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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Aibu for feeling the way I feel

54 replies

anonymoususerr · 29/06/2024 10:57

Please no hate ❤️

Partner and I have been together 5 years and have a 4 year old together. I fell pregnant while on birth control so he was a complete surprise and now my biggest blessing.

I had never met my partners child until 4 months ago due to my partners Ex calling all the shots.

We do not live together but my child and I go a few days a week to his and his DD lives with him.
The first time I was at his house while she was there I was very excited to meet her and vice versa but now I feel like she just doesn't like me and I feel like I can't take to her atm but I don't know whether it's because we are still basically strangers (DD is 14).

Now I am naturally a shy person and at times I feel awkward around her as I do when I also meet new people.

I feel there may be some resentment towards me (I could be overthinking it) her parent split when she was 2 but her mother strangely still has feelings for him and I'm not sure if her mother is asking her to be weird towards me.

There has been quite a few times where my partners daughter has not acknowledged me and completely ignored me while speaking to her, she has sometimes been rude and made snarky comments, I catch her sometimes looking at me in disgust and looks so bloody miserable whenever me and my child our round.

There has been times where she tells my child to shut up because she can't hear the tv because he is talking to me. She has told my 4 year old that their dad prefers her because he had her first etc.

There has been a few times where her dad and I will be watching tv lay down together and she makes him move so she can cuddle up to him instead, now there's no issue in that whatsoever but I can't help feeling like she could potentially feel jealous? I don't want to feel like we are taking her dad from her but I just don't know how to approach the situation here as I'd love nothing more in the world than for us all to be together as a family.

What do I do? I haven't mentioned to my partner about how I feel as I could just be overthinking it all and I don't want to come across weird

OP posts:
ActualChips · 30/06/2024 08:27

Where did I 'put that on the son missing out on the daughter'? 🥴
OP has gone, anyway.

StormingNorman · 30/06/2024 08:28

Thelifeofawife · 29/06/2024 23:01

OP I’m so surprised that this has gone on for so long. I’m all for taking time introducing children, my DH and I did this, but his daughter should have been introduced to you when you were pregnant and you should have been living together by the time your shared child was born. You should not have to be a single parent, dating the father of your child, just because his DD and his ex don’t like it.

In your position I’d now be having a serious conversation with DP and explaining that you’re not happy for the situation to carry on as it is, so he has until Christmas to gradually get his DD used to you and DS living there full time, and you’ll be increasing your time there in the meantime. Your son should be as much of a priority to your DP as his daughter is, I can’t believe he’s allowing her and his ex to dictate that he lives apart from his young son! To be honest his ex doesn’t have a leg to stand on regarding the situation, their DD lives with him and as such he has the parental responsibility to make those decisions, and it’s important that you point this out to him in case it is him using her as an excuse.

His DD, although a child, is old enough to understand that her brother should be living with his dad too, and that you come as part of that package. You can’t be expected to wait until she decides to move out in 10+ years so that your DS can live with his dad.

Get his DD some therapy if needed to help her get used to the situation.

I understand that you say you both want to be together, so in that case he should be on board with you all living together as a family unit. If he’s not, then you really should consider leaving him because this will be doing damage to your DS.

In terms of his DD being rude to you and impatient with your DS, your DP needs to get this addressed and fast.
Kids don’t like seeing adults (or perhaps it’s just with stepparents) being affectionate, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be allowed to cuddle up with you. My DSD tried this when she was much younger but DH dealt with it (she can have cuddles herself but she can’t be rude about it shoving me out of the way). My DH is definitely a Disney dad, but he doesn’t allow his DD to be rude to me).

OP forcing her way into the daughter’s home despite knowing her feelings is only going to make this situation worse. She setting the family up for dysfunction and failure that way. Wait until after dad has brought her round, got her therapy or whatever it takes.

I can see this OP posting over and over if she insists like you suggest. It’s not the daughter’s fault her dad mishandled this situation. For all we know the dad is perfectly happy with it and paying lip service to OP. It is a spectacular fuck up all round.

TinyYellow · 30/06/2024 09:47

You are contradicting yourself OP. You say you want to wait until everyone is comfortable before moving forward and at the same time say there’s no harm in trying it even though it’s clear that everyone is nowhere near comfortable. There is harm in trying for the daughter in this situation, she is only going to be a teenager once and if her Dad imposes a home life that she is unhappy with there are likely to be consequences in her behaviour. If that happens and her school grades drop or she gets herself in trouble then the damege will be done. It’s not like you can move out again and go back as if nothing ever happened.

I would t believe that the ex was calling the shots. More likely the dad just knew that meeting the new girlfriend wasn’t in his daughters best interests and used the ex as an excuse.

Thelifeofawife · 30/06/2024 11:13

StormingNorman · 30/06/2024 08:28

OP forcing her way into the daughter’s home despite knowing her feelings is only going to make this situation worse. She setting the family up for dysfunction and failure that way. Wait until after dad has brought her round, got her therapy or whatever it takes.

I can see this OP posting over and over if she insists like you suggest. It’s not the daughter’s fault her dad mishandled this situation. For all we know the dad is perfectly happy with it and paying lip service to OP. It is a spectacular fuck up all round.

Edited
Show quote history

It’s gone on for so long she’s never going to be “ready”, just like I’m sure she wasn’t ready for her parents to split up and yet that happened.

I haven’t said move in this weekend and to hell with how she feels, I’ve said increase the stays and prepare her for them moving in by Christmas. That gives plenty of time to ease her in and get therapy.

It is messed up already, and prolonging it is only making the situation worse, especially for their son.

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