Issues with Step Children

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Hello.

I have a 13 year old (biological) daughter and 3 step children living at home. I have been dating my boyfriend for several years. He has 5 children total (2 are grown). The 3 living at home are 10 year old triplets.

I have been having a struggle with all 3 of my boyfriends kids that live at home. Each is a different struggle depending on the kids. Their biological mom trumps me on everything even when they are at our house. For example, if I tell the girls to do something that she does not want to do (clean her room, pick up after herself, put on a bra, etc.) she calls her mom and her mom says that she does not have to listen to me. This is the major issue that I am having.

The issue with the 2nd girl is that she is so jealous of everything to do with me. She gets so upset and pitches a fit when I try to do anything with her sisters or my biological daughter.

I have talked to my boyfriend about it at lengths. He does support me and get on to them. However, when this happens he is at work and they listen to their biological mother more than him.

In fact, the bio mom has told the kids a lot of things that they have not needed to know. Most recently, she told them that my boyfriend (their dad) would try to kill them.

Please help. I have no idea how to deal with this.

simple, your house, your rules if they don’t like it tell them to go to their mums and tell your bf you will no longer be belittled ignored and disrespected in your home. It’s stops or they don’t come

Stop acting as unappreciated childcare

If the children don't treat you with the respect they would treat either their parents, or a childcare provider and more to the point the parents don't treat you with the respect they would a childcare provider stop providing childcare

I have thought about that but they do not have a good home life at their moms. It breaks my heart.

OMG, this is only going to get worse. They are a pack, they are working as a 3.

Get yourself and your DD out of there.

I have spoke to my counselor many times about feeling like I am just being kept around for childcare.

My boyfriend and I actually got into an arguement not to long ago about me Working from home all the time to watch his kids. He has 50/50 with bio mom. I get that my job is more leniant so I can WFH more than he can but I'm not working from home specifically to watch his kids during the day especially if it makes me miss out on the time with my daughter.

They’re not your children they’re not your problem. You are affording them care and affection and being treated like shit. It is their father’s place to be concerned about their life with the their mum and if he isn’t actively putting a stop to it, don’t let it haunt you.

Get yourself and your DD out of there.

That’a spot on, I’m afraid…..

Why are you asking her to put on a bra? That is really not your business. Obviously asking her to do housework ect is more than reasonable.

One of the girls is an angel as much as a 10 year old could be. It's mainly the youngest of the triplets and coming in 2nd is the oldest. The youngest (the fraternal one of the 3) is plain awful when their dad isn't home. But of course when he is home, she doesn't misbehave at all.

Because it is very noticeable when she is not wearing one. She is 180 lbs at 10 years old. I'm fine with her not wearing one around the house but I expect her to put one on when we leave the house. Just as I expect my daughter to put one one when leaving.

It's still none of your business. You can tell her it's noticeable but you absolutely cannot dictate that she must wear a bra. Her body, her choice.

I feel sorry for your own daughter.
What are her thoughts on the situation you have inflicted on her?

I'm sorry but I'd probably move out. Are your finances separate? If not you need to get another account and start paying as much into that as you can until you're ready to leave. Unless it's your house or you jointly own it then it's more complicated

I have been told that before so I guess I need to listen to the advise and move on. I see that he tries to put a stop to it but they let their mom's rules over rule what he or I say.

Yes our finances are completely seperate.

She is very close to the girls.

Yep time to detach but make it clear this disrespect is to end or they are not welcome. I hope it is only your home? I had similar issues and before we split and he wanted to move out he thought he could move out and let his kids stay here EOW. I said no thanks. You get your place and you have your kids in your home. I was frequently reminded they weren’t mine so I mentally and emotionally stepped back from them.

So your boyfriend is a useless cocklodger who is using you as free childcare, and your own daughter and your work suffer as a result.

Sorry - what was your question?

Seriously, give your head a wobble and get rid.

It's up to her if she wears a bra!!!

My best advice to you would be to get them all out of your house and let your boyfriend deal with his own kids. He's treating you like unpaid help. None of this is your problem.

If they're disrespecting you in your home then the rule is that they are only there when your boyfriend is. Simple.

Keep repeating "not my circus, not my monkeys" and tell your boyfriend to sort his own feral kids and bullying ex out on his own time.

As others have said, if they don’t respect your rules, and their mum tells them they don’t need to listen to you, then they can’t be there unless their dad is around to look after them.
I was all for helping out with my SD in the beginning, but when her mum was causing issues and I didn’t get a say in anything I stepped back, now she is only here when DH is. It has impacted them over the years when childcare was needed but that’s the price they paid for how I was treated.

You are not a childminder, and should put your foot down. But if you want to continue to look after them, I would suggest targeting the well behaved one, giving her lots of praise and reward for good behaviour and see if the others follow her example

I can’t believe some men. He’s got triplets, and he’s roped you into looking after them, even suggesting you WFH.

Your priority is your DD. I certainly wouldn’t be spending an ounce of energy on anyone else.

Sorry... she's 180lb at 10 years old? Has your partner taken her to see a doctor?

This. The audacity is astounding.

But so is your acceptance of this OP.

If you had no kids of your own I would say you were being foolish.

But the fact you have a daughter means you're also being irresponsible.

And on top of this relationship and his children sapping your energy due to the dynamics at play, you're also teaching her that it's a man's job to call the shots and a woman's job to do whatever makes a man's life easier. Even childcare for children that aren't hers.

It's madness and such bad relationship modelling for your daughter, who thinks this is how men and women should be.