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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Desperate/Upset failed step parent

92 replies

phoebe30 · 11/04/2008 23:51

I have been trying to form a relationship with a little girl who is now 7 for 3 1/2 years. I am her dad's partner, or at least was. We have been together for 4 years and we are now separating because I cannot find a way to bond with his daughter. Its not nasty its just very uncomfortable when we are together which happens to be quite alot (6 days out of 14). My partner has now decided that we should try and live seperately to resolve the situation because he feels we have tried everything else, but I just feel its a means to and end literally and end. I'm am so upset, feel like a complete failure but still love him dearly. How can I overcome these feelings of hatered and resentment towards his daughter. The fact is we are so happy when its just us but its so uncomfortable when his daughter is around its breaking us apart. I have suggested that I see less of her and stay out the way some days that he has her and reduce the contact that I have with his daughter but he is not open to this suggestion, am I asking too much? I love him but can't help feeling he is a little obsessed with his daughter to the detrement of our relationship which is now pretty much over. All comments and suggestions welcome please

OP posts:

nkf · 13/04/2008 16:45

If she wants to make that degree of effort then she could, of course. Some women do like to reform men and show them the error of their ways. Some times though you don't need to see a psychologist. Some times it's crystal clear what's going on.

nkf · 13/04/2008 16:51

I don't think she is playing. She wants her dad to herself and he's willing to accomodate that.

nkf · 13/04/2008 16:52

The problem is not the daughter. The problem is the man's behaviour. His daughter's feelings come first with him. Focussing on an unfriendly 7 year old is missing the point.

CarGirl · 13/04/2008 16:56

NFK

"His daughters feelings come first" I'm unclear whether you accept that letting a 7 year old always have what they want (ie accommodating their feelings) is a bad thing though.

There are taking your childs feelings into account and letting them rule the roost 2 different things.

nkf · 13/04/2008 17:04

I'll be clearer then. I don't think children should rule the roost. But it sounds as if this man is permitting it. It sounds as if the OP's partner is committed primarily to his daughter. What can a woman do in that situation? There are any number of options. Family therapy. Talking it through. Living with it. Or findiing someone who can commit.

CarGirl · 13/04/2008 17:08

NKF agree with you. The op can either explain the situation as she sees it or cut her losses and find someone new and ready to commit.

Twinkie1 · 13/04/2008 17:09

You know - I think maybe the kid is in a routine of being unfriendly - do you think it is a habit?

Is she like this with anyone else? Her Mother's DH?

Has anyone ever asked her why she is so unfriendly towards you - if that was my DD (who is also 7) I would want to know why she was behaving like that and would expect a better answer than I don't like so and so!

Maybe she couldn't communicate about it and it has just become the way she behaves around you now even though she has grown up and can talk about her feelings.

ElenorRigby · 13/04/2008 19:57

phoebe I am sympathetic with were you are coming from and I feel a lot of the comments here, mostly I would suspect from people who are not "step parents", are harsh.

I think your feelings might not be so uncommon. Check out this link

georgiemama · 13/04/2008 20:02

By Anna8888

"Colditz- my partner puts me first and so he should, before either of his sons or our daughter."

I never quote from people - I actually think its a but off. But I am so stunned by that comment that I cannot resist.

Am I the only person who thinks that is completely and utterly bizarre?

And actually, the converse would be better, for the OP as a potential future ex Mrs fiance (negative I know, but its possible). A man who continues to put his children by an ex partner above his current partner is matrimonially a better prospect than one who appears to forget family number one ever existed when a new flame appears. It would make me worry how I might be treated in future, and my children, if my DH could so casually disregard the feelings of an unhappy 7 year old girl.

Anna8888 · 13/04/2008 20:05

georgiemama

You are misunderstanding the point.

It is nothing to do with forgetting the previous family.

We are a very happy and united family - the point is that families should be managed by the parents, not the children. Parents are adults with experience who have the right to choose their own life partners, not have them dictated by their children.

georgiemama · 13/04/2008 20:13

God you're quick, are you on this thing all the time? I just refreshed and there you were!

I really don't think I am misunderstanding you at all.

You said that a parent is entitled, indeed should, put their lover/current partner/spouse above their children. I think that in practice, that would mean the children who were not also current partner's children in such an arrangement would come very far down the pecking order. That could be your child one day. It would not be acceptable for that to happen to mine.

You are a stepmother, and write from a position of knowledge of what that is like. Fortunately I do not know. But I am a stepchild, and it is shit. And for 99% of other people whose parents remarried that I know, it is also shit. You are never as important again.

Now I anticipate that you will say my views are coloured by my own experience, and in that way attempt to dismiss them. So are yours, and no less relevant for it.

For the OP, I think that you are not being unreasonable, it is understandable that you do not love this child or feel that her father should put her first. But fortunately, he does. If you are unable to make your relationship work on terms that are workable for his other family, then you need to find someone who can give you what you need, it sounds as though this man can't. I do appreciate that that is hard for you and I do feel great sympathy for your situation.

Anna8888 · 13/04/2008 20:19

georgiemama

The point is only that parents' love lives should not be dictated by children. The OP's partner should put his feelings for her before his child's feelings for her. That would be good for the child.

nkf · 13/04/2008 20:20

I slightly forgot what the OP was about. Then I looked at the subject line and I really do think you should not see this in terms of failure. That won't help you make a decision.

georgiemama · 13/04/2008 20:22

Then we just completely disagree.

When you are a parent, to me, you come with baggage that cannot be shed. Taking your child's needs, wishes and best interests into account means that a great number of things, including your love life, are dictated by your children.

Believe me, it is not good for a child to know that your parent puts their love life before you. It is just not.

Anna8888 · 13/04/2008 20:23

Oh georgiemama, of course it is.

The world cannot be ruled by children's wishes.

nkf · 13/04/2008 20:24

But maybe the OP's partner does feel more for his child than he does for the OP.

Anna8888 · 13/04/2008 20:26

Obviously, if the OP's partner doesn't really love her, that's another issue.

But that isn't entirely clear. That's why I think that the OP ought to see a psychologist to help sort out what the root cause is and whether the father is guilt-wracked and consequently giving in to his daughter's whims.

That is a very common reaction.

ElenorRigby · 13/04/2008 20:26

A bit of a derail but georgiemama why is it was/is it shit for you as a stepchild?

georgiemama · 13/04/2008 20:33

Anna, really I should leave this but I'm just too sucked in -

I;m not proposing that the world is ruled by a child's wishes, I'm not sure my son could contribute anything meaningful to the next G8 summit, for example. But they are entitled to be put first in matters that directly affect them, such as where they are expected to live, and with whom. Matters that they have no direct control over, and therefore can only hope to be taken into account, or attempt through the childish resources open to them, to make their feelings known.

If you really think, really honestly think, that you will be happy one day for your child to know that your, or your husband's sex life meant more than them, good for you. As I have direct personal experience that a child is not happy with that knowledge, I will just disagree and leave it at that.

TheFallenMadonna · 13/04/2008 20:33

I actually agree with Anna. Understanding (rather than guessing) the motives of the child and the father are surely of enormous importance. I can't see that the situation where a man or woman gives up a relationship which has the potential to bring them satisfaction and happiness because their child doesn't like the idea of a step parent benefits anyone, or can lend itself to a good long term relationship between parent and child.

If the motives are different, then fair enough.

georgiemama · 13/04/2008 20:35

elenor, because for my father, I just ceased to exist. I know that is an extreme example of the problem I cite, but I know plenty of others who have suffered by the knowledge that they are not as important as the parent's current squeeze.

Obviously I am not suggesting anyone who ges divorced can never marry again, or have a relationship again. But you are no longer completely free to choose, IMVHO.

Anna8888 · 13/04/2008 20:38

georgiemama - you are getting confused.

The fact that you ceased to exist when your father remarried is very sad. But that was not a necessary outcome of a father remarrying.

nkf · 13/04/2008 20:41

I think that children do feel left when a parent leaves. And bereft. The "I left my wife/husband not the children" doesn't always make sense to children. What they know is that their father used to live with them and now lives somewhere else. And then perhaps he goes on to have a child that he sees every day.

One of my cousins divorced and remarried. He married a woman who had two sons the same ages as his own sons. I always wondered how his children felt about that, knowing that two other boys were seeing their father every day.

georgiemama · 13/04/2008 20:43

I am not confused. You are a touch patronising, however.

I didn't say it was the necessary outcome. I said my experience was an extreme example of what can happen to children when they cease to come first - it is the flip side of the "happy parent, happy child" mantra which is so prevalent on MN. I have always thought it demonstrably untrue (I might be happy if I became a crack addict, for a while anyway. Would my son be happy? I doubt it).

harpomarx · 13/04/2008 21:14

I am a single mum. When I choose to have a new relationship I will absolutely put my child first, no question about it.

she has already 'lost' one family, I do not want her ever to feel that she has to come second to a new relationship.

this is not being ruled by a child's wishes, it is taking responsibility for a life you have helped create and which you wish to make as happy as possible.

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