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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Desperate/Upset failed step parent

92 replies

phoebe30 · 11/04/2008 23:51

I have been trying to form a relationship with a little girl who is now 7 for 3 1/2 years. I am her dad's partner, or at least was. We have been together for 4 years and we are now separating because I cannot find a way to bond with his daughter. Its not nasty its just very uncomfortable when we are together which happens to be quite alot (6 days out of 14). My partner has now decided that we should try and live seperately to resolve the situation because he feels we have tried everything else, but I just feel its a means to and end literally and end. I'm am so upset, feel like a complete failure but still love him dearly. How can I overcome these feelings of hatered and resentment towards his daughter. The fact is we are so happy when its just us but its so uncomfortable when his daughter is around its breaking us apart. I have suggested that I see less of her and stay out the way some days that he has her and reduce the contact that I have with his daughter but he is not open to this suggestion, am I asking too much? I love him but can't help feeling he is a little obsessed with his daughter to the detrement of our relationship which is now pretty much over. All comments and suggestions welcome please

OP posts:

harman · 11/04/2008 23:58

Message withdrawn

windygalestoday · 12/04/2008 00:00

at 7 she should be quite good fun what caused this hatred of a small girl?

Original poster

phoebe30 · 12/04/2008 00:00

Just to explain a little further we were supposed to be getting married in June but that has now been cancelled after lots of discussion. Probably for the best but it hurts never the less and might explain my resentment for his daughter a little more as she is the only reason we have cancelled.

OP posts:

SmugColditz · 12/04/2008 00:03

She isn't the reason the wedding has been canceled, yours and your partner's feelings are the reason your wedding has been canceled. She can't help your feelings towards her, or the fact that your partner no longer wants to get married, she is 7 years old. Stop projecting the irritation you feel at your partner not putting you fist onto a child who is only in her second or third year at school.

Original poster

phoebe30 · 12/04/2008 00:05

Unfortunately she is not good fun at all. She doesn't want me around but doesn't express this she just looks at me like a frightened rabbit and goes quiet. She is quite spoilt with attention and used to getting 100% attention from everyone as she is the only child and only grandchild in the whole family until her mum recently had another baby which she has not adjusted well to.

OP posts:

SmugColditz · 12/04/2008 00:06

Stop trying to compete with his child and accept you won't win, then maybe you will get on a bit better. He's her father, he's never going to put you first. Accept it or move on.

harpomarx · 12/04/2008 00:07

phoebe, this may hurt some more, but it seems like the only way you will have a relationship with this man is by developing one with his daughter.

And, IMO, this is how it should be. A good dad should be 'obsessed' with his daughter.

If you are not ready to build a relationship with a child (and yes, they can be annoying, incomprehensible, etc but they are just learning to be people) then this is probably not the relationship for you.

Original poster

phoebe30 · 12/04/2008 00:12

Smugcolditz - I'm sorry but she is the reason we are not getting married and are on the verge or splitting up. I have tried so hard with her to make her feel at home and involved but she is just not interested. I can understand this as she doesn't need anyone else is her life but if it wasn't for complete closure to me the plans made would be going ahead.

OP posts:

Original poster

phoebe30 · 12/04/2008 00:17

Harpomarx - I am very open to building a relationship with her but unfortunately she is not so what do I do ? she is not annoying, or naughty in the slightest - she just won't let me in ? I have a fantastic relationship with 3 nieces, a nephew and several close friends children - but just can't get anywhere with DSD.

OP posts:

clam · 12/04/2008 00:21

Was she always this way, or did she close off once she realised that you and DP were serious? Do you detect any hidden agenda on her part? What's she like with other people?

harpomarx · 12/04/2008 00:25

that must be hard phoebe, but I think you just have to keep trying if you want to be with this man.

7 is still very little, she may open up more in a year or two.

She just sounds shy to me and shy kids sometimes need time to feel at ease. I was shy as a kid and I used to hate adults to come on at me full on (still do a bit!) but I loved those who were just themselves and showed me stuff/had fun/didn't keep trying to bring me out of myself.

SmugColditz · 12/04/2008 00:27

She's 7.

Did she ring up the registry office and cancel? Take scissors to your dress? No?

Then yours and your partners reactions to her are what has stopped your wedding. Not her. If your partner doesn't want to marry you and the reason he gives is her, that's something he is doing, not a little girl.

Be the adult here, please. She's only 5 years out of nappies for Christ's sake.

madamez · 12/04/2008 00:29

WHat do you mean by her 'letting you in'? Are you demanding that she love you? WHy should she? If she is difficult in that she is constantly rude, hostile, destructive or badly behaved I could understand you being worn out by that, but the most you can ask of a stepchild is that the child is civil and amicable towards you: s/he is under no obligation to call you Mother and adore you or even confide in you. Maybe she is a reserved sort of person (a 7-year-old is a person with every right to be him/herself), and finds your attempts to be 'let in' intrusive.
Also, do you hate her mother? Are you rude to/about her mother? Because that could make her resent you as well. And if you are completely hostile towards her mother purely because her mother is your DP's XP then it's no wonder that there are problems with your relationship.

Original poster

phoebe30 · 12/04/2008 00:30

She has always been this way with me. I don't think there is a hidden agenda as her mum is now married to another man and they have just had a child together although DD has not taken this particuarly well. It's always been the case that when she is with dad its just been those two since she was born as his relationship with mum was not good before she was conceived so whenever she has been with dad its just been those 2 so u try and i ensure they still have lots of quality time together because I think thats important but she just won't entertain me in the slightest. Its not that she becomes disruptive or naughty - its if we try and take her out she asks if i'm coming and if I am she suddenly feels ill or makes an excuse so its not enjoyable and we generally have to come home where she just wants daddy's attention.

OP posts:

SmugColditz · 12/04/2008 00:31

You are an adult.

She is a child.

You have wants.

She has needs.

These outweigh your wants.

They always will.

Always.

SmugColditz · 12/04/2008 00:32

Having any kind of relationship with a child is not like making friends with an adult. Adults are give and take. Children are take and take some more. They might give back one day, if they lke you. They might not.

Original poster

phoebe30 · 12/04/2008 00:40

Believe me I have not forced myself of her, I have taken a back seat to allow her to come to me if she wants to and if she doesn't thats fine but I feel a certain mount of pressure to form a relationship with her by her dad and the family or I lose him. OK this is his decision I know and cancelling the wedding was probably the best all round to be honest but I feel I can't win. I don't want to be put first or compete with DD - she is a little girl. I would like to be friends with her but can't seem to get there.

Perhaps your right and I'm not mean't for this relationship.

OP posts:

clam · 12/04/2008 00:43

I think SmugColditz is being a bit harsh. It seems like phoebe has tried her best, but is flogging a dead horse. What else can she do?

SmugColditz · 12/04/2008 00:47

She can't do anything, that's my point. Either accept that she isn't going to have a relationship with a child who doesn't want one, or carry on flogging the dead horse.

really, it's your partner who has the greater say in this, Pheobe. The child cannot make herself be someone she's not just to please you - so his reaction to her is the turning point here. his choice is to accept it and not marry you, or ignore it and marry you as he wishes. But it's not something she has done to you.

harpomarx · 12/04/2008 00:50

agree with smugcolditz really, even if I'm a bit more softly, softly. At the end of the day, the kid's not in the equation, she's not an adult nor can be expected to behave like one. The issue is the relationship between you and your boyfriend/fiance with respect to his daughter.

Original poster

phoebe30 · 12/04/2008 00:52

Thank you clam.

I was feeling pretty bad about myself to start and know that I am probably being unreasonable and if my relationship is about to fail its my fault but some of the comments haven't been that helpful.

Without giving a fuller background its difficult to explain things but I have tried, I haven't forced myself on her but have got nowhere so don't know what else to do. Perhaps I'm looking for answers in the wrong place.

OP posts:

Original poster

phoebe30 · 12/04/2008 01:05

If there is nothing anyone can suggest then I guess I have to just face facts but if I can just say to Smugcolditz be careful how you express your feelings to people because to be honest if you cannot make a more construtive criticism - don't comment because I'm feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment and you really haven't helped.

I know I am an adult and I know I am responsible for my actions - believe me I have not been anything other than that regarding this situation. I was hoping for some guidance on a little girl that is proving to be very difficult to understand

OP posts:

theUrbanNixie · 12/04/2008 01:09

Ok - i don't have any experience of step-parenting, just wanted to make a suggestion.

it seems to me that you've been as reasonable as you can, regarding this situation, especially if you don't have kids of your own. you've suggested that your dp and his dd spend more time alone and he's rejected that idea.

Why?

it seems like the perfect solution to me. you get your dp the other 8 days of the fortnight, you are polite and considerate to your dsd when you do spend time together, you back off a bit and she may relax.

i think there is more to the marriage cancellation than your dsd tbh.

Original poster

phoebe30 · 12/04/2008 01:16

That was my thought on the suggestion. I still try my best when she is around, without forcing myself on her, but give her what she wants i.e. time just with her dad.

Am I asking too much???

OP posts:

theUrbanNixie · 12/04/2008 01:24

as i said, i have no experience of this sort of thing so can't really say whether you're being unreasonable or not.

have you talked to your dp about it? what does he say when you suggest that he spends more time on his own with his dd? does he give a reason why he doesn't want to do it?

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