do i contact him...

[beckybarefoot]

many may have seen my other posts about this situation, but i need some advice.

DSS is an adult, works, has his own house, partner works and they have just had a baby. He has a history of borrowing money from us in the past, always paid back eventually, but its always because they are short at the end of the month and they have a social event booked and need money for drinks.

They have a wedding to attend this weekend, a 2 night affair and we are baby sitting grandson.

They have asked to borrow money, very vague about why, hints about her not getting as much pay as she expected, very vague about how much and have even asked us 'how much can you afford to lend us'... but all they have said is they need it by friday!

So we have asked questions, we are clearly worried.. how bad is their financial situation? are they in arrears with rent, loans etc..

We suspect this is the usual, they have a social event and they have not budgeted properly for it, so they have tapped up dad!

So DSS has now messaged his dad saying that its not fair they WE are making THEM feel bad about asking to borrow money! He has asked his dad to 'allow it this time, and that both sides have dealt with the situation badly!!

Unfortunately hubby is not great with words, and in one reply he basically threw me under the bus, saying its not him asking, its me! (but thats for another thread, i will deal with hubby later).

I have put my foot down.. we will lend them some cash, we do not know if it will or will not cover whatever trouble they are in, but on one condition.. that they don't receive the money until Monday (after this social event).. yes i know, i am being petty but im now very unhappy.

What i want to know is, do i contact DSS myself and explain all of the above? we are worried they might be losing their house, their car, can they afford to feed the baby? any questions and advise have come from love and concern. hubby is worried that if he says no to his boy, then they will stop him seeing his grandson.. this in itself is emotional blackmail... now because of all this, hubby and i are arguing.. and i have no idea where we are at with the relationship with DSS?

i just need advise, and i know its not going to be all good.. but i'm ready for it.

no its not a bluff its a fact... its been an horrific week here at the house, i've been undermined, i've been thrown under the bus and my views and opinions are not taken into account.

but what it means i have to do i do not know... we will cross that bridge i guess when we get too it.

i've been in his life nearly 12 years now.. i've never been a parent to him as he was an adult when we met. we have had our ups and downs over the years, mainly over lies and untruths and money!

he associates me with being his dads wife, i hold the title of step mum, i have never had a card on my birthday or christmas from him or my DH's other children (he has 4 in total).

i am the one who arranges family social events, i am the one who arranges birthday cards and presents, i am the bascially the GLUE. i am accused of wearing the trousers because i organise things, but then when i don't organise things i am 'that woman'. I will never ever win in whatever it is going on between the step children and their dad.

there's a massive big back story to all of it, which i won't bore you with, but you've picked up resentment i don't doubt. I am a massive 'family' person and if i didn't do it then there wouldn't be one. I'm damned if i do and damned if i don't.

but as many people have pointed out time and time again, not my children so not my responsibility

i agree... he carrys a lot of guilt from their childhood... their mum left, they went into care, he fought tooth and nail to get full custurdy which he did.. he raised 4 kids, 2 (twins) from babies to adulthood on his own. his mum ended her own life, one of his sons ended their own life, one son is using his grandchild as a weapon against him... he's terrified to say no to them because he might lose them. i know this, he knows this, but he has no intentions of doing anything about it... i love him dearly... when he met me, his kids were unhappy that their 'wallet' was closed basically...

I will not discuss the details of why this happened, there was no fault on his part! and this was a very long time before i met him. these people were adults when i met their dad and a lot of this didn't come to light until a few years later.

i was aware there were issues, my DH is a good man, a hard working man and he takes care of me and my children (they are also now adults), what he cannot do is say NO to his own children. He even knows that they use him and abuse him, he simply is terrified of losing another one!

I've suggested counselling.. but he won't have it.

I really don't understand why he is like he is, he is amazing with my own children, he dotes on them, they treat him, i think like any step child would treat a step parent, which is most frustrating..

i really didn't want to do all of this.. i just wanted to know if i should speak with the DSS and the resounding answer is NO, so i won't but i do need to consider what happens moving forwards.

it is possible that something can happen where the mum was at fault, but because of what happened, the children had to be removed until it was proven it was safe for them to be with their parents. i have seen the court papers, i am 100% confident that nothing happened on his part.

there is no way he would have been given full custordy of 3 children at the time if there was any way he was involved in what happened. they have not seen their biological mother from that day to this.

i no MN is well known for man bashing, but you have to remember we are talking about something that happened 30 years ago.. something so serious its affected DH for life.

Split the savings in two keep one half in your bank account one in his he can do as he wishes personally I would start financially separating with a view to actually separating because someone that spineless he cannot even tell his own son the truth would give me the ick

yes i'm aware...

If it's genuinely just they need money to go to this wedding then just say no and they will have to not go!

You said he cannot afford to pay from his own money yet you talk about joint savings

I guess they are mostly his savings? Either way they are still half his savings and he is definitely entitled to spend them as he sees fit.

It is very petty not paying until Monday when you know they need the money for the wedding.

Ive never heard anything like this!

And yes I appreciate you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t but that is a separate issue to this financial quandary

they are OUR savings, a joint effort... they are our savings for our future and i absolutely would not have an issue helping out if any of the children were in financial difficulty... ie behind on the rent, carbeing reposses, arrears in council tax, can't afford nappies etc... what i am not doing is lending my savings to someone who simply didn't budget for a social event.

i suspect my husband has already given them the money, but thats an issue for me to deal with later.

and you maybe have never heard of anything like this before becuase you've never been in this situation!

No, you shouldn't contact SS or discuss finances with him. It's not your place to do that.

You should as many have suggested, insist that any money
he loans or gifts his son is NOT from your joint account.

You do seem petty about when they get the money. Don't be.

Why would you think they are mostly "his" savings

DSS has asked for some of YOUR money so of course you can ask him why he needs it.
I think your DH is enabling him so I would just explain to DH that it's his son and he can lend his money but you prefer to be sensible with yours.
I wouldn't lend my adult children money without knowing what is was for, and I would have the same concerns about debt as you.
If I had decided to gift them £500 I wouldn't ask questions on what they spent it on
In this case your dss asked so you also can ask what for. Tough love.

Sexism, probably. Assumed the man earned all the money because women probably don't have jobs in that poster's world.

Op i think it's time to split your finances in two. He can then do what he wants with his half. I can see why he wants to do whatever he can to make life easier for his children after what they've collectively been through, but he could do that without acting like an arse to you.

Why should she sty out of it when it's likely to be joint funds lending money?

Agree with others @beckybarefoot. Remove your share of the savings (taking into account the amount he is giving his son as from his share) into your own savings account.
He can not then give away your hard earned savings, just his own.