Desperate/Upset failed step parent

[phoebe30]

I have been trying to form a relationship with a little girl who is now 7 for 3 1/2 years. I am her dad's partner, or at least was. We have been together for 4 years and we are now separating because I cannot find a way to bond with his daughter. Its not nasty its just very uncomfortable when we are together which happens to be quite alot (6 days out of 14). My partner has now decided that we should try and live seperately to resolve the situation because he feels we have tried everything else, but I just feel its a means to and end literally and end. I'm am so upset, feel like a complete failure but still love him dearly. How can I overcome these feelings of hatered and resentment towards his daughter. The fact is we are so happy when its just us but its so uncomfortable when his daughter is around its breaking us apart. I have suggested that I see less of her and stay out the way some days that he has her and reduce the contact that I have with his daughter but he is not open to this suggestion, am I asking too much? I love him but can't help feeling he is a little obsessed with his daughter to the detrement of our relationship which is now pretty much over. All comments and suggestions welcome please

georgiemama I think there is a big difference when I child dislikes a particular potential step parent because of personality clash/they are not good parent material etc to a child disliking any & every potential step parent and is then allowed to dictate by their actions whether or not you go on a family outing.

Putting your partner before your children does not mean the same as ignoring your childs wishes, feelings etc but a solid marriage with parents & step parents who love each other (and I don't mean the infatuation stuff I mean committed to the hard work of raising a mixed family) is good for children.

You can't generalise about these things and probably more parents get it wrong than right.

Could the op have been a bit too passive with her dsd. I think that sometimes step-parents try not to get too involved with their dsc which can be nterpreted as lack of interest.

I would try a last ditch attemt with the girl, even something as radical as going away with her for a few days. Think about what you have in common. Don't be afraid to use tactics like getting your hair done together, taking her to see a film you know she'd love to see, going horseriding. This isn't buying her love, it's a way of breaking the ice.

Hi Pheobe30

I just wanted to say that I think some people on here have been extremely harsh. I know the child is obviously very important but you are entitled to be happy aswell.

I have a now 9 yr old stepdaughter and was in a very simular situation to you. I posted on this site a few times and found some great support from people which is just what I needed at that time - not negative unhelpful comment that I'm guessing resulted in you feeling worse than you did in the first place.

When I met my now, hubby he had be seperated for 2 yrs. When I met my sd she was 4. I found it very easy to bond with her and our relationship was great for years. We married in 2004. The ex wife had already remarried and had another child in 2005. SD dealt with this well. Our relationship since her brother was about 12months or so has deteriorated. It quite challenging now infact, so I don't see how people can just have a bog standard answer that - 'you are the adult' ' they are the child' deal with it!! It might just be possible that the child is bright enough to know that they can manipulate a certain situation. My Sd has decided that she doesn't want to come down to see us at the moment, but won't say why. We have tried everything, for the last year every other visit she has bought a friend with her which we have taken out and had fun with until we say 'no' to something and then thats it. What do we do, my hubby gets upset and more often then not we give in because we want her to be happy. I think in our case she also wants dads attention 100% and has taken to completely dismissing me, whether its me talking to her or asking her to do something, my hubby does back me up and asks her to listen which she does eventually but it definitely not like it used to be. Everyone keeps telling me its her age and that all kids go through it, which might well be true but when you a step parent you're in a no win situation. The ex wife has even told her that shes not alowed to hug or kiss me which is upsetting.

Anyway my point is , is that these things aren't always black and white and you just have to do what you think is right. You are certainly not on your own , there are loads of us out here struggliing with the many feelings and emotions that being a step parent brings. So try and keep your chin up!

Nelli32

Phoebe are you ok?

I'm OK thanks

Its interesting to see different peoples comments from very different angles .... some have been helpful.

I hope things work out for you.

My mum was a lone parent for about 10 years until she met my late sd. I was 16 and did'nt like the fact that although I had 2 siblings to share her with I was now going to have to share her with sd and 2 younger ss. I was'nt outwardly nasty to him but felt he was taking the place of my father who I did'nt even know because he died when I was 2!.
Even at the 'grownup' age of 16 I made the decision [sp] that I was NOT going to like him.
How wrong I was he made my mum really happy and although they were only married for 10 years [he died of a heart attack aged 55] I can truly say that he was a really great Dad.
So even though kids can give step parents a 'baptism of fire' they can grow to love one another.

Phoebe Im really glad you are still here

Keep ignoring the bad :D

You are a good person, remember that!

Many of the bitter comments are from erm another position, please remember that

Phoebe

So glad to see you're still posting. Just wanted to share my personal experience. I have three step children and built good relationships with the older two pretty quickly but really struggled with the youngest one who was seven when I first met him. He hated dealing with change and had already gone through his parents' divorce, living between two houses and now a new person was on the scene (however slowly we had introduced me, I was still one more change to a very young boy).

I would have sworn on my life at the time that it would never improve and I must admit to thinking some not terribly nice thoughts at the time and feeling resentful. Luckily my partner (now husband) was very understanding and I tried to never let those emotions show to the children and I worked away at building a relationship with him, little bit by bit.

Years later I have a fantastic relationship with him. We are really close and loving and it feels completely naturual, something years ago I never thought would be possible. I love him and genuinely just want the best for him, all the difficulties and resentment have completely gone. Being a step mum is really hard, it can take a lot of time to make it work and seem impossible at times. In my case, I gave him and his Dad lots of time together but I also did a big project with him one holiday which meant that just he and I spent lots of time together and that was the real break through moment.

Perhaps your partner and you can get some external advice - it seems so sad to end things when you love each over. Hang in there, it can work.

Hi, I just wanted to add my experience to this post - how hoelpful it is I don't know but here goes!!

My partner has 4 children from a previous marriage, the oldest is now 21 and the youngest is now 8. The oldest said from day 1 that she didn't want to know me (she was old enough to make that decision and we respected that)the other three were told by my dp's ex that I was not allowed to meet them for two years. We didn't have much choice so we went with that decision but after about a year of me being the "forbidden fruit" the two middle children wrote a letter to their mum (!!) saying they wanted to meet me, when and where. The meeting was good - they realised that I was just an ordinary person and we got on well. The youngest one then started to come to our house too. He got on well with me and then one day he said to me "My mummy says you took my dadi away from me" My point in all this is that you don't know what the ex is saying to the child. We've always made a point of never saying anything bad about the ex in front of the children but that obviously is not what is happening in their household!!

It wasn't true that I took his dadi away BTW!! Also I actually moved from Essex and my family to Wales where I knew no-one so that dp could be near the children

Thanks to all those that have added some really positive posts here.

I have taken alot of comments on board and please believe that my feelings in the initial post are not a continuous thought but bourne out of frustration about my situation at that time. Sometimes you can get really angry, frustrated, upset and bad feelings rear their ugly head and can be misdirected but they don't last. I'm sure most of you can understand that.

She is a 7 year old little girl and to be honest, when I hear other stories and really think about it, its not that bad, we have found a way to work around each other and we have a relationship, albeit a very basic one but I accept and am happy with the fact that this is all she wants right now. We are polite to each other but just do't interact much. I have always had the opinion that I should let her come to me if she wants to but my partner took this as disinterest and dislike for his DSD. I think I need to show my partner this site (maybe not all the comments!!!!) and see if I can get him to see things as they are and accept them. It could be a lot worse and perhaps in time something will blossom when we least expect it.

Phoebe30

Just a quick post to say that in the first couple of years when I was struggling with the whole step parent thing I showed my dh this site and he found it very helpful and a huge eye opener that I wasn't an abnormal alien who was feeling these emotions on purpose and trying to destroy the world!!! Give it a go - certainly can't do any harm!

Good luck - all the best x