Struggling with SC/being a step mum

[Dodoofferyou]

I have two ss and I am really struggling and I just don’t know how to cope and change things to make our home and life easier. For background, my oh and his ex have a very toxic co-parenting relationship. they live with us 50/50.

My sc have poor hygiene and I really struggle with the continual wee everywhere, the bathroom constantly smelling of poo and stale wee (from the wash basket). The upstairs stinking of their BO. I have spoken to my OH, who has put it down to their age and them being boys.

Their laziness. Not just teenage laziness, but entitlement that everyone in the house exists to serve them. They can’t get themselves a drink for example, nor make their own sandwiches for school. They can’t keep their room tidy (apparently its my fault we can’t afford a bigger house and more space). They refuse to help or contribute in the home to family things. I have a dd who is always happy to help with jobs, help prepare dinner, will always ask if anyone else wants a drink etc, but they are so selfish.

Their backchat and tone when they speak to me is disgusting. I do so much of their day to day parenting with no thank you or appreciation. How they speak to me is also upsetting and today I’ve been in tears over how someone as young as 11 (other is nearly 14) can speak to someone how I have been. My oh says that how when they speak to me like that it’s because they have ‘a point’.

I know a lot of this, well probably all of this, is due to my OH and his pretty piss poor parenting. He’s very laid back and I’m not, so is happy to pick his battles I suppose. But that’s largely because I have the responsibility for our family in terms of what I suppose gets called the motherland. I find myself getting worked up when they are here because of how they treat me.

I feel like I am there for everyone in our home. And I am the one taking so much shit. Really like the bottom of the pile and my oh doesn’t see it.

we are also struggling with money at the moment and when sc are behaving like this and I see him continuing to spoil them, and continually undermine me in front of them, I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle.

Your poor daughter
are you not able to have a relationship with your partner without living together and inflicting him and his sons on your daughter?

That sounds really awful. So you and your daughter and living in a house that stinks with your partner who obviously is ok with you being treated the way you are.

I don’t mean this unkindly but I am aware it might sound harsh and I am sorry. I’m not kicking you when you’re down but please think really carefully…

What are you getting from this situation / relationship?

What do you think this is teaching your daughter?

It sounds awful and I think you know that because you wouldn’t have posted on here otherwise!

Your OH really needs to get on top of the pissing their pants issue. Your laundry basket shouldn’t be smelling of wee. It’s unkind to the kids not to let them know it is socially unacceptable to just piss yourself. Unless there’s a medical condition?

Although, saying that, it seems as if he’s just too lazy or uninterested to get involved in parenting and making this family work.

When he says the kids have a point about speaking to you rudely, what does he mean? That’s an odd thing to say.

Are they pissing in the basket as an act of against you? Presumably.

Honestly, I’d let your husband and his feral children get on with it. He can’t even drag them up.

Move them all out and let your daughter and you live in a nice calm clean polite home. This will only get worse. Your partner can visit you when the boys are with their mother.

I appreciate you've tried but blended families are hard and this situation is horrible.

Fuck that, what are you getting out of this setup.. doesn't really bring much to the table does he.
My advice is to either leave yourself or chuck him and his smelly kids out.

We couldn’t afford it. But I do think things would be so much easier if we could. My dd has such a lovely relationship with my OH, so it’s even more heartbreaking that I don’t have a similar relationship with my sc.

Move out. Live happily with your dd and date your partner.

Why are you still there?
Your partner is also showing blatant disrespect of you by parenting like this. Protect yourself and your dd by getting out of there. It’s bizarre that he thinks that this is ok and that he’s not worried about his sons being bullied for smelling of piss.

You’re “just” the stepmother so can’t change this. Dad needs to wake up but it sounds like he won’t. Run because this situation is full of red flags and you’d be a fool to stay.

Start figuring out a way you can afford it.
This is not going to change or get better.
They’re only going to get worse because nobody is doing anything about it.
None of the three males in your house love or respect you.
Get your poor daughter away from them.

I suppose when things are good, they are good and everyone gets along. But as my sc have approached teenage years the cracks I suppose have gotten harder to fill.

this is my fear. I don’t want my dd to think being treated like this is acceptable as it’s not.

sometimes I just want to shake my oh and get him to realise that it’s not even our relationship at stake, it’s how his dc will turn out as adults thinking that speaking and treating people how they do is acceptable.

He said that if I ask them to tidy their room and they had done the dishwasher earlier, they have a point that they shouldn’t be asked to do anything else.

Why are you inflicting two unhygienic humans on your daughter and demonstrating with your actions that it's women's work to clean up after the male species and boys can piss where they like, not contribute to household chores and blame the woman for mess and dirt?

Is this how you want her to spend the rest of her life, because you must realise you are teaching her that it's "normal" to live this way (when it bloody well isn't).

In future, when she meets a man she decides to live with, and he pisses all over the floor and expects her to clean it up, she will do because you've taught her that's what women do.

Be a better role model for your child, get your own place, even if it's small and live in a hygienic fashion with your child.

My dd has such a lovely relationship with my OH, so it’s even more heartbreaking that I don’t have a similar relationship with my sc.

That’s because you parented your dd correctly. my 11 year old son wasn’t a fan of showers and would have been made to do his own laundry if he was constantly wetting himself out of laziness. Your partner should be ashamed of his laziness which has clearly rubbed off on his sons yet is acting like it’s normal so he can continue being lazy

You don’t want to normalise this and end up with a dd picking boyfriends and partners like your stepsons and OH. It’s bizarre that they aren’t embarrassed about failing at a task that 2 and 3 year olds master.

You say you can't afford to move out/split? But can you afford not to?

I mean if nothing changes and this is now your life then what's it all been for? If this is the standard of living you can afford then I'd think very carefully about whether it's all going to be worth it.

You need to find the money to put your poor daughter first. She doesn't deserve this life of filth and misogyny. Who is acting in her best interests?

Why on earth would she want to date him? She knows what he's like now.

Come on, OP. He and his sons are absolutely useless. You and your daughter are seen as housekeepers.

What are your options? Whose place is it? Do you work full time? Take this seriously - put your daughter first.

This!

How disgusting. Even our labrador manages not to piss in the house. And I have a son who doesn’t smell, maintains good bodily hygiene and manages to get his pee into the toilet so it isn’t a boy thing! And he is polite and helpful.
Get out and live with your lovely child. You both deserve better.

You are, indeed, fighting a losing battle. Your partber has no respect for you and is passing that attitude on to his boys. Together with the attitude that housework is for the woman.

You might think of the relationship as a partnership, but it sounds to me like employer/ employee (except that you don't get paid).

You have, not one cocklodger, but three.

I'd get shot of them.

If they’re 11 and 13 why in the hell is there urine and feces everywhere?!?

@MounjaroUser fair point

They can’t aim when they go to the toilet. And the smell is because they seem to incapable of wiping fheir bums and their boxers stink of wee.

Oh says his sons gave a point in being rude to you? You and dd pull your weight and all/most of the men in the house are rude to the women and expect to be served, this is what you’re teaching your dd.

If they’re rude and dirty and you have no authority and he supports them, it doesn’t really matter what anyone here says, nothing will change. I couldn’t be attracted to a man that was such a poor parent