Aibu for feeling the way I feel

[anonymoususerr]

Please no hate ❤️

Partner and I have been together 5 years and have a 4 year old together. I fell pregnant while on birth control so he was a complete surprise and now my biggest blessing.

I had never met my partners child until 4 months ago due to my partners Ex calling all the shots.

We do not live together but my child and I go a few days a week to his and his DD lives with him.
The first time I was at his house while she was there I was very excited to meet her and vice versa but now I feel like she just doesn't like me and I feel like I can't take to her atm but I don't know whether it's because we are still basically strangers (DD is 14).

Now I am naturally a shy person and at times I feel awkward around her as I do when I also meet new people.

I feel there may be some resentment towards me (I could be overthinking it) her parent split when she was 2 but her mother strangely still has feelings for him and I'm not sure if her mother is asking her to be weird towards me.

There has been quite a few times where my partners daughter has not acknowledged me and completely ignored me while speaking to her, she has sometimes been rude and made snarky comments, I catch her sometimes looking at me in disgust and looks so bloody miserable whenever me and my child our round.

There has been times where she tells my child to shut up because she can't hear the tv because he is talking to me. She has told my 4 year old that their dad prefers her because he had her first etc.

There has been a few times where her dad and I will be watching tv lay down together and she makes him move so she can cuddle up to him instead, now there's no issue in that whatsoever but I can't help feeling like she could potentially feel jealous? I don't want to feel like we are taking her dad from her but I just don't know how to approach the situation here as I'd love nothing more in the world than for us all to be together as a family.

What do I do? I haven't mentioned to my partner about how I feel as I could just be overthinking it all and I don't want to come across weird

From my point of view, as the step child, my ‘step mother’ was never my family. Having a child with my father doesn’t make you family, so I’d be careful about saying that to her.

I wasn't planning on saying anything to her.

It would be lovely if I was considered family to her in years to come however I do not expect that.

Of course she’s jealous. Don’t get all cuddly in front of a teen.

We weren't, she was in bed and then decided to come down. We have never been touchy or anything in front of her before.

The main issue here is your partner.

You didn't not meet his DD for 4 years because the ex was calling all the shots but because he allowed his ex to call all the shots. What does he do what she is disrespectful towards you or your child? Does he pull her up on it?

If she living with him full time?

If the ex hates you enough to want to keep her DD away from you do you not think that perhaps the child has had poison dropped in her ear all these years? She's probably been brainwashed against you so try to yo take it out on her too much. But ultimately this needs to be addressed by your DP. Whilst his DD is and should be important to him so should you be and he needs to make it clear that she is not his only priority and the world doesn't revolve around her.

Yes she's jealous but she's also a child. You are the adult here with the benefit of a lot more maturity and life experience so don't treat her like another adult. Respect that this is hard for her. Not only does her Dad have a new partner that she doesn't know but also a new child. She must feel pushed out twice.

Yikes what a mess

Are you planning on living with each other? At the moment you are half in and half out and between only recently meeting step sibling the house is fragmented and therefore the family is

First step is your partner needs to help build a relationship between the siblings as that is the lifelong relationship… so you take a back seat and let him curate a relationship between those two … and if his child is being mean to yours he HAS to be a stop to that …

As a fellow step parent I’m here to tell you … you will always be the baddie ( in my opinion ) but focus on the bond between the kids as they will have each other long after you are gone… hopefully

Honestly, she’s a 14 year old girl and you’re a woman that moves in and out of her home with another child, completely changing the home dynamic with her dad that she is perfectly happy with. Every time you come and go she has to adjust. Think about this from her perspective, why on earth would she like you? Teenagers need stability in their home lives.

It’s not personal, it’s just that on the whole, children don’t really want or need step parents. There’s not much you can do to change it.

‘Partners ex calling all the shots’ you only have his version of events and you probably have no idea what the breakup was like… again ‘she still has feelings for him’ assume that’s his line is it?
look, how many men leave a family to create a new one and end up replacing their existing children? I actually don’t have much sympathy, I understand it’s a difficult situation but you assuming the daughter will want to play happy families when she needs stability isn’t going to fly.

She has had a relationship with her brother since he was born, her mother just wouldn't allow me around their child.

We are hoping to move in together once everyone feels comfortable around each other, I don't want to rush anything because I don't want anyone to feel miserable and unhappy about the situation as she lives with him full time.

I know she has feelings for him because I have spoken to her myself and she openly told me that even though they've been split for 11/12 years.

To be fair, that is a long time. Maybe she carries resentment still, if he left and she was essentially left to do the childcare all herself etc. either way, the most important thing is the teenage daughter who needs love and understanding x

Imagine being 14. Your emotions are heightened due to puberty and general teen angst. You have to deal with two acrimonious parents and now your dad has another kid with a woman he'd only known for a few months.

He has kept this side family separate from you (blaming your mum for it, but really, he couldn't be fucking bothered). He does allow visits with the new half sibling, which you find upsetting and unsettling. This woman has suddenly started coming over all the time and wants to live with you. How would you feel?

What do I do?

Focus on your son and make a life away from this mess. She is never going to be cool with the situation, because who would?? Expecting her to accept it is not realistic or fair. Forcing it is only going to make everyone miserable. You and your son both deserve better than this.

I wouldn’t count on moving in until she’s left home in that case.

She's always going to be in our lives no matter what as my son is her brother, my partner and I are extremely happy together.. why not try and make it work? I'm not going to leave just because his child isn't happy about it. If it works it works if it doesn't then it doesn't there is absolutely no harm in trying

There's every harm in trying!

Harm to his daughter
Harm to your son
Harm to your relationship with your partner.

You and your partner need to think incredibly carefully about how to manage this situation.

I would suggest some individual therapy for his daughter, plus some family therapy for her, you and your partner.

@anonymoususerr , I will put this gently , but the two children may not always be in each other’s lives . It depends on many things .

Ok

Has your son asked yet why his father lives with his half sister full time, but not him? Does your boyfriend not parent his son?

I don't understand why you go round when you know you make his teenage daughter miserable by doing so.

Why can't he come to your house to visit you and his child?

You can't force someone to like you, and trying to will actually make it worse.,

When his child is in his care, HE calls the shots about who she meets.

This is HIS problem, and things would have been a million times easier if you'd met her when she was 10, when you first got together.

It's so difficult to try and form a relationship with a teen. My DP's son was 14 when we got together.

Because him and HIS child come as a package. I want to be with her dad and he wants to be with me. So we are working to make everyone happy. We have only just met so there is plenty of time for her to hopefully gradually come round to it

Also, how did the ex manage to not allow you to see your boyfriends daughter (she isn't your step daughter) for 5 years? Who your boyfriend saw when he had contact time with his daughter would have been entirely up to him.

Yes my son is full of questions that I have no answers too, my partner has no realised he was in the wrong for letting things go for such a long time and is now trying to make things hopefully better for us all