Stepdaughter and being nice

[stepparentinghell]

So after my last post I have come away and done some thinking and had seen my counsellor again.
Ultimately I know and have known it's not fully the step daughters fault.
Her mother has always been a nightmare, and tbh in lockdown we had calls from the daughter her mum was passed out etc. her dad is no saint when it comes to alcohol but is what it is and her mum was ultimately the one who made the decision to leave her at his house when he was drunk because I was there. Her mum always said she liked me compared to his other ex and didn't want me to end up like herself. She claims she is suffering from ptsd from being with him. Which at times I can see so have always taken things from her as quite truthful.
Anyways I know her house is always a mess; my son stayed there last year when me and him where on a break and he said it smelt and wasn't nice.
Yes I can be mad that she is using the situation with her dad to get everything she wants, but ultimately that is upto him and what he sees fit. Yesterday me and him went out and he was complaining that he had no money to spend on himself. I just kept quiet,
I invited them all for a bbq last night; the kids played in the pool and things, I was miffed as he was like 'well I need to ask them if they want to'. I am under the impression as they are kids they should be told, as that's what I do with my kids. I don't let them dictate if we do or don't do something or go somewhere but each to their own. My partner then has suggested we go to some field today for a picnic like we use to l, and because it's free and he can't afford to go out. So yeah fine; but then said to the eldest if she gets out of bed and comes then me and her can go and get our nails done. Hes kinda planned this without asking me, I will tell him he has to pay for mine as I cannot afford to do it today as wasn't planned. But I am thinking I will go and do it, I will be nice. I have invited her on days out in the summer holidays too with me and the kids because ultimately isn't her fault.
I do think I'll get a backlash from her mother but ultimately that isn't my fault because she allowed her daughter to move out.
This week she has gone into work with her mum for 3 days, they have been to Costa, and apparently she is staying there tomorrow because her mum wants her to try and stay for longer. So I am a little confused as she does say she doesn't know what she wants still but seems to be there a lot but will go with it.

My partner has told the daughter that he is meant to be coming on holiday with us and that he will decide fully soon and that if he does she will have to stay with her mum. (He's worded it like this as he said it's to do it nicely but has told my kids he won't let the down and he will be going.)

Ultimately it's upto him really how to make this all work; I have done my bit having them over, inviting her for summer, bought a bigger dining room table etc and will sort some sleeping arrangement. I made a point yesterday of asking us kids for photos to put up in my house is then etc all things he said he does at his and feels I need to do more at mine to be Inclusive and hopefully so we can all stay at each others houses. If this doesn't change things then it's on him.

Any advice on what I can say to her mum if she kicks off she is spending more time with me, also I wish to message her and ask her to refrain stirring the pot as she keeps telling my partner stuff we had spoke about in the past or things from work. She has completely stabbed me in the back when I haven't with things about her. Me and her were actually friends in the end. Then it all went tits up because back in March me and my partner split and I had said to her we were just good friends and things for the kids (which we was for a while) and never explained we were getting back together. As I didn't feel it was her business. Well he told her when she got argumentative as I had a go at the stepdaughter for lying as I caught her dangerously cooking with oil whilst her dad was at work. She's 12 and I was concerned and she was lying. I apologised to the stepdaughter but yeah

Anyways I know her house is always a mess; my son stayed there last year when me and him where on a break and he said it smelt and wasn't nice.

Why did your son stay at your boyfriend's exes house? It makes no sense?

You want to make sure he can still go for YOUR kids? What about HIS kid???

In your OP you have said

My partner has told the daughter that he is meant to be coming on holiday with us and that he will decide fully soon and that if he does she will have to stay with her mum. (He's worded it like this as he said it's to do it nicely but has told my kids he won't let the down and he will be going.)

Do you know how awful and upsetting that will be to a 12 year old girl??? Can you imagine ever having to tell your children that you are going away without them but with someone elses children?!

There are ways you could afford to take her if you really wanted to. You managed to pay for you and your boyfriend and your kids after all. You just don't want her there is the reality. Poor kid.

@InWalksBarberalla

We were good friends, and she offered as I was on a hen weekend. My son really gets on with his ex wife. And up until til all this with the daughter we all got on well

@Starlight1979
I'm not sure where I am expected to find this money. I am asking his mum u can't do no more. I haven't got anyrbjnf apart from my kids iPads and things I can sell which isn't fair on my kids to sell their stuff. Ultimately it's not my issue to have to fund it but u am trying xx

Are you still self harming OP? You need to be stable for your children, which is much more important than a holiday.

I think you're putting your head in the sand about how toxic this situation is. You keep glossing over things and you're not be real about the situation.

You are avoiding the difficult questions and focusing on the holiday, almost obsessively.

What if he doesn't come, are you going to spiral? you need to be mindful that this isn't a healthy situation for your kids.

You're ignoring my main point. Can you imagine how upset a CHILD will be if their parent is going on holiday with their "new" family and telling them they can't come? She's 12 FFS.

And again, can you imagine saying the same to your children? "Sorry but Mummy is going on holiday with her boyfriend and his kids but can't afford to take you so you'll have to stay at home"?

@Starlight1979
I understand that, but that was his choice to make not mine.
My kids dads don't mind me taking them away so they always come with me. The difference his his ex won't allow the girls passports and to come

@MacDonaldandHobNobs
No I am not self harming. If he doesn't come he doesn't come and I know that's probably more than likely, and I do feel if this happens we are over. Because I won't have my kids let
Down

Calling her “the” stepdaughter isn’t nice. Shows you don’t like her at all. Why shouldn't she live with her dad?! You should not be trying to get her to leave. Wtf. This is all really hard to understand as your writing style is very confused. I think you just need to step away from the drama. You seem to relish the drama and arguments, maybe explore this with your counsellor and leave this family alone. Focus on you and your kid.

I usually try to be nice, but it's hot, I can't be bothered and you appear to be missing the point spectacularly so I'm going to be blunt.

All the adults in this arrangement need to grow the fuck up and start prioritising the kids,

You have your children
He has his

Apparently you and he are incapable of blending that combination into a cohesive family and treating all the children as equals so you should split up.

Why does a 12 year old have fake salon nails?? Wtf

@Peaceandquietandacuppa
It not that I don't like her as I do, just struggling with this situation. But I am doing my best, minday took her to her get nail fixed, yesterday for lunch and underwear shopping, today she maybe coming to carnival with me and my kids. It's the situation and implications I don't like right now. I don't understand why her mum isn't trying more.
Last night she was messaging asking me if I heard from her dad as he's usually back by 10 and she was hungry so wanted feeding: this shows she shouldn't be alone all day at 12

@Peaceandquietandacuppa
Salon nails I don't agree with, her dad has said she can, he pays for them, same as her eyelashes , makeup and all the clothes she has wanted lately. It's his choice I can't stop him, but this is why she likes policing with him

If neither her mum or dad can look after her basic needs then maybe she needs help from social services. It’s not your responsibility- it’s her mum’s and her dad’s. Sounds like they are both fuck ups, poor kid. You really need to reevaluate how involved you are and if it’s good for you.

@Peaceandquietandacuppa
I have already raised concerns with the school for the youngest daughter because she's constantly covered in flea bites from her mums, and is always poorly. They were going to look into it.

With the eldest I have advised both mum and dad this arrangement isn't ideal when she's home alone from
9.30 am- 10pm at night. Yes he might go home on his hour lunch break but that's not enough time, she is on her own all day. She's not feeding herself, I do invite her to mine but she doesn't always want to if she's talking to her friends. I honestly don't feel living with him is in her best interests. Yesterday she said to me they were making chips at 12am because she was hungry. Like she should be asleep; he lets her go to sleep whatever tom she wants; with her phone which her mum doesn't do. Regardless of my thoughts on the situation for me personally, looking as a outsider she needs to be with her mum or social need to be involved

A child has false eyelashes and salon nails?

You've spent nearly 17 grand outright on a car?

You've just ended an IVA?

Your boyfriend's ex has a smelly, dirty house, which you let your son stay at, so that you could go on a hen weekend?

Both the boyfriend and the ex are alcoholics?

AND YOU'RE WORRYING ABOUT GETTING A 12 YEAR OLD TO MOVE BACK TO HER MUM'S?

What the FUCK have I just read?

I have already raised concerns with the school for the youngest daughter because she's constantly covered in flea bites from her mums

But you let your son stay there when it was convenient for you.

Yes I have spent that outright; I have saved and saved for the last 2 years. Because my car need replacing, I do a lot of miles so wanted something with less miles, I need a larger car with 7 seats due to the step children, plus needed automatic. So instead of monthly finance I saved,

My IVA was not my fault, the IVA is completed and I am now re building my life. For 5 years I has the Iva due to my ex.

At the time I also believed her house wasn't smelly; I knew she had a friend who her mum was paying to clean it and we weren't aware of these issues at the time.

With regards to the child having eyelashes and nails, she's not my daughter so I can't say no,as then I look like I am being horrid about his daughter.

And yes the mum has now sorted her drinking, and the dad does drink a lot less.

@TheShellBeach
Yes he stayed there when there wasn't these issues it's been the last 4 months this has happened. He stayed last August.

Just end this relationship, inform social services and step right out of it all.

You won't "lose" money if he doesn't go on the holiday, it will cost you the same whether he goes or not. Probably save you money on extras, day trips etc.

Spend the quality time with your own kids. They don't need an alcoholic chaotic man (plus all the add ons) in their lives. And neither do you.

Honestly and I wasn't going to say this but I think the OP is attention seeking now.

She clearly has no intention of doing the right thing by her own kids. She keeps posting updates that wildly miss the point every time. She starts new threads when the old one doesn't go her way. She asks for advice when she clearly doesn't want to change what she's doing.

I think this is attention seeking behaviour and she's locked in a similar battle with the SD and ex for attention of the boyfriend. Its toxic and very unhealthy for her own children but they don't seem to count for much in the decision making process.

You had an IVA due to your ex? Why?

Why are you now shelling out for holidays, 7 seater cars, and child maintenance to accommodate this man, one who doesn't even live with you, never mind is married to you?

@excelledyourself
My ex stayed at home with kids, I worked 60-70 hour weeks. He took out debts in my name to sell the items and gamble the money, we found the letters under the bath when he left. But proving it was his was difficult. Hence I saved for my car. My holidays my family give me money for Christmas and birthday I put towards and the rest I pay by direct debit.

I help with maintwanve as feel he is in a y fair situation, however I am control so if I can't do it then I won't

I'd put money on you being the poster who had her stepdaughter's sleeping on the landing a few years ago.

It's the insane focus on trivia, and random allocations of money that give it away.

You're missing my point. You don't need a 7 seater car. You only have two kids. You don't need to pay for his holidays. He's a grown man.

You are wasting your/ your kids money on a man who could walk away from you tomorrow, even though you have already been here!