How would you feel?

[Jemski39]

Hi, I'd really like to know how other people would feel in this situation. I have been with my partner for a few years. We both have children from previous relationships and we all get on well. We don't currently live together but plan to in the future. We both have good co-parenting relationships with our ex partners, which is obviously really good for the kids. My issue is that for his sons upcoming birthday he has agreed to go to a theme park for the day with his ex and the children and stay the night before in a hotel, in a family room! I have no problem with the day trip to the theme park, it's the hotel and staying in the same room that's really bothered me. I don't think there is anything going on between them but I find it really disrespectful to our relationship that he's doing this. He had a real issue saying no to anything his ex suggests/asks, which at times cause problems for us. He didn't discuss this with me before agreeing, which has also really upset me. He obviously doesn't have to ask my permission, but I would have a appreciated a conversation. He can't handle any sort of conflict so tends to just go along with things and I'm really struggling with this. How would other people feel if they were in my situation?

Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply. @Purpleday1 unfortunately I think you are right and have hit the nail on the head. I think this has to it. I'm gutted because I love him, but I need and deserve someone with more of a backbone and also someone that cares about my feelings.

This. I think it's really really unfair on the children

I get on really well with my ex, we speak about our child child daily.

This is weird behaviour and would be a deal breaker.

Yuck! Talk about “no boundaries!” Definite NO.

You have to wonder about some of these men, when they divorce. Staying friendly with your Ex is one thing, but this is like some teen fantasy of bigamy, or having multiple women, having two families that the man can switch between at will (“for the sake of the children.”) Maybe it feels macho and enviable? “Yeah I have a steady girlfriend, but I still get together with my Ex and kids as a family whenever I feel like it, we even go on vacations and stuff together, my new woman doesn’t seem to mind. I’ve got it made!”

it boggles the mind.

This. It's been decided now

Absolutely inappropriate. Massively disrespectful to you and your relationship with him and actually its only going to be confusing for the kids.

My ex used to plan stuff like that literally as a power trip. "If you want to do this for your child then you'll do it with me." "I thought it would be important for tou to be there for this." Took a while for me to grow a backbone and did involve me giving up some things for the overall benefit of DS. And becuase I respect my DP far too much to allow my ex to disrespect him and our relationship.

He can go for the day trip part or just do his own thing with DS and let her do this. Its not a hardship.

Why are you putting the blame on his ex? He’s agreed to it

Can you imagine the reaction of wedding guests to his ex being there?
Not many would say "ah isn't that lovely that they are still great friends"....far more likely they would be raising their eyebrows at each other and silently pitying the poor bride that would tolerate such disregard for her.

Likely also to be taking bets among themselves!
OP, you desperately need to realise you deserve so much better than this.

@DaughterNo2 I'm not putting all the blame on his ex, I'm aware that he is responsible for his own choices. But I am also aware that she doesn't like the fact he is with me. She made it very difficult for me to meet his children, and the fact that she tells him it's important that they still do things like this for the children because he doesn't live in the same house as them all the time! It's a guilt trip and its manipulative. And he's also an idiot for not standing up for himself and wanting better boundaries for the sake of his children.

I didn't see how old the kids were but if they are very young I would say it is good for them to experience days out with both their parents present getting along. Not stay in the same hotel room but do things together every so often. Also I often see the ex being accused of making these dads feel guilty. In my experience you only ever feel guilty when you know you have done something wrong. No one has ever made me feel guilty about something when I know I'm in the right. Perhaps that's just me but I feel it's abit too easy to say it's the ex making him feel guilty. Maybe he has some actual reason to feel guilty? Or maybe he's not an 'idiot' maybe there's a part of him that wants to do this and he's the one being manipulative to cover it up. I'm just playing devils advocate here to offer an alternative opinion.

It's easy to say when it's not my relationship, but I'm not sure there's any coming back from this really. The fact that he is willing to share a hotel room with her implies a level of intimacy (and that doesn't necessarily mean romantic intimacy) that is not appropriate when they are co-parents and he is in a relationship with you. There are very, very few people I would feel comfortable sharing a hotel room with. There's got to be quite a deep level of comfort and familiarity in the relationship to do that, IMO. So whether or not he goes through with this plan and regardless of whether there are any romantic feelings or not, it just seems like he is weirdly still enmeshed with her.

@sunflowrsngunpowdr the boys are 10 and nearly 8, I absolutely agree that days out for special occasions are a positive thing for them, I have no issue with this. It's the hotel overnight that makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm only going on the messages she sends to him in regards to the guilt etc. But yes, it could be him too. His guilt comes from leaving her because he wasn't happy in the relationship. He loves his children and wants to spend as much time with them as possible and has them around 50/50 on the most. His time with them is often given by her and he just goes along with it. He has depression, which I think impacts a lot. He started CBT last year, which was really positive but sadly he hasn't continued with it, which really has an impact on him and me. I do as much as I feel I can to support him but it's usually at the detriment of myself.

I get on well with my ex. We go on holiday together with the children. Neither of us have new partners.

i wouldn’t want to share a room with him! I think it crosses a boundary and he should definitely respect your feelings on the matter.

Would you be ok with it if they had separate rooms?

He obviously doesn't have a problem, not only handling, but causing, conflict with you!

@WaitingForMojo yes I think I would feel more comfortable with separate rooms, the same room just feels so personal. Tbh, the fact that he decided what he was doing, without having a conversation with me first is what's really hurt me. Not because he has to ask permission but because it would have been the right and respectful thing to do. So much more has happened historically with his ex, I don't actually have the headspace or will to share it all. But this feels like the icing on the cake for me, and it's hard to accept.

I definitely don’t think you’re in the wrong here, it shows a lack of respect for you as his partner.

I have an unconventional relationship with my ex in that we do a lot of ‘family’ stuff together. However, if he did get a new partner I’d be respectful of their relationship and aware that things might change according to what they felt comfortable with. I’m very confident that he would respect it if I had a partner too.

OP yes this really should be the icing on the cake. It’s not about his ex. It’s not about this trip. It’s about what this one action tells you about the kind of person he is, the kind of dynamic he either accepts or positively encourages with his ex, and the level of respect and care he feels for you. All of this is fundamental to your happiness and how healthy this relationship is. And all of it falls massively short.

It wouldn’t actually make any difference if he ‘listened’ and changed his plans. The problem is that he would even for one second think this was ok, and he does, and so that has to be that. The kind of man who would be ok with this is not good enough. The kind of relationship between exes where this is ok when one is in a new relationship is actively toxic.

It doesn’t matter if these plans got changed, the fact that they were made tells you everything about the man. He does not have your back. Never stay with someone who does not have your back.

The man you need to make a blended family relationship not just survive, but flourish, is the kind of man who would never even contemplate this. Out of respect and love for his partner, out of responsible parenting for his kids who would not benefit at all from the mixed messages this would send, and out of sheer personal feeling towards the ex that he would not want to.

So yes if you want to have a happy future, leave him now.

You deserve so much better. It’s all been said already but he’s absolutely pathetic and he’s demonstrating as clearly as he can that he cares more about her feelings than yours. There are a million red flags in how you describe the dynamic and you’re making an awful lot of excuses for a man who’s treating you with such contempt.

Please get out of this mess. I am a step mum. I have a step mum. I know plenty of step mums. This man is not a good prospect and you’ve wasted enough time already.

Absolutely not

Your update is interesting. The fact he’s stopped the therapy that was beneficial to him and to your relationship is very tricky. You can’t force depressed people to get help. And this is something (else) that will make this relationship harder. But you were prepared to do it anyway. And then this is how he treats you?

You deserve so much better. Taking on a blended family is never easy, but adding toxic dynamics, poor judgement, no boundaries and lack of respect is a recipe for ongoing misery.

I wish you so much happiness in the future, OP. I think you will feel huge relief once the initial pain of the split has passed.

Thank you for your kind words @MeridianB . I know what I need to do, I just have to get the courage to do it. It feels harder to end things knowing that he is depressed. We split up for a couple of months last year, and this is when he sought help for his MH. He came back promising that things would change and he seemed to recognise how poorly he had been treating me. And he was better, and he was doing everything he said he would. And then it began to go downhill after he stopped the CBT. I love him very much but my soul feels pretty destroyed tbh. We work together so I will still have to see him, which will make it harder for me.

OP I echo what others have said, he is being unreasonable. His lack of boundaries will only get worse, trust me.

I do wonder, given that you’ve been together for a few years, why you and your children aren’t going with them? You and your DP share a room, then spend the next day at the theme park all together.
It’s like he’s expected to act single just to play happy families with the person he left. He should be standing up for your relationship and showing his children that you’re part of his family.

My ex and I did things like that when we were both single, as did my DH and his ex, but not since we got into new relationships.

@Thelifeofawife she won't have me there, I have never met her and I can't see that changing. When he told her about me, she said she didn't want to know anything. And again, the same when I met his children. No idea if she would be different if she had a partner but she doesn't so, this is how she is. Even if it were an option, I wouldn't have gone as my children are in secondary school and I wouldn't want them to miss lessons etc. They're going midweek on his sons actual birthday.
I agree he should be putting boundaries in place but he only seems to have the capacity to do this when he is seeking help for his mental health. He is like this in all areas of life, hates confrontation etc. although he seems to be able to cope with it when it comes to me 🙄