Aibu for feeling the way I feel

[anonymoususerr]

Please no hate ❤️

Partner and I have been together 5 years and have a 4 year old together. I fell pregnant while on birth control so he was a complete surprise and now my biggest blessing.

I had never met my partners child until 4 months ago due to my partners Ex calling all the shots.

We do not live together but my child and I go a few days a week to his and his DD lives with him.
The first time I was at his house while she was there I was very excited to meet her and vice versa but now I feel like she just doesn't like me and I feel like I can't take to her atm but I don't know whether it's because we are still basically strangers (DD is 14).

Now I am naturally a shy person and at times I feel awkward around her as I do when I also meet new people.

I feel there may be some resentment towards me (I could be overthinking it) her parent split when she was 2 but her mother strangely still has feelings for him and I'm not sure if her mother is asking her to be weird towards me.

There has been quite a few times where my partners daughter has not acknowledged me and completely ignored me while speaking to her, she has sometimes been rude and made snarky comments, I catch her sometimes looking at me in disgust and looks so bloody miserable whenever me and my child our round.

There has been times where she tells my child to shut up because she can't hear the tv because he is talking to me. She has told my 4 year old that their dad prefers her because he had her first etc.

There has been a few times where her dad and I will be watching tv lay down together and she makes him move so she can cuddle up to him instead, now there's no issue in that whatsoever but I can't help feeling like she could potentially feel jealous? I don't want to feel like we are taking her dad from her but I just don't know how to approach the situation here as I'd love nothing more in the world than for us all to be together as a family.

What do I do? I haven't mentioned to my partner about how I feel as I could just be overthinking it all and I don't want to come across weird

She won't gradually come round. She will dislike you more and more the more you push.

Would you not prefer to stop being a visitor to your boyfriend and just continue to lone parent your child? It all sounds a bit of a farce, and not in the best interests of either kid.
Your son is already aware of the man treating his kids completely differently.

I can't believe you and your partner have let this ridiculous situation develop for so long. Your joint child is 4 years old, his daughter lives with him full time and you're only just meeting recently? Did she think the stork dropped off a half sibling one day?

The poor kid is 14. Making exam choices, living as a raging pot of hormones, all the 14yo stuff. You are dropping by and canoodling with her dad on the sofa. Of course she is jealous and resentful.

4 year olds are intensely annoying to older children (noisy and erratic like all small children) and she's hardly got a loving sibling relationship with him with such limited contact. So she's not going to cut him the slack she would a little bother who has grown up with and she loves.

It's all a bit of a mess. I feel sorry for both of the children in this less than ideal scenario - you and their father are going to need to do a lot of work to build healthy relationships.

Didn't say she was my step daughter? I came to this page because i didn't know what other page to go to

I'm not pushing love, we are taking things slow x

I'm not against you here op, I'm trying to help you. I am telling you, from experience, that if you continue to go round there when she has made it abundantly clear she hates you doing so, then you are not helping your relationship grow.

and she makes him move so she can cuddle up to him instead,

What's her reaction to her dad showing affection towards his son? If she is ok with that then maybe a calm gentle chat between you her and her dad is the way forward. I think she probably needs reassuring that you are not taking her dad away from her and acknowledge that any worries she has are valid and that you are listening to her.

Both children have already been harmed by this situation.

If she lives with her dad, how has the mum managed to call the shots on her meeting you, and what changed that your boyfriend finally stopped allowing that?

If the DD lives with Dad as sole resident parent, why is the ex making any parenting decisions about who she meets etc? Is the living with Dad recent? If not then someone who isn’t doing their 50/50 part shouldn’t really have any say! Sounds like he’s a typical “path of least resistance” guy who has let his ex dictate to the point that it’s damaging for two children!

youve come to the wrong place for support for step parents. You’ll get about 4% support. Step parents are hated!

firstly the rude behaviour from the daughter you should need to speak to your partner he should be pulling her up on it without your intervention.

what’s done is done in the past and if you want to make it work then yes you do need to speak to your partner and his 14 year old daughter needs to accept life moves on and you are part of her dads life. She doesn’t have to like you, you don’t have to like her but there needs to be respect and politeness from both.

as for the sofa cuddling I’d be fuming. It’s wrong for a step parent to push a kid out but also wrong for a parent to allow a kid to push their partner out. He has two arms. Daughter on the left you on the right. Sends a clear message to you both, you’re both important, you’re both wanted and I have time, love, affection and respect for you both.

get this nipped in the bud ASAP!! Take a look at other posts on her from fucked off step mums due to Disney dads. Set the boundaries clear from the beginning.

his children, both children are important but so are you. Don’t get pushed to the bottom of the pile xx

I’m a bit confused.

So, you have never lived with your DP despite having a four year old child together? Why is that?

How have things changed from DPs older child never meeting you, to her living with DP?

Why didn’t DP just introduce you to his DD in the past five years? It’s all a bit odd.

Her pace is to go back to. It seeing you, love.

You know better than anyone what it’s like to not want someone in your home and feel pushed out. The daughter doesn’t have to accept anyone in her home that she’s not comfortable with.

thanks For that reminder and absolutely yes you’re right. Did I however put up with his kids and his bullshit parenting because we were together? Yes I did. Should his 14 year old daughter put up with the fact her dad is in a relationship and has a child with her.. also yes.

the daughter cannot dictate that her father cannot move on just as OP can’t dictate her partner drops his daughter. The only one being unreasonable and behaving shitty is the daughter not the OP but once again you seem to suggest OP as stepmom should just accept that. Heaven forbid these first borns have boundaries consequences and be held accountable for their behaviour.

for your info though I left my relationship due to the prolonged emotional abuse I was subjected to and his Disney dadding and his ex having too much say in our lives. I’m so much happier without him and his kids. I don’t have to “put up” with anything anymore

Your emotional abuse was being part of a blended family that wasn’t working and wasn’t serving anyone apart from the dad, this would be exactly the same for the daughter and you know as well as I do that in a couple of years time OP will be back here with a new thread asking why she’s being treated so badly.

It’s a situation that is set up to fail. OP moving in will make everyone unhappy. This family is past the point of being able to blend successfully now.

Jesus Christ. I’ve tried to have balanced conversations with you but it’s fucking pointless. He did not abuse me because we were a blended family. He abused me because he is an abuser. He is a gaslighter, manipulator and a narcissist. He also abused his ex wife I’ve since learnt, the mother of his kids - what’s your excuse for his abuse to her because they weren’t a blended family?!

yea maybe she will be back because she desperately trying to be seen and heard or maybe her partner will prioritise her and make her feel secure in their relationship of which they share a child in.

OP moving in will make the daughter unhappy. Pander to it and it will continue or make it clear it’s happening and she can keep her rudeness to herself. Kids leave home, that’s what these Disney dads forget. Partners are supposedly for life.

What does your partner do when his daughter is mean to your DS.

I know you are not doing but just a quick advice
You are not her parent, do not try to parent her, that's up to your boyfriend.

Your job is keeping your DS feeling safe, loved, included etc. This sounds like such a confusing set up.

Has your boyfriend had partners before ?

If his daughter doesn't like you, you shouldn't be forced into her space. She deserve her space at home to be a safe one where she can just be.
It's not her fault her mum and dad split up, she didn't ask for a stranger to arrive who she I made to like.

This place is crazy when it comes to step parenting. It's unbelievable that so many posters really think that a 14 year old should unilaterally decide who gets to live with who. This man has 2 children but doesn't live with one, despite being in a long term relationship with the child's mother, because the 14 year old says so. And some posters are strongly advocating that this should carry on until the 14 year old decides otherwise? Crazy.

But a 14 year shouldn't have people forced upon them.
Adults can have relationships, don't drag kids into that. Yes it's a Shane a second child is now dragged into this, but it doesn't mean the 14 year old has to go along for the ride.

Adults need to start making better decisions.

This isn’t a step parenting issue though. OP lone parents her kid, and calls in to visit her boyfriend who has chosen to fail both of his kids.

OP I’m so surprised that this has gone on for so long. I’m all for taking time introducing children, my DH and I did this, but his daughter should have been introduced to you when you were pregnant and you should have been living together by the time your shared child was born. You should not have to be a single parent, dating the father of your child, just because his DD and his ex don’t like it.

In your position I’d now be having a serious conversation with DP and explaining that you’re not happy for the situation to carry on as it is, so he has until Christmas to gradually get his DD used to you and DS living there full time, and you’ll be increasing your time there in the meantime. Your son should be as much of a priority to your DP as his daughter is, I can’t believe he’s allowing her and his ex to dictate that he lives apart from his young son! To be honest his ex doesn’t have a leg to stand on regarding the situation, their DD lives with him and as such he has the parental responsibility to make those decisions, and it’s important that you point this out to him in case it is him using her as an excuse.

His DD, although a child, is old enough to understand that her brother should be living with his dad too, and that you come as part of that package. You can’t be expected to wait until she decides to move out in 10+ years so that your DS can live with his dad.

Get his DD some therapy if needed to help her get used to the situation.

I understand that you say you both want to be together, so in that case he should be on board with you all living together as a family unit. If he’s not, then you really should consider leaving him because this will be doing damage to your DS.

In terms of his DD being rude to you and impatient with your DS, your DP needs to get this addressed and fast.
Kids don’t like seeing adults (or perhaps it’s just with stepparents) being affectionate, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be allowed to cuddle up with you. My DSD tried this when she was much younger but DH dealt with it (she can have cuddles herself but she can’t be rude about it shoving me out of the way). My DH is definitely a Disney dad, but he doesn’t allow his DD to be rude to me).

His daughter lives with him but his ex is calling the shots? Either I have misunderstood what you wrote or I have some toasted ice cubes to sell you. If she lives with her dad then it's the dad that who is calling the shots and has kept you two apart for this amount of time, it's the dad that hasn't prepared his daughter for having you around and I hear what you are saying about the birth control failing but honestly you guys rushed starting a family together and I bet there's a lot about his past and his relationship with his ex that you weren't told. Personally, I'd step back from spending time there when she is around and go back to the old arrangement.

I’m only going by what you’ve written about your relationship.

If they make the child unhappy, that’s going to impact on everyone. And no, she doesn’t have to keep her feelings to herself. Her home her safe space. Dad should have sorted this bloody mess out years ago and fostered a relationship, not scapegoated the ex for not allowing it.

But the parents made the decision to have a child in this situation. They knew what they were getting into. You can’t put that or the son missing out on the daughter.