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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Desperate/Upset failed step parent

92 replies

phoebe30 · 11/04/2008 23:51

I have been trying to form a relationship with a little girl who is now 7 for 3 1/2 years. I am her dad's partner, or at least was. We have been together for 4 years and we are now separating because I cannot find a way to bond with his daughter. Its not nasty its just very uncomfortable when we are together which happens to be quite alot (6 days out of 14). My partner has now decided that we should try and live seperately to resolve the situation because he feels we have tried everything else, but I just feel its a means to and end literally and end. I'm am so upset, feel like a complete failure but still love him dearly. How can I overcome these feelings of hatered and resentment towards his daughter. The fact is we are so happy when its just us but its so uncomfortable when his daughter is around its breaking us apart. I have suggested that I see less of her and stay out the way some days that he has her and reduce the contact that I have with his daughter but he is not open to this suggestion, am I asking too much? I love him but can't help feeling he is a little obsessed with his daughter to the detrement of our relationship which is now pretty much over. All comments and suggestions welcome please

OP posts:

dittany · 12/04/2008 01:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madamez · 12/04/2008 01:35

This isn't actually about faults, Phoebe. It does sound like you have tried, and it also sounds like your DP is doing the honourable thing and putting his DD's wishes first by cancelling your wedding. And I'm sure this is miserable for you but there are times when, no matter what you do, a relationship is just not going to work and it's best to accept that.

SmugColditz · 12/04/2008 08:02

My critisism was perfectly constructive, I just didnt send you hugs, loves or sparkly fairies to guide you towards your choices. If you want only sweet, tactful answers that agree with you next time, then may I suggest that you are a little more careful about expressing this in your thread titles?

You asked an honest question, I gave you an honest answer. Then you have accused me of 'not helping' towards your vulnerability. May I tactlessly and unhelpfully suggest, then, that if you are feeling like you cannot handle honest answers or the opinions of others, you should refrain from asking for them?

I am feeling rather vulnerable at the moment too. I am a single mother who may have to at some point leave her children in the care of their father and a woman who will hate them, resent them, and blame them if he doesn't wish to marry her. So forgive me if I identify better with your stepdaughter than with you.

tissy · 12/04/2008 08:20

There has been a lot going on in the life of this girl in the last 3.5 years. She has gone from being an only child in a home where the parents don't get on to a only child in a "broken home" to an only child with a new father (does she get on with him , I wonder?), and a new sibling , and then her father threatens to get married and have more children himself. She must feel rejected on all sides, and it's no wonder that she's putting up barriers.

Phoebe, if your relationship with her father is going to last, you have to give this more time.

Put ALL your feelings to the back of your mind...be pleasant to her at ALL times, include her in conversations, ask her opinions, maybe buy her little gifts every now and then, bring her breakfast in bed on occasions...treat her as you would an honoured guest. If she doesn't respond, don't grump about it, but smile and carry on.

What she NEEDS is consistency, and reassurance that her father isn't going to abandon her for another woman/ child. If you can carry on like this for a lot longer she may come to see that you are a permanent fixture in her father's life, but not to her detriment.

nkf · 12/04/2008 08:31

I'd say (sorry) that some men can't form new relationships that incorporate their previous families. It's dreadful to be in a situation when you resent your partner's seven year old daugher. Find a man with fewer commitments.

conniedescending · 12/04/2008 08:40

Your DP is the gate keeper to a relationship with his daughter and it sounds like he has some pretty strong ideas (ideals??) about how he would like that relationship to be. Your description sounds like you'd like to be an Aunty type figure - is this how your DP wants things to be or is he thinking more along the lines of a 3rd parent?

I think you should both put your cards on the table and see what each others expectations are. Can you compromise? If he wants you to develop a better relationship then he has to help that out and not let his DD feign illness or whatever to get out of spending time with you. Equally if you want to just be an involved Aunty type figure then he has to allow for times when you leave them to have time alone.

I think some posters have been pretty harsh in that its all your responsibility to make things work - it's not.

jammi · 12/04/2008 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

duomonstermum · 12/04/2008 15:16

jammi is talking sense. she's a little girl and she's ahd a lot of upheaval in her short life. if she sees that you and DP are a secure unit she will start to come round. have you spoken with DP to find out what role he expects you to play?? if you are to be her stepmum he has to allow that relationship tp grow and be supportive of you. i would say that in light of the way that she's taken to having another sibling, maybe canceling the wedding wasn't a bad thing. let her deal with one upset at a time. but ultimately unless he starts to stand firm about your part in his life, you're flogging a dead horse.

i say this from bitter experience. DH and i nearly split because he had different expectations to mine. we talked a lot and we've somehow managed to come out on the other side. i now have a great relationship with DSD1 and we're getting there with DSD2, but she is 13 . if you do get back together, always be consistent ie if you say you'll do something, you do it come hell or high water. she's had enough upheaval, it's time for someone to show her some stability.

hercules1 · 12/04/2008 15:22

Smugcolditz is speaking an awful lot of sense here even though it may not be what you want to here. (is it you colditz?)

duomonstermum · 12/04/2008 15:24

btw it's only taken 12yrs to get to this point!!

fireflytoo · 12/04/2008 16:39

Many people have said some very useful things. From my point of view (my father remarried...actually left my mum for her). I am also divorced and have made a conscious decision not to marry -or even move in with- my DP for the sakes of our children. We have been together 8 years now. It is not ideal and definitely puts the kids first.

About your current position. The points I would like to underline are:

at this age she does not think rationally and would see her father as the only constant thing in her life. As she seems to be quite nice (sorry can't think of better word at the moment)I would be very grateful if I were you.

What she needs is stability and reassurance. I think your DP has to make the decision that if he wants to be with you, she should be made to understand that that is the case and that he would like for her to accept you. And then you make sure you create some routines that include all of you and which will provide some sameness etc.

And you should move through this with inner happiness and equanimity. She will need lots of patience. Especially with a sibling at home which challenges her security even more. And you cannot give up and become dejected that you have no effect. It took me 7 years to learn to accept and not resent my SM and in the end we became quite good friends.... mostly because my SM stayed the same with us, always made us feel special when we visited and because my Dad insisted that we treat her with respect.

I know it is hard and might feel like you are getting nowhere. But I do believe you and your DP need to sit down together and decide about priorities and how to achieve them and then steadfastly move forward.

Good luck...sorry so long.

fireflytoo · 12/04/2008 16:40

Would she be a bridesmaid at you wedding?

pleasechange · 12/04/2008 17:13

phoebe I think a lot of the comments you've received have been quite harsh.
My experience (with DH who has children who don't live with us)is that because they don't live with us, he over- compensates when they are here. This has caused many heated discussions in the past as I feel this doesn't contribute to a 'normal happy relaxed' family environment when they are here with us. i.e. he used to spend 100% of his time 'entertaining' them while they were here, and so they came to expect this as normal.

After many discussions this has improved somewhat....but it has been a long slog and there is way to go. One of the difficulties as a SM is that anything you say is taken as negative against the DSC, and so the constant feeling of walking on eggshells.

I think jammi is right - the DH needs to set the groundrules that you are in his life. Obviously DSC have needs and it needs to be handled carefully, but in my experience it's a fine line between meeting these and overcompensating and spoiling the child (which will not help them in the long run, as ever children need to learn to compromise.

Not sure if any of this helps, but I have been through some of the difficulties and feelings you refer to, so you're not alone

isitoveryet · 12/04/2008 17:54

I think you're trying your best here, and your suggestion was a fair one. It's a real shame that your dp isn't prepared to try this. Maybe he's after some ideal that isn't there, and maybe it's best to realise now how much he's expecting of you and whether or not you want to continue with this amount of pressure. Good luck in however it turns out

Surfermum · 12/04/2008 18:36

How do you get on with her mum? Are you able to talk to her about it? She might be able to give you some advice.

You could also ask how she is with her mum's partner. You might find that she's exactly the same with him.

fizzbuzz · 13/04/2008 16:12

I have 2 ds's. Although they are much much older, one has always been open and friendly and one has made every effort to shut me out dspite my best intentions. I persevered for 5 years to get him "to let me in", but he never did. I stopped trying eventually. Even when you are the adult you can only try so much

Some of it is to do with the peronality of the child whatever the age

CarGirl · 13/04/2008 16:23

It sounds like the dsd has partnership rights with her Dad, ie a 50% say in what they do, eat, live etc. That is not actually healthy.

You could seek family counselling, because tbh if the dsd dictates whether or not her Dad can bring along a friend/partner on an outing then that is odd.

I think it's good that the marriage is not going ahead at the moment but all is not lost and it certainly isn't the dsd's fault but it could be that the dsd & Dad don't have a healthy/balanace father/daughter relationship and if that were addressed things could be different?

Anna8888 · 13/04/2008 16:27

Phoebe30 - I am very, very for you.

I am stepmother to two boys (13, 10) and the relationship is, generally speaking, an easy one. My partner and I also have a daughter (3.5).

I would urge you to look for a counsellor specialised in stepfamilies. Maybe you and your stepdaughter are never going to hit it off, but that is neither her nor your fault. Please believe me in this.

And you do not have to have a "cuddly" maternal relationship with stepchildren of the sort you would have with your own children. It is quite normal to have a much more distant relationship with stepchildren.

What are your DP's and his family's expectations? Are they expecting you to be cuddly and maternal with your DSD?

Anna8888 · 13/04/2008 16:30

Furthermore, I do not think any child should be allowed to get in the way of his/her parent's couple relationship, be that with his/her biological parent or any other person.

That would be very wrong. In this case, it would be putting the little girl in the place of "wife". That is seriously dangerous for her development and future mental health.

Please look for a counsellor or psychologist.

Anna8888 · 13/04/2008 16:32

"He's her father, he's never going to put you first."

Colditz - my partner puts me first and so he should, before either of his sons or our daughter.

Children should not be allowed to rule their parents' love lives. To let them do so is exceedingly bad parenting practice.

nkf · 13/04/2008 16:34

It may not be healthy but it sounds as if it's what the man wants. He cancelled his wedding because of the daughter. What does that tell you?

Anna8888 · 13/04/2008 16:34

It tells me he is confused and misguided and needs to see a psychologist.

nkf · 13/04/2008 16:39

Well yes but that doesn't help the OP. Sometimes it's best to accept that someone can't or won't even try to make a healthy relationship. And, painful though it is, move on.

Anna8888 · 13/04/2008 16:42

Why doesn't that help the OP?

She can see a psychologist on her own who will help her clarify the issues and understand that she is not at fault.

And that will give her the strength to discuss the issue dispassionately with her partner, explaining that she has taken professional advice and that the little girl in question is being given too much power in her family and that is detrimental to her development and long-term mental health.

Divorced parents, wracked with guilt, often give in to their child's every whim. They need to learn not to do so.

Twinkie1 · 13/04/2008 16:44

I put DD first when I met DH - if she hadn't taken to him he would have been out the door - it was about his relationship with us and not just me - we were and still are a package!

Phoebe - had your DP spoken to his daughter honestly and upfront - DD is 7 and if she were behaving like this I could have a good conversation with her to find out why and what I could do about it and then your DP could exlain that as mummy has someone in her life so does he now.

She understands a lot more than you are giving her credit for some of you MNs - I think she is playing the both of you! Does your dP realise that ths is the way it will always be - is he will ing to be alone for the rest of his life on the say so of a 7 year old.

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