do i contact him...

[beckybarefoot]

many may have seen my other posts about this situation, but i need some advice.

DSS is an adult, works, has his own house, partner works and they have just had a baby. He has a history of borrowing money from us in the past, always paid back eventually, but its always because they are short at the end of the month and they have a social event booked and need money for drinks.

They have a wedding to attend this weekend, a 2 night affair and we are baby sitting grandson.

They have asked to borrow money, very vague about why, hints about her not getting as much pay as she expected, very vague about how much and have even asked us 'how much can you afford to lend us'... but all they have said is they need it by friday!

So we have asked questions, we are clearly worried.. how bad is their financial situation? are they in arrears with rent, loans etc..

We suspect this is the usual, they have a social event and they have not budgeted properly for it, so they have tapped up dad!

So DSS has now messaged his dad saying that its not fair they WE are making THEM feel bad about asking to borrow money! He has asked his dad to 'allow it this time, and that both sides have dealt with the situation badly!!

Unfortunately hubby is not great with words, and in one reply he basically threw me under the bus, saying its not him asking, its me! (but thats for another thread, i will deal with hubby later).

I have put my foot down.. we will lend them some cash, we do not know if it will or will not cover whatever trouble they are in, but on one condition.. that they don't receive the money until Monday (after this social event).. yes i know, i am being petty but im now very unhappy.

What i want to know is, do i contact DSS myself and explain all of the above? we are worried they might be losing their house, their car, can they afford to feed the baby? any questions and advise have come from love and concern. hubby is worried that if he says no to his boy, then they will stop him seeing his grandson.. this in itself is emotional blackmail... now because of all this, hubby and i are arguing.. and i have no idea where we are at with the relationship with DSS?

i just need advise, and i know its not going to be all good.. but i'm ready for it.

You need to stay out of it as much as possible and if your DH wants to lend his son his own money then it’s not up to you to put conditions on it. That’s just being controlling for the sake of it.

Hubby and I have agreed on £500...we do not know if that's what they need? They hinted at the thousand pound mark but are very vague. This is not a loan this is a gift they do not need to repay BUT it's the last.

I know in the grand scheme it's not a lot of money and if they had come to us and said 'oops we are short we need cash for the wedding' we'd have been happier than all this vagueness

Our money at the moment

They need the money for a swanky weekend away. Your dh is a mug.. But let him be a mug with his own money. Not joint money.

I will add we do have separate bank accounts and both contribute equal shares into a housekeeping account for bills and an equal amount into our joint savings.

We are not rich, we do not have thousands laying around and what we have are tied up in high interest accounts for our retirement..

This isn't about the money... it's about the lies and deceit and the fact that he's blaming us for making him feel bad!

Then any funding for dss should come from dh's bank account. It shouldn't impact or involve you or your finances.

That’s ridiculous op.

His son needs to grow up and your husband needs to stop enabling this entitled, juvenile behaviour from his adult child.

Are there any other issues going on, drugs/alcohol? Any other concerning behaviours?

It’s ur husband’s call if he wants / is able to lose that amount of money. How on Earth attending a wedding costs £1k I have no idea

It isn’t his money he’s using to fund his son, the op has clearly said it is joint money.

OP said they had separate bank accounts…..

But that's not how it's come across in your posts so perhaps there's poor communication across the board.

If you are genuinely concerned about their financial situation, then don't get hung up on being "right". And your dh should take the lead in communication.

You and your dh need to be clear on your own finances and what you deem viable by way of financial support. You say you are worried and want to understand, but what comes across is your desire to criticise.

Fwiw I agree that your dss hasn't been open and upfront in his communication. But you and your dh have been a party to accepting this till now.

None that we are aware of and doubt it

We give loads to our adult kids. It is our pleasure to help them and give some extra funds for holidays and special occasions. We have given big sums to help with deposits and smaller amounts towards things that cheer up their lives.

Ahem sorry but what has this got to do with you?

This is not your money, or your child - Sure have your say on it to your husband but fgs let him give them some money

You are trying to interfere in their relationship and judging the couple for how they run their finances - do you know how hard it is these days financially? Soo hard

Try To focus upon yourself

They need £500 for a wedding! Oh hell no.

I'd be of the opinion that if you can't afford to go to a wedding then you don't go.

The £500 to £1000 could well be to buy others drinks and new outfits for themselves. ie not a priority.

If it's for debt though and it was my kid I'd want to help if they were in a bad financial situation.

I agree... however it seems we are not allowed to ask too many questions about what it's for! I would not see any of my kids struggling due to debt... absolutely not... but I feel we were entitled to ask what it was for! And we've not received any kind of answer just a telling off for making them feel bad for asking to borrow money?

Ahem... OUR money out of OUR savings!

I've had a conversation moving forwards that if his children ask for money then it comes out of his money and not OUR savings.

I have no choice but to pay this money as my husband cannot afford it without using our savings

It’s up to him what he does with his money, but I couldn’t live with someone who pandered to a useless, spoilt child-adult like this.

edit - if it’s your savings, you’re right to put your foot down.

I’d still be off if he is making you the bad guy when his child is useless