Issues with Step Children

[alwealfptphp2022]

Hello.

I have a 13 year old (biological) daughter and 3 step children living at home. I have been dating my boyfriend for several years. He has 5 children total (2 are grown). The 3 living at home are 10 year old triplets.

I have been having a struggle with all 3 of my boyfriends kids that live at home. Each is a different struggle depending on the kids. Their biological mom trumps me on everything even when they are at our house. For example, if I tell the girls to do something that she does not want to do (clean her room, pick up after herself, put on a bra, etc.) she calls her mom and her mom says that she does not have to listen to me. This is the major issue that I am having.

The issue with the 2nd girl is that she is so jealous of everything to do with me. She gets so upset and pitches a fit when I try to do anything with her sisters or my biological daughter.

I have talked to my boyfriend about it at lengths. He does support me and get on to them. However, when this happens he is at work and they listen to their biological mother more than him.

In fact, the bio mom has told the kids a lot of things that they have not needed to know. Most recently, she told them that my boyfriend (their dad) would try to kill them.

Please help. I have no idea how to deal with this.

^^This

It must be awful for your dd to witness this situation. Take back some control and tell your partner “No”. Your dd needs you to stick up for what is best for her.

Always the same answer. What are you teaching her by placing your boyfriends childcare needs before anything else? Do you actually change your work hours/place to suit him?
Yeah, I would stop that. If he isn't there then he can't do 50/50. This is only going to get worse. Not a chance I would put a bloke amd his kids before my own.

I am married with one child, no step child issues. My job is a bit more flexible than my husbands but equally important, if not more so, to the household finances. Even in this relatively simple situation, I’m shocked at how often my very conscientious, involved husband will not think about logistics for our kid that cut into work hours, presuming that I will do them or simply not thinking about them, unintentionally or intentionally.

Your more complicated situation sounds exploitative. So often I read on here about men who want a partner, seemingly, to make their own childcare and household duties lighter. I think you need to leave. This is a massive transfer of your resources away from your own daughter onto people who. quite frankly, are treating you like dirt.

Tell him your work is now saying that you can’t WFH anymore and leave the house every day (you can rent cheap office space). DP can get a childminder or wraparound care. Disengage with the DSD’s, don’t tell them what to wear, leave their mess for their dad to clean up, don’t nag them but also don’t indulge them. Be very calm but disengaged if they are rude to you and leave the situation so that they don’t get a rise out of you. Leave any discipline to your DP.

Are they all a similar weight? That’s about 13 stone which is concerning at 10 years old.

Your boyfriend sounds as if he is taking advantage of you. It’s lovely you all get along (mostly) but demanding you do more WFH so you can be a surrogate mum is selfish to you and the children.

I was quite concerned by this:

In fact, the bio mom has told the kids a lot of things that they have not needed to know. Most recently, she told them that my boyfriend (their dad) would try to kill them.

This paints a worrying picture of your BF when combined with how he treats you. Do you have any cause for concern about controlling or abusive behaviours?

Yup, move out.

Was it a type that the child is 180lbs at 10 years old?

*typo

You sound lovely op. But you are being thoroughly used by your boyfriend. I am sorry you didn't spot this. He is just using you to get free childcare so that he can get 50/50 and doesn't have to financially contribute child maintenance. Leave him, or if it's your house, he leaves.

I am very clear that I would never be a stepmother. Let alone of tree. Hopefully your boyfriend is not using you. I will start being very firm and putting boundaries from right now.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

They need to move out op, for ALL your sakes. This isn't working. And that's fine. But you need to put your poor dd first as well as yourself. This is NEVER. GOING. TO. CHANGE.

Time to tell your lazy boyfriend that he needs to parent his own children. And mean it - go back to the office. Better still, move out, for your sake and for your children.