bearing on it. They volunteered for certain days, the other parent arranges their life around that. If something happens, it’s up to the parent in charge of those days to fine childcare or take a day off work. You don’t just hand them back unless there is no other choice. Not if you want to continue a fair and civil ad hoc arrangement.

Sweet Jesus.
Yes, I realise your reply was to me. In YOUR REPLY TO ME you said: ‘They are half an hour drive away, some mid week contact would be perfectly doable and OP has not said anything about that.’ [italics are mine.]
me: [OP has not said anything about mid week contact] BECAUSE IT’S NOT THE POINT OF HER POST.
THE END.

Was going to say the same. Our eldest child has often needed to go to and stay in the hospital, and I’ve mostly stayed with them and DH with the youngest, with some swapping over.

In this situation, I’d want one of us with the 8 year old rather than a relative as it will be a scary and lonely experience for them having a younger sibling rushed to hospital.

The OP’s DH doesn’t seem to be prioritising his eldest child. The OP admitted they both thought of only the youngest when it came to Monday, and while that’s understandable for the OP, it’s not for the DH.

And the ex's mum being in an accident, needing to juggle working hours with being a single parent, nights out etc aren't the OP's problem yet she helped out in the past.

You lose all moral right to complain that someone can't help you when, in the past when the shoe was on the other foot, they were always willing to help you out yourself.

I would reply saying "you have crossed a line. I did you favours when your mum had her accident and when you've wanted to go on nights out. No more. Do not expect me to do any childcare of your son for you again. You can discuss parenting arrangements and his availability with DH from now on." And block her once it has been recieved.

Some posters seem to think that the mum taking Monday/Tuesday shifts in the holidays means that she is quids in.

Presumably as DSS is at school, she can take shifts 5 days a week in term time. So she is taking a financial hit in the holidays, either because she can’t do shifts 8 of the 10 working days each fortnight, or because she has to pay for childcare if she does.

And none of us have any idea if the extra nights during the summer are in the average CMS calculation or not.

But anyway - assuming a 6 week summer holiday, that is every other Sunday and Monday night. 6 extra nights. Wow. And maybe similar at Easter and Xmas. So maybe 8 extra nights. For the whole year.

So the dad covers 60 nights a year instead of 52? 2.3 nights a fortnight instead of 2? Oh my. What a prince. How deeply generous of him.

‘We didn’t think about anything other than our 2yo’

Well maybe fair enough if you didn’t but appalling that his father didn’t.

Sorry your little one was so unwell but DH has more than one child and I can see why the mum is annoyed and she is entitled to be. If however she had directed her annoyance at the correct person, ‘D’H then she would not have taken anything out on you so she has shot herself in the foot with her nastiness.

The ex-wife comments are vile, but your DH is a crappy father, something you are choosing to ignore. Why won't he have his son during the week unless you can provide childcare, and will only have him weekends?

Why does he only pay £400 CMS? That's less than half what he should be paying if he earns an average salary of £30k.

Did you put in he also has a second child as that reduces the amount

We have two kids and my ex has them EOW and half holidays as much as possible and he pays me £268 a month depending on how many shifts he worked. For two kids. The husband is only paying for one kid at £400 play paying for a share if childcare and uniforms, clubs, extra curricular. Maybe it works out about enough?

This is wildly out of proportion.
30k per year, less than 52 nights per year, 1 other child to provide for is £61.44 per week.
£817 would be getting on for half his wage after tax!

'Favour days'
I've heard it all now, I mean, since when did it become a favour to actually look after a child of the person you're living with?

Okay I must have entered the wrong salary or something else wrong. Sorry

But my other points still stand. I find it very sad to think of a child only seeing his dad 4 days a month for most of the year! The mum must do nearly everything.

The day it didn’t come out of you! It’s the same as having your friends kids. You’re not obligated it is a favour. If I didn’t produce the child it is not my problem to solve first and foremost. OP has willingly given her time consistently to help out and been treated like shit. Favour days would be ending with immediate effect if it was me. The kid is there to see dad not step mum.

dad cannot call it favour days for dad it’s being a dad but for step mum anything she does for a child that isn’t hers is choice not expected!

I completely forgot that the DH in the situation has a big-important man job that allows him to pay for half of the holiday clubs for his DS1 during the summer.

Meanwhile, his ex only has to concern herself with the bulk of the childcare for his DS1 and her not-important part-time woman job that pays for the other half of his DS1's holiday clubs.

(Seriously @Dressinggowntime, you need to raise your standards.)

This is what happens when you bend over backwards for women like this. You said you've accommodated her last minute plans, you've missed work etc. Posters on here saying she shouldn't have had to miss work but skipping past the fact you've had to do that for her.

She's become used to you being her back up at all costs, even when you child was in hospital. So much so that she's enraged that your DH spent time with his child in hospital. You can be damn sure if it was her child in hospital, she'd expect him to be there. I would seriously pull back from all that you're doing. She can rely on some of her other family when DSS isn't with his Dad.

Your acting like your DH is doing is ex a HUGE favour by having his DS a couple of extra days EOW only in school holidays. He is not. Firstly, you are looking after DSS not your DH. Secondly, your DSS really should be seeing his dad more if they want to have a good relationship. Your DH is really doing the bare minimum here. It must be very hard for his ex to work, to put a roof over DSS head with the other parent only doing EOW. You explain why term time is difficult but why doesn't your DH have DSS more in the school holidays? Just because EOW is written on paper doesn't mean your DH cant offer to see his child more. Lastly, if one child is ill your DH still needs to care for his other child and take leave from work if required. Imagine if you have more kids together and one is ill.

Equally the ex is being rude and directing her anger at the wrong person here. It's your DH who needs to step up more as a father

The day it didn’t come out of you! It’s the same as having your friends kids. You’re not obligated it is a favour.

And free of charge, and they don’t get to speak to you like shit.

He wasn’t in hospital. He went to work.

The days she has to take off work because he refused to keep the boy were days he went to work, not hospital. He went to work and forced her to take emergency days off her work. No matter how you spin this, he was wrong.

Yes and would put her in a very difficult situation with her work. He can get parental leave for emergencies with his child. She can't take emergency parental leave for a child who isn't hers! She just looks disorganised and unreliable but it isn't her fault