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Original poster

How would you feel?

57 replies

Jemski39 · 23/06/2024 12:51

Hi, I'd really like to know how other people would feel in this situation. I have been with my partner for a few years. We both have children from previous relationships and we all get on well. We don't currently live together but plan to in the future. We both have good co-parenting relationships with our ex partners, which is obviously really good for the kids. My issue is that for his sons upcoming birthday he has agreed to go to a theme park for the day with his ex and the children and stay the night before in a hotel, in a family room! I have no problem with the day trip to the theme park, it's the hotel and staying in the same room that's really bothered me. I don't think there is anything going on between them but I find it really disrespectful to our relationship that he's doing this. He had a real issue saying no to anything his ex suggests/asks, which at times cause problems for us. He didn't discuss this with me before agreeing, which has also really upset me. He obviously doesn't have to ask my permission, but I would have a appreciated a conversation. He can't handle any sort of conflict so tends to just go along with things and I'm really struggling with this. How would other people feel if they were in my situation?

OP posts:
TheCultureHusks · 27/06/2024 13:13

Jemski39 · 27/06/2024 12:31

@Thelifeofawife she won't have me there, I have never met her and I can't see that changing. When he told her about me, she said she didn't want to know anything. And again, the same when I met his children. No idea if she would be different if she had a partner but she doesn't so, this is how she is. Even if it were an option, I wouldn't have gone as my children are in secondary school and I wouldn't want them to miss lessons etc. They're going midweek on his sons actual birthday.
I agree he should be putting boundaries in place but he only seems to have the capacity to do this when he is seeking help for his mental health. He is like this in all areas of life, hates confrontation etc. although he seems to be able to cope with it when it comes to me 🙄

Yes isn’t that funny, he can say no to you, you have to abide by the ex-wife rules that he’s apparently hiding behind because he can’t do confrontation.

But if you (supposedly his actual partner) say no and we’re to try and impose YOUR rules - I would like some respect and to be involved in this - oh suddenly he can handle confrontation and tell you to suck it up.

And also… he could handle confrontation enough to finish the actual relationship with his ex. But now he has to toe her line because he’s so weak and helpless?

No. Wise up - this man does what works for him and what he wants, and is happy to confront to get his way. And to lie to you and act helpless if that’s easier. He WANTS to share the room, he’s fine with that. Time for him to go.

Thursdaygirl · 27/06/2024 13:20

Yes isn’t that funny, he can say no to you, you have to abide by the ex-wife rules that he’s apparently hiding behind because he can’t do confrontation.

That’s exact what I thought …..

But it’s all too common for a divorced man to inexplicably be more keen to keep his ex-wife happy, rather than the new wife

MeridianB · 27/06/2024 15:17

Sadly, I agree with @TheCultureHusks He is making choices here. And 'showing you who he is'.

Also odd to take two children out of school for a birthday treat.

Original poster
Jemski39 · 27/06/2024 19:54

Thank you all for replying, I appreciate you all taking the time to respond. Despite it being a difficult read at times, which is mostly down to the realisation that you're not being treated well or with respect by the person who's meant to have your back. I do see him for the person he's showing himself to be, it's just hard because there is a part of me that wants to hold on to the person he has been. It's hard , but such as life. I know what I need to do, it's just taken a while to get here.

OP posts:
Purpleday1 · 27/06/2024 23:08

Your best chance of meeting a really good person is by not hanging on to one that isn't.
It's hard, but there is no way round it.
He simply isn't good enough for you.

Rhaidimiddim · 27/06/2024 23:16

MILTOBE · 23/06/2024 14:27

I wouldn't be interested in a man who couldn't handle any kind of conflict, to the extent he has to share a bedroom with his ex to avoid an argument.

Why on earth would she want to do that, either?

You hit the nail on the head.

And either the ex has porous boundaries, which is a future minefield, or she is flexing her power to mess with her ex and his new partner.

Thelifeofawife · 28/06/2024 01:06

Jemski39 · 27/06/2024 12:31

@Thelifeofawife she won't have me there, I have never met her and I can't see that changing. When he told her about me, she said she didn't want to know anything. And again, the same when I met his children. No idea if she would be different if she had a partner but she doesn't so, this is how she is. Even if it were an option, I wouldn't have gone as my children are in secondary school and I wouldn't want them to miss lessons etc. They're going midweek on his sons actual birthday.
I agree he should be putting boundaries in place but he only seems to have the capacity to do this when he is seeking help for his mental health. He is like this in all areas of life, hates confrontation etc. although he seems to be able to cope with it when it comes to me 🙄

I feel your pain, my DH can be like this and it’s like a dripping tap of frustration. That’s why I would strongly advise that if your DP can’t establish boundaries now and protect your relationship then you should seriously consider your position, because you have your kids too and they will be affected, it causes so much disruption.

Your DP should be telling his ex that if you’re not welcome to attend then he won’t be either (certainly not for the overnight part anyway). You are his partner and the kids need to see you as part of the family, not sometimes you and their dad, sometimes their mum and dad; it must be very confusing for them.

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