do i contact him...

[beckybarefoot]

many may have seen my other posts about this situation, but i need some advice.

DSS is an adult, works, has his own house, partner works and they have just had a baby. He has a history of borrowing money from us in the past, always paid back eventually, but its always because they are short at the end of the month and they have a social event booked and need money for drinks.

They have a wedding to attend this weekend, a 2 night affair and we are baby sitting grandson.

They have asked to borrow money, very vague about why, hints about her not getting as much pay as she expected, very vague about how much and have even asked us 'how much can you afford to lend us'... but all they have said is they need it by friday!

So we have asked questions, we are clearly worried.. how bad is their financial situation? are they in arrears with rent, loans etc..

We suspect this is the usual, they have a social event and they have not budgeted properly for it, so they have tapped up dad!

So DSS has now messaged his dad saying that its not fair they WE are making THEM feel bad about asking to borrow money! He has asked his dad to 'allow it this time, and that both sides have dealt with the situation badly!!

Unfortunately hubby is not great with words, and in one reply he basically threw me under the bus, saying its not him asking, its me! (but thats for another thread, i will deal with hubby later).

I have put my foot down.. we will lend them some cash, we do not know if it will or will not cover whatever trouble they are in, but on one condition.. that they don't receive the money until Monday (after this social event).. yes i know, i am being petty but im now very unhappy.

What i want to know is, do i contact DSS myself and explain all of the above? we are worried they might be losing their house, their car, can they afford to feed the baby? any questions and advise have come from love and concern. hubby is worried that if he says no to his boy, then they will stop him seeing his grandson.. this in itself is emotional blackmail... now because of all this, hubby and i are arguing.. and i have no idea where we are at with the relationship with DSS?

i just need advise, and i know its not going to be all good.. but i'm ready for it.

As have we! Weddings, new house, babies... birthdays, special occasions...

We do not know if they are in debt as they are being vague!

It’s not hard - if you don’t have £500 for a drinks and a wedding, you don’t go. You don’t ask others to fund you, especially when you refuse to be honest about what you need the money for. Spoilt and grabby.

Yanbu to enquire why they need to spend your joint money.
They are spending beyond their means of they are always borrowing... And entitled fuckers being stroppy with you both about it.

Of course you have a choice. Both men are being absolute pricks. You’ve got literally nothing to gain by lending them your shared money at this point so don’t. They’re already painting you as the baddie and criticising you, fuck them.

@tamaribest ... it's not about the money, I'm asking if I should message the DSS and try explain that we want to help and are trying to help but that involves asking and answering awkward questions. He is upset because we are making him feel bad by asking the questions!

You shouldn’t contact him, no. He’s happy lying to you and it works for him to create more drama between you and his dad. Tell DH you’re not now going to give them a penny and you won’t discuss it further. Just stop the whole daft thing in its tracks.

Yes you have a right to contact him if he’s asking from money that’ll be coming from your joint savings.

might make him stop and think again before asking next time knowing it won’t be soft touch dad just handing it over but their will be hoops to jump through.

You’re also right to not give it to after the wedding.

Dont worry about not seeing grandson as they clearly need you for babysitting to enjoy their jollies.

They clearly don’t need £500 or a £1000 to attend a wedding so they are probably in debt somewhere else too.

Id give them £500 on the basis they tell me why they need it and I wouldn’t give it until Monday because I wouldn’t be happy funding nights out from my savings!
Id also be making it very clear to not ask again under any circumstances.

To be honest he should feel bad for constantly asking to borrow money. Hes a grown man and this isn’t a one off. Im early 30s with a mortgage and 2 kids and Iv never asked to borrow money off my parents and if I did I’d expect to let them know why!

He wants her money, no reason she can’t message him.

I agree and disagree with you. I agree you should ask questions, I disagree it’s not about money.

it is about the money and if it’s not for you.. it should be. Your husband can’t afford to bail his son out and is coming asking you to lend money so he can. Father and son both want to commit to things they can’t afford. I’d not give your half if you’re not entitled to defend yourself when your husband has thrown you under the bus and ss is asking BOTH of you for money.

all this bullshit his kid he can decide. He cannot decide on your money without your input! You have built a life together and tbf if you take the advice his kid his money if your own your house make sure your money is yours after all, not your kid.

fucks me right off how step parents are only good enough when it suits.

I recommend stepping away. But if you detatch, is there any chance that your DH will gradually empty your joint savings account and give it all to his son without you knowing?

if so, I’d make changes to prevent that. Your DH sounds like a candidate for financial abuse from his son and as others have said, he needs to stop being a doormat to a rude manchild.

Tell your DH they are being vague because it's likely he won't approve if it.

So that's not good.

Perhaps DH could pay off a bill or something rather than give cash they can spend on crap like wedding guest outfits..

Update... after a few days of arguing with DH.. I can't stop him giving this money, it's going to happen if I like it or not!

I've told DH not asked told moving forwards if he wants to loan his kids money for all their silly reasons, then he can BUT it's not out of our joint savings! And I've asked for and been given access too the savings accounts so I can see what's coming and going (previously I've just trusted him).

I love my DH dearly but this whole episode has hurt me. It's not relationship breaking but I do feel if I don't take action soon it might very well be moving forwards.

I hate being a step parent! It's unfair... I treat all our children equally but sadly he treats his different to mine! I don't know the solution but hey ho

OP, your husband has form for this.
You are not a team. He doesn't see you as a team unless it suits HIM.
He will continue to do EXACTLY as he pleases as he expects you to suck it up.
His son sees his mug father and you, as an ATM.
Your husband is a weak spineless man that threw his wife under a bus when extremely reasonable questions were asked.
This is your life until you choose otherwise.
By blaming you and telling you it's happening he has 100% broken your trust.
My money would be moved to my own account.
Your husband is not to be trusted, don't become collateral damage in his need to buy his child's affection.

I'm not sure this will be enough, OP. I'd move your half of the savings to an account just in your name. Make it clear you won't subsidise your DH when his half is drained away by his son.

i really do hope that it is enough because i cannot bear what happens if its not! but i am determined to stay strong now.

i won't message the DSS, but as he's coming over tomorrow with his partner to drop off the baby, and he will remain at our house on friday night (his partner is a bridesmaid so shes staying the night before the wedding) and his dad is leaving for work as he's on nights, the DSS had best not think he's going to be waited on hand and foot, and that nana is going to take charge of the baby so he can have a break and if he choses to bring up the topic of money, then i won't be holding back!

Good for you. Just protect your money!

im actually being very petty with DH now, and reminding him that the agreement is they get the money on Monday! and making it also very clear that if that money leaves our account any sooner, then we have a problem.

i know its petty.. but its all i can do

i have no issue with DSS...