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Step-parenting

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Original poster

How would you feel?

57 replies

Jemski39 · 23/06/2024 12:51

Hi, I'd really like to know how other people would feel in this situation. I have been with my partner for a few years. We both have children from previous relationships and we all get on well. We don't currently live together but plan to in the future. We both have good co-parenting relationships with our ex partners, which is obviously really good for the kids. My issue is that for his sons upcoming birthday he has agreed to go to a theme park for the day with his ex and the children and stay the night before in a hotel, in a family room! I have no problem with the day trip to the theme park, it's the hotel and staying in the same room that's really bothered me. I don't think there is anything going on between them but I find it really disrespectful to our relationship that he's doing this. He had a real issue saying no to anything his ex suggests/asks, which at times cause problems for us. He didn't discuss this with me before agreeing, which has also really upset me. He obviously doesn't have to ask my permission, but I would have a appreciated a conversation. He can't handle any sort of conflict so tends to just go along with things and I'm really struggling with this. How would other people feel if they were in my situation?

OP posts:
LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 23/06/2024 12:53

I don't think staying in the same room as his ex is appropriate and might be confusing for his children.

Babyghirl · 23/06/2024 13:35

Sorry op but that would be a strong not happening from me, that is so disrespectful on your relationship, how would he feel if you where to stay in a room with your ex.

Original poster
Jemski39 · 23/06/2024 13:42

Thank you both for replying. He says he doesn't see it as a big deal as there's nothing between them anymore. But for me it feels massive and I'm really hurt. I don't think he would be comfortable with me staying in a room with my ex, but then I would never do it, so it would never be an issue for him. I did say to him that I thought it would be confusing for the boys, they're 10 and almost 8. I don't know if this is a deal breaker for me tbh.

OP posts:
NachoCheesed · 23/06/2024 13:44

This would be a massive dealbreaker for me and also my partner if I did this with my ex-husband

Arewealljustloosingtheplot · 23/06/2024 13:48

Agree , no way should they be sharing a room. It’s a firm no from me.

Mischance · 23/06/2024 13:53

Well they are not going to have a night of passion with the children in the same room. And there is no reason why a child should not sleep with an adult in the double bed, and one adult in a single bed.

EG94 · 23/06/2024 14:17

For me would be simple, by all means go but I won’t be here when you get back. It is literally her or you. And for the ones that may come out with oh the poor kids shouldn’t miss out. They don’t have to miss out but he does not have to stay over. He can come morning of and tbh if he said he found alternative accommodation I wouldn’t trust him. He thinks it’s ok to share a room with a woman he impregnated twice!!

absolutely fucking not!

Original poster
Jemski39 · 23/06/2024 14:20

It's not about them having a night of passion, I trust him. And they won't be sharing a bed. It's the principle. He's in a relationship with me and I don't feel comfortable with him doing it. I also think it's unfair on the kids

OP posts:
Pantaloons99 · 23/06/2024 14:24

This doesn't sound right. Even though it could be totally innocent it's a massive boundary overstep. I don't think it'd fair on the children either.

Original poster
Jemski39 · 23/06/2024 14:24

Thank you @EG94 this is more or less what said to him when I told him my thoughts on his plans. The kids won't miss out at all by him not staying overnight, they will still have a nice day out. I need to talk to him. I didn't know if it was me being unreasonable. But it seems a lot of people wouldn't be happy with this either.

OP posts:
Prettypengu · 23/06/2024 14:25

I’d leave him over it. It’s disrespectful to your relationship.
crack on and go to a theme park but you get your own room when staying in the hotel.
Family rooms are small and they will all be walking around half dressed in pjs and having showers. It’s inappropriate and it sets the tone for any future trips.
Id be saying he needs to book a separate room.
Where is the boundary ? Is it ok to share a bed too as it’s not like that anymore between them?

MILTOBE · 23/06/2024 14:27

I wouldn't be interested in a man who couldn't handle any kind of conflict, to the extent he has to share a bedroom with his ex to avoid an argument.

Why on earth would she want to do that, either?

AuntMarch · 23/06/2024 14:42

I don't think I'd care, separate beds and kids there, nothing to get upset over for me.

BUT he should know you well enough to know that you would care. Either he doesn't know you well enough, or he doesn't care that you'd have a problem with it. That's where the issue lies.

Original poster
Jemski39 · 23/06/2024 14:44

There doesn't appear to be any boundaries! He left her 6 years ago and their relationship break-up was very messy to begin with. He still has a lot of guilt around not living in the same house as his children. And I think she knows this and uses it to her advantage. I don't know that she actually wants to do overnight things with him but I think she knows I wouldn't be happy with it. Sometimes I feel like she's testing him. It took a long time for me to meet his boys, which I was mostly okay with as no need to rush these things, but a big part of that was because he was scared to tell her, despite her knowing about our relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jemski39 · 23/06/2024 14:46

@AuntMarch He knows me very well, and absolutely knows that it would leave me feeling like this. So maybe you're right, and my feelings aren't important to him

OP posts:
MeridianB · 23/06/2024 18:59

Sorry OP but I think this is a deal-breaker on several levels.

I agree it’s inappropriate and unnecessary and the fact he agreed to it without considering the implications and your feelings speaks volumes. As others have said, it’s about boundaries - and precedent.

His children are not tiny tots who need a lot of reassurance or care. They are easily old enough for this to be confusing and plain weird.

Aside from that, it’s clear that he is going to be a doormat to his ex for at least another ten years. And that would be a deciding factor in this. I’d be off.

JuneShowers24 · 23/06/2024 19:06

Tell him you have similar plans for a weekend away with your kids and ex. I bet he isn’t so obliging then.

steelingmyself · 23/06/2024 19:32

It's a firm no from me

Thursdaygirl · 23/06/2024 20:34

steelingmyself · 23/06/2024 19:32

It's a firm no from me

And a firm no from me too

Prettypengu · 23/06/2024 22:52

Thursdaygirl · 23/06/2024 20:34

And a firm no from me too

Show quote history

Another firm no here too.

7175McGee · 23/06/2024 23:00

Yeah fuck that. If my DH spent the night in a hotel room with his ex against my wishes, he'd be gone.

socks1107 · 23/06/2024 23:04

Be a no from me too

HebburnPokemon · 24/06/2024 07:51

LTB. Hard no from me.

Purpleday1 · 24/06/2024 16:16

OP, why would you be even vaguely contemplating blending your poor children with a man who doesn't consider or respect you at all?
He has had zero boundaries for years.
His ex and keeping her happy is his priority and yet you are seriously thinking of dragging your children into a shared space with him?
Why?
Why would you be so cavalier with your childrens home and security.
Stop thinking of him and start thinking of your children.
You ALL deserve better that blending families with a weak man who suits himself.

Namerequired · 24/06/2024 18:34

Hell no!! That would be bye from me.