Stepson issue

[Sky1248]

I’ve been with my partner for 7 years and met him when his little boy was 1.

hes always been a little tricky in the sense he never really wanted to come to me, always wanted daddy which I used to get irritated with but now looking back I understand he was just a baby.

he is now 8 years old and I feel awful saying it bt I just cannot stand him. He is rude, spoilt and makes it obvious he doesn’t want to be at our house. We have him in the week for tea and every other weekend Friday to Sunday. Sunday tea time he literally runs out the door, it’s almost like it’s a chore our weekends and something he just has to do.

his mum tries to be so heavily involved in our life. My husband will FaceTime his son and she sits beside him trying to join in. My stepson has a mobile phone and she won’t let my husband FaceTime off it, it has to be through her phone.

when he is with us I treat him the same as our 3 year old and 1 year old, they are all equal but when he isn’t there for example 1st December I wrote a letter to my children from the ‘cheeky elf’s’ but because I didn’t include my stepsons name my husband was annoyed. I bought him pjs from the elf’s but was going to give them to him when he came round.

my husband is very forceful and keeps trying to make me go above and beyond for his son and to ‘love’ him like I do my own but unfortunately I don’t feel that way. He makes it very known he doesn’t want me to be in anyway shape or form his mum which I fully acvept, I just care for him when he’s with us but when my husband wants him extra I start feeling depressed and dreading it.

me and my husband have currently split up for 3 weeks now as his son bothers me so much and all we do is argue about him and I know it sounds selfish but it’s making me so miserable I’d rather split with my husband so I don’t have to be around my stepson.

i know how awful it sounds and I am constantly beating myself up by the way I feel, I have tried to squash those feelings and really try but it ends up going back round in a circle again and i can’t help my feelings.

my husband is saying we should try again and I just need to accept him but I just don’t know if I can. I feel life’s to short to be unhappy for another person and this is my life.

any one with a similar story or advice would be great

Your problem is your DH not his son. Your DH expects you to do all the crappy parenting stuff for his son while he has fun. And he clearly doesn't treat all of his DC equally if he is off having fun with his eldest while you and another child are ill.

Agree with @LadyDanburysHat - the little boy’s dad is the problem. If you can’t bring yourself to like him (and I’m not convinced he doesn’t at least have an inkling) you should probably stay broken up for his sake.

You're misquoting. OP says "selfish on my son's part" which is obviously by mistake. I assume she's referring to her "D"H.

This made me so angry.
A bit of favouritism happens in this house towards my DSD, mainly as DH has in his head that if I do/sort/pay/attend something then it follows that We have done it and he is free to carry on prioritising DSD because there is no We between him and his ex anymore. We are working on correcting this tendency.
However, when push comes to shove, he is still more than capable of assessing a situation and rearranging priorities and I know that he loves them all same.
I'd not stand for him making my children feel second best, making me feel bad for being the only parent who will actually prioritise them, or tolerate any crap about me not treating them all the same when he doesn't and they are all equally his own kids!
Not a chance. Too much emotional energy draining away from you and your children OP.
Keep the door firmly closed.

Everyone’s knocking me but these are examples of why I feel jealous, insecure and resentment
If you'd led with this update no one would be knocking you. What a piece of shit he is. Stay separated. Disney Dad at its worst.

We've all heard of men that have second families and lose interest in their first children but I think sometimes the opposite happens and they prioritise their first children instead. Both are wrong and unfair to the children and I agree he sounds like a Disney Dad too.

I think you should stay separated. I don't think your SS is the issue. I think your partner is the issue. He wants life to standstill so his son is included and doesn't miss anything. He priorities his son over everyone else. Maybe he feels like he's present for his other kids and is compensating because he isn't present for his son. I think it's unfair for the other children to not be able to have a birthday on their birthday because it's not their brother's week. They shouldn't come second. I would try to reframe your thinking because if SS is spoilt it's because of DP poor parenting . You need to remember always that he's 8. He's a product of the adults around him.

That's a really useful response. You could say that about people in abusive relationships and why do they stay? There's a whole host of reasons why people don't walk away

You are living in a dreamworld if you think an 8 year old child cannot be selfish or manipulative in any way 'FFS'

OP, your husband is a bully. On the one hand he makes it clear you are not his sons mother, but on the other he is telling you that you must love him like a mother.
He is a bully.
Do not go back to living with him. You have every right to your feelings. You tried and it hasn't worked. Do not accept this bullying man back. Protect yourself and your boys from him. Your feelings are valid. Take every bit of support from your family and look after yourself and your two boys. This bully makes you feel sad and depressed. Your children need their mum to be well. It is best for YOUR children that you do not get back together and that you look after yourself. Living with a bully is bad for you and will destroy your childrens childhood as they grow up with a sad depressed mother.

Your bad relationship with your stepson has been made by your husband. HE should be the one doing the feeding, the laundry, helping to create a good relationship with you/his son so you don't feel the resentment.

All I see is you doing the physical graft whilst the son hates you and your husband berates you. Sod that. For the sake of your OWN children who are being treated appallingly by their father, stay separated.

He's an ass! Stay separated, not for the SC but for you and your children.

She left. Are you blind?

sadly if your husband cannot accept this, maybe it’s the right decision and in time maybe another relationship same position he might realise the expectations he put on you were unrealistic and unreasonable

Indeed. It's a shame that only when they become your ex can they begin to understand.

when my little boy was in intensive care having a canular put in, I was sat crying and he was on FaceTime having a laugh with his little boy and the mum

when he was born he had a hole in his heart, 8 weeks old he had to go hospital for a check up to see if it had closed over, my husband wasn’t going to come as he wanted his boy for tea, his boy was busy so he then wanted to come.

Your husband is the ONLY problem here. Quite frankly his behaviour outlined above was enough to end the marriage.

You're taking it out on his son, instead of holding your husband responsible.

Now that you're a mother can you understand why a little child would prefer going to their own parent, over their partner? To be irritated about this is bizzare.

Do bear in mind that your kids could end up being resented and disliked, by a future partner of yours husband if/when you split up, just as you feel about SS. Its not a reason to stay together... but men seem to have no problem finding a woman, even with multiple kids from more than one woman.

Other people's kids can be more irritating than your own and your tolerance for them is much less.. without unconditional love that you have for your own kids.

I just have to say what a terribly sad situation this is. You knew he had baggage in the shape of a little child when you got involved! Your dh may not be going about it in the right way but I admire him wanting to stay close to his son and trying to ensure he is included in your family unit. You can only hope that if you decide to move on that your dc won't be talked about with such disdain by a future stepmum! None of this is the child's fault and you're not behaving like an adult.

Your bar for who you admire is extremely low if you think someone who consistently prioritises one of his children above the others is admirable.

I'm sorry this happened to you. If I were you I would stay separated and if you really love each other, try to continue your relationship in different homes without 'blending'. For every family that blending works for there are 50 it doesn't and no matter how unhappy it makes you it's always worse for the kids. Forcing yourself to try and love another persons kid/a is unnatural and only a very specific type of person can do this.

I’m not sure where OP said the ex was sabotaging their relationship. I did see where she said she laid blame on a one year old baby (although she does now realise it wasn’t his fault). Honestly, only step mum would be told their feelings are valid in this situation.

@Sky1248 you should stay split from your husband. You have resented this poor child since he was a baby, literally a baby and you are jealous of the love and time your H gives him. Whatever you do for him and however you try to mask your feelings, he knows how you feel.

This ‘blended’ family is toxic to all of you and making everyone unhappy.

I agree that your DH is the problem. He's playing 2 happy families without boundaries which is probably sending conflicting messages to DSS. One minute he's at sports games with him and Mum, and the next he's with you and without a doubt picking up the resentment between you both - plus we also don't know what Mum is saying to DSS out of earshot and it's important to be mindful that you're unaware of the whole picture in terms of this. If it helps to know, my youngest DSS was fed so much poison about me by his DM, I played the long game. I showered him with love and I never disciplined or pointed out to him when he was doing wrong. If he acted out I would chat with my DH later on out of earshot and let his Dad address things. I'm still like this now tbh, they aren't my children to tell but they all love and respect me for the person I am now, rather than what they were told because ultimately children aren't stupid, their instincts run far purer than ours. We had years of spoilt behaviour too because the poor boy was conflicted with what he could see and what he was led to believe by one of the two people he trusted most in the world. Things are so much happier now and he now gives me hugs each night before bed and hes grown to know himself that I'm none of those things he was told about me. He knows his DM doesn't like me, he'll never know that I don't like his DM (no, I wasnt the OW 🙄😅). You have to be understanding, empathic and patient, and it will eventually pan out.

He knows how you feel. He may be not able to articulate it but it is very likely that he can tell you don’t like him.

I’d honestly suggest counseling to get to the root of the issue? Do you resent him because DH has left you do all the donkey work? Or did the resentment start with the birth of your own children that you want to put first?

Either way it’s not the 8 year olds fault.

I dont get your point. The Op is asking about her situation