So after my last post I have come away and done some thinking and had seen my counsellor again.
Ultimately I know and have known it's not fully the step daughters fault.
Her mother has always been a nightmare, and tbh in lockdown we had calls from the daughter her mum was passed out etc. her dad is no saint when it comes to alcohol but is what it is and her mum was ultimately the one who made the decision to leave her at his house when he was drunk because I was there. Her mum always said she liked me compared to his other ex and didn't want me to end up like herself. She claims she is suffering from ptsd from being with him. Which at times I can see so have always taken things from her as quite truthful.
Anyways I know her house is always a mess; my son stayed there last year when me and him where on a break and he said it smelt and wasn't nice.
Yes I can be mad that she is using the situation with her dad to get everything she wants, but ultimately that is upto him and what he sees fit. Yesterday me and him went out and he was complaining that he had no money to spend on himself. I just kept quiet,
I invited them all for a bbq last night; the kids played in the pool and things, I was miffed as he was like 'well I need to ask them if they want to'. I am under the impression as they are kids they should be told, as that's what I do with my kids. I don't let them dictate if we do or don't do something or go somewhere but each to their own. My partner then has suggested we go to some field today for a picnic like we use to l, and because it's free and he can't afford to go out. So yeah fine; but then said to the eldest if she gets out of bed and comes then me and her can go and get our nails done. Hes kinda planned this without asking me, I will tell him he has to pay for mine as I cannot afford to do it today as wasn't planned. But I am thinking I will go and do it, I will be nice. I have invited her on days out in the summer holidays too with me and the kids because ultimately isn't her fault.
I do think I'll get a backlash from her mother but ultimately that isn't my fault because she allowed her daughter to move out.
This week she has gone into work with her mum for 3 days, they have been to Costa, and apparently she is staying there tomorrow because her mum wants her to try and stay for longer. So I am a little confused as she does say she doesn't know what she wants still but seems to be there a lot but will go with it.
My partner has told the daughter that he is meant to be coming on holiday with us and that he will decide fully soon and that if he does she will have to stay with her mum. (He's worded it like this as he said it's to do it nicely but has told my kids he won't let the down and he will be going.)
Ultimately it's upto him really how to make this all work; I have done my bit having them over, inviting her for summer, bought a bigger dining room table etc and will sort some sleeping arrangement. I made a point yesterday of asking us kids for photos to put up in my house is then etc all things he said he does at his and feels I need to do more at mine to be Inclusive and hopefully so we can all stay at each others houses. If this doesn't change things then it's on him.
Any advice on what I can say to her mum if she kicks off she is spending more time with me, also I wish to message her and ask her to refrain stirring the pot as she keeps telling my partner stuff we had spoke about in the past or things from work. She has completely stabbed me in the back when I haven't with things about her. Me and her were actually friends in the end. Then it all went tits up because back in March me and my partner split and I had said to her we were just good friends and things for the kids (which we was for a while) and never explained we were getting back together. As I didn't feel it was her business. Well he told her when she got argumentative as I had a go at the stepdaughter for lying as I caught her dangerously cooking with oil whilst her dad was at work. She's 12 and I was concerned and she was lying. I apologised to the stepdaughter but yeah