Struggling with SC/being a step mum

[Dodoofferyou]

I have two ss and I am really struggling and I just don’t know how to cope and change things to make our home and life easier. For background, my oh and his ex have a very toxic co-parenting relationship. they live with us 50/50.

My sc have poor hygiene and I really struggle with the continual wee everywhere, the bathroom constantly smelling of poo and stale wee (from the wash basket). The upstairs stinking of their BO. I have spoken to my OH, who has put it down to their age and them being boys.

Their laziness. Not just teenage laziness, but entitlement that everyone in the house exists to serve them. They can’t get themselves a drink for example, nor make their own sandwiches for school. They can’t keep their room tidy (apparently its my fault we can’t afford a bigger house and more space). They refuse to help or contribute in the home to family things. I have a dd who is always happy to help with jobs, help prepare dinner, will always ask if anyone else wants a drink etc, but they are so selfish.

Their backchat and tone when they speak to me is disgusting. I do so much of their day to day parenting with no thank you or appreciation. How they speak to me is also upsetting and today I’ve been in tears over how someone as young as 11 (other is nearly 14) can speak to someone how I have been. My oh says that how when they speak to me like that it’s because they have ‘a point’.

I know a lot of this, well probably all of this, is due to my OH and his pretty piss poor parenting. He’s very laid back and I’m not, so is happy to pick his battles I suppose. But that’s largely because I have the responsibility for our family in terms of what I suppose gets called the motherland. I find myself getting worked up when they are here because of how they treat me.

I feel like I am there for everyone in our home. And I am the one taking so much shit. Really like the bottom of the pile and my oh doesn’t see it.

we are also struggling with money at the moment and when sc are behaving like this and I see him continuing to spoil them, and continually undermine me in front of them, I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle.

He’s lazy and he’s teaching his sons to be the same. If he can’t see anything wrong, he’s not going to change. You need to set your boundaries even if that means leaving.

We both own it. I am part time but have an ok income. I need to look in to buying him out and reach out to my mortgage man.

You poor, poor daughter. Get these awful males out of her life before her childhood is ruined.

Can you and dd go & stay with friends or family the next time they are due to come?

Let OH deal with wet feet when he's paddling in their pee because you are not there to sort it.
Let him clean up the shite they leave. Let him wash their pissy clothes.
Tell him you want it clean when you come back.

See if his attitude changes when he has to deal with it.

If not you have to decide what you want to do.

They're disgusting, how can you live like that and inflict them on your DD.
It's laziness nothing else but pure laziness and your OH has no respect for you, himself, his kids or the house to allow this to continue.

You need to live separately or they will just get worse and worse and eventually start expecting your DD to be their skivvy as well as you.

Leave your partner and make a decent home for your daughter. She deserves better.

This x1000

Why inflict this on her? Shouldn't her wellbeing come before your love life?

This is awful. Can you go full time? Get your ducks in a row and when you are ready throw them all out.

Fuck that, the kids have chores and it doesn’t matter if they tidied their room, the also need to do the dishwasher or vice versa.

OP I have boys and I’ve never had stinky boxers/upstairs etc. They are old enough to ensure a level of cleanliness that doesn’t amount to any smell.

Tell THEIR DAD to parent them, and clean up after them.

And I am the one taking so much shit. Really like the bottom of the pile and my oh doesn’t see it.

He does see it. He's sees it, enables it, and participates in it. He just doesn't love or respect you enough to put a stop to it it.

You and your daughter deserve better. Your OH deserves to be left alone to clean up the literal shit show that is his parenting.

Why aren't you full time if your daughter is already 11? Upgrading to ft should be your first priority.

In the meantime, pick your battles. Don't get involved with anything that doesn't involve shared space. So, just let the room tidying slide, but come down like a ton of brick about piss all over the toilet - whoever did it needs to be dragged back for immediate cleanup, so agree a strategy with OH.

Laundry- get them their own basket to be kept in their room and have OH do the wash. They want their sandwiches done? OH can do it.

Your poor daughter.

Why are you so desperate for a man that you're with this useless waste of space?

And your financial situation would be a lot better if you worked full time. Why don't you? Is it because you need time to clean up the shit and wee, or are you just lazy?

So you work part time - do you take on all household duties, then? For no money and plenty of attitude?

And the positives are??
Unless they have the mental ages of toddlers these boys are more than capable of aiming into the toilet and should they miss for some strange reason they should clean it up! Have a frank Conversation with all the boys(including dp) tell them you are not going to clean up after them or do their washing, give them a washing basket in their room and just ignore it! Hopefully your dp/them will do something. Don't let them treat you or dd like this. Be strong 💪

Agree with this 100%

I never say ‘leave’ but..

I know you say you can’t afford it but you really, really need to move out, OP. there’s no other solution.

Please get away

I agree
My jaw dropped when I read that your OH thought it unreasonable to tell them to do more than 1 chore a day

This. It’s unacceptable.

Fucking vile to be honest

You are a stronger woman than me OP

IDEAS to help with the issues apart from OH getting a grip and getting his kids into shape

• buy toilet wipes so they can wipe themselves properly despite them being very much old enough to do it with toilet roll but here you are

• VIP poop. It's a spray bottle and tell them they are to spray it into the toilet before use / Google it and it will tell you what it is

• refuse to do thier washing - get a tin/metal dustbin with lid and put it out in the back garden and that is where they will put thier shitty underwear until your OH or THEY decide to put a wash on

• buy them both a gift set with hair gel, body scrub, body wash, aftershave and deodorant and tell them for every day they don't use it you won't be giving them a lift/playing on their computer/phone use etc

• give them and OH paper plates, cups and cutlery to eat and drink with until OH and THEG decide it's time to pull their weight and wash a dish or two

There is no answer to this other than to leave or make him leave.
You are at opposite ends of the parenting spectrum.
I agree with other posters.
You are teaching your dd that men are dirty, lazy, and disrespectful. This will be her aim. To find a man who is all of the above will be her normal.
You are teaching her that it is a woman’s job to be subservient and treated this way.
Think hard about that.
I would either work out if you can buy him out or, look for something cheaper/smaller for you and your dd. If you want to you can see be in a relationship with this man, but do not live with him and only see him on the days his children are with their mother.
Stop doing any pack lunches for his children. Stop washing their clothes, quite frankly a 14 year can use a washing machine and sort their own clothes out. Or your lazy oh can do it.
Good God woman wake up and smell the coffee!

This. Oh op, please get you and your DD out of this situation. It’s so unfair on her, never mind you - you are choosing this, she isn’t.

Is there any other adult in your daughter’s life who will put her first so she doesn’t have to live like this? You have choices. She has none.

@Dodoofferyou 100% this. What are you getting out of it? I wouldn’t be doing anything for them. Smelly wash baskets? No way. I’d not be doing a thing for anyone rude and also not teaching them Mum or SM is a housekeeper! And if your partner isn’t sticking up for you then I’d definitely be thinking about ditching the whole sorry lot of them.

Disney dads at their finest.

piss on the seat.. Jim & Bob get up here now and clean your piss up.

their stinking washing basket lives in their room.

the bad attitude find a consequence.

if I were you, I’d be saying to your partner. I’ve had enough now and I’m going to start to put a stop to the things that are making me miserable. I will not tolerate the disrespect and laziness any longer. If you love and respect me you get on board and you follow my lead as yours is lacking. If you can’t do this, I am serious when I tell you I will be looking at how we can live separately

maybe that will sort him out, If it doesn’t, I really think you’d be happier living alone. Not a good example for your DD xx