Stepson issue

[Sky1248]

I’ve been with my partner for 7 years and met him when his little boy was 1.

hes always been a little tricky in the sense he never really wanted to come to me, always wanted daddy which I used to get irritated with but now looking back I understand he was just a baby.

he is now 8 years old and I feel awful saying it bt I just cannot stand him. He is rude, spoilt and makes it obvious he doesn’t want to be at our house. We have him in the week for tea and every other weekend Friday to Sunday. Sunday tea time he literally runs out the door, it’s almost like it’s a chore our weekends and something he just has to do.

his mum tries to be so heavily involved in our life. My husband will FaceTime his son and she sits beside him trying to join in. My stepson has a mobile phone and she won’t let my husband FaceTime off it, it has to be through her phone.

when he is with us I treat him the same as our 3 year old and 1 year old, they are all equal but when he isn’t there for example 1st December I wrote a letter to my children from the ‘cheeky elf’s’ but because I didn’t include my stepsons name my husband was annoyed. I bought him pjs from the elf’s but was going to give them to him when he came round.

my husband is very forceful and keeps trying to make me go above and beyond for his son and to ‘love’ him like I do my own but unfortunately I don’t feel that way. He makes it very known he doesn’t want me to be in anyway shape or form his mum which I fully acvept, I just care for him when he’s with us but when my husband wants him extra I start feeling depressed and dreading it.

me and my husband have currently split up for 3 weeks now as his son bothers me so much and all we do is argue about him and I know it sounds selfish but it’s making me so miserable I’d rather split with my husband so I don’t have to be around my stepson.

i know how awful it sounds and I am constantly beating myself up by the way I feel, I have tried to squash those feelings and really try but it ends up going back round in a circle again and i can’t help my feelings.

my husband is saying we should try again and I just need to accept him but I just don’t know if I can. I feel life’s to short to be unhappy for another person and this is my life.

any one with a similar story or advice would be great

Well, if you are unhappy, noone is making you stay

Sounds like you have a dickhead husband. He is forceful? He wants you to buy things for him but why cant he buy pjs or write a letter from an elf. But fuck me that was petty! 1st dec was a friday. Why wouldnt you include the stepson’s name?!

it’s almost like it’s a chore our weekends and something he just has to do.
it will be a chore. He spends weekends with his dad. His main home is his mums. He probably doesnt want to leave his home for full weekends. Has anyone asked him?

hes always been a little tricky in the sense he never really wanted to come to me, always wanted daddy which I used to get irritated with but now looking back I understand he was just a baby.
of course he didnt want to go to dad’s girlfriend. He was a baby and most probably wanted his mum. Dad would do. You were nobody to a baby.

Sorry to hear this OP. I think it's best you do stay split up as this amnosity is good for neither you nor this little boy. Being a bit rude/selfish is relatively normal for kids who haven't learned the social rules yet.

Out of interest how much effort does your H go to with the kids generally? Is it all you doing the hard graft? Does DH bother with DSS or is it you who are his main carer in your house?

Remain separated, this relationship doesn't seem to ever have worked.

I think maybe if you are unhappy enough to have split you may of made the right decision.

have you been happier in the last 3 weeks?

I would assume you can’t be completely honest with your husband and the fact is you don’t and never will love him like your own because he is not your own. The only expectation your husband should place on you is you are polite and kind to his son when he is around and that’s just basic decency that’s expected of everyone.

anything over and above that is your choice and a bonus.

sadly if your husband cannot accept this, maybe it’s the right decision and in time maybe another relationship same position he might realise the expectations he put on you were unrealistic and unreasonable

This posts makes me feel sad for your DSS. You have disliked him since he was a toddler, which is so heartbreaking. It’s no wonder he looks forward to going home to see his mum.

From the example you have provided it doesn’t sound like your DH is expecting you to go above and beyond, it sounds like he’s asking you to treat all of his children equally. Obviously you are not prepared/able to do that so yes, you should remain separated.

I am surprised your relationship has even made it this far, there is no way I could be with someone who actively disliked my child.

It's impossible to both love him like a mother and totally detach yourself as you keep being reminded you're not the mother at the same time.

I think it's reasonable to ask you to TREAT them the same, but not to love them in the same way.

Your husband should reasonably expect you to love his son like an auntie or big cousin would - ie want the best for them, enjoy their company, always look out for them but know that they're not responsible for the big stuff. It sounds like you can't even love him that much though.

Ps this really makes me worry for my toddler when he goes to his dad and his dad news girlfriends house

Your relationship is toxic and abusive. It is unhealthy for your children and most so for your poor step child. Dont let him come home. Start owning your own disgraceful treatment of your dss. But ultimately stop seeing him.

Your husband has been poisoning the well and is now looking around wondering why you've decided to stop drinking from it.
I'd not go back to this. I'd not have accepted it in the first place.

I suspect this 8 year old boy has always been aware that the woman his father lives with doesn't like him and that would be very difficult for a child to deal with. You resented the natural preference he had for his own parent when he was a toddler and it looks like your resentment of him has never gone away. What happened when his half siblings came along? Did you and your husband encourage him to be excited to welcome his new brother/sister or have you always made him feel like an outsider to your family. If you are able to regard this child with compassion, sympathy, generosity and kindness and talk with your husband about how you can really welcome him into your household you might be able to change your bad attitude towards him and create harmony in your household. If you continue to view him as an irritating interloper to your cosy family set up that is all he will ever be and that doesn't bode well for the family as you are asking your husband to reject his child for no other reason than you cannot be an adult and treat his son (your stepchild) with kindness and respect.

There is a really great book called 'stepmonster' by Wednesday Martin, please read it, it will help you to make sense of a lot of your feelings.

He doesn’t feel that he is not loved at all because I TREAT them all equal when he is here. I am the one who organises his birthday days out, decorates house.

sorts out day trips, showers him, washes his clothes, lay his pyjamas out, cooks for him etc I do it all!

I just feel he is a rude little boy and very spoilt. My family make an effort with him, they bought him a pool for their house he then told me he didn’t like them. Sorry but how do you turn a blind eye to that?
my brother gave him money for Christmas, he came round a couple days later and he wouldn’t come down the stairs and say hello because ‘he didn’t want to’

he has no suspection that I feel this way because I am an adult and he is a child.

I feel a lot of resentment towards him because my husband is constantly over compensating for example when he goes to sleep he will say have nice dreams and my daughter goes what about me daddy?

he takes him to rugby training and all day games even when the mum still goes. My kids are ill and I was ill and he still took him instead of helping me! I feel we always come second best.

its my sons 1st birthday and we booked a weekend away to celebrate, we asked his son and because it’s not our weekend he said no thanks I want to see my step brothers as it’s their weekend. My husband then didn’t want to go and said we had to swap it to his weekend so he would come. I’m sorry but I’m not changing my son’s 1st birthday to suit his son who does not want to come and change it to a weekend he has to come! I think that’s very selfish on my sons part and also me and my daughter still want to celebrate it!

Your last post you say 'selfish on his part' he's an 8 year old child ffs!!!!

I think you're expecting adult behaviour from a child, which is unrealistic.

You actually sound jealous of an 8 year old because his dad is a good father to him. Surely you're glad of that fact, given that you have children with him?

As almost always, you have a DH problem, and also a you problem.

Does your DH do anything for your joint children eg washing and cooking? Does he do any guiding/disciplining of Dss’s behaviour?

It is not unreasonable to move part of the birthday celebrations of a 1 year old so that his half brother can be there. It is not uncommon for an 8 year old to be a bit stroppy about doing something eg coming down to meet relatives.

Your DSS was very young when you got together. Look at your son now - if he was away with your DH and, say, an adult female cousin every other weekend, who do you think he would go to? His dad or a new stranger?

That's no good to OP if the man is going to be a shitty father to her own children.
These faux naive posts never fail to disappoint.

He's probably running out of the door on a Sunday because your DH isn't meeting his needs or making him happy whilst he's there. Poor child would be better off with just his mother.

Your husband sounds horrible and unsupportive.

I don't think you should blame his son, he is a producted of a failed family and parents overcompensating for that failure.

DH was over the top.with criticism about the elf. That is horrible. Of course you'll never love your stepson as your own children. Your DH seems very selfish.

I would recommend start detaching your life from the step family. Stop playing by your husbands and his ex wife's rules. They dont work for you and don't live in that shadow.

Start doing your own thing on the weekend he is at your house. Take your children to people that can love and support you. You will feel better.

I would recommend couples counselling to help each other understand each others issues.

So I think you are both being unreasonable here and suggest you go to a counsellor to talk things through. Because if you split up, your DC will end up likely being someone else's step children and the shoe will be on the other foot.
Your point that thr DSS doesn't know your feelings because you are am adult is false. Most communication is non verbal and I very much doubt you are able to conceal your feelings and children definitely do pick up on atmosphere and non verbal cues.( If you don't believe me check out the Child of our Times episode with Sir Robert Winston and the 3 year old with warring parents who said she didn't know they were going through rocky patch)
I think your DH was quite right to suggest changing the birthday celebration. A 1 year old has no clue what day is his actual birthday! And 8 year olds thrive on routine and it may be that he has a great relationship with the other siblings which makes for a happy home there.
The gift and money point - you know he may still be picking up on the negative vibes and. He's 8 ! Many 8 year olds lack a bit of societal niceties.

If you think it's worth splitting up over then fine but maybe fast forward to when your kids are 8 and going to your now ExH house with a step mum who doesn't like them and is annoyed with their reaction to being in their house and the attention they get from exH. How will you feel then?

I think any response that's not from a step parent should be void and ignored. No-one knows the battle of being a step parent and the conflicts it brings up that comes from falling in love with a man with a child. And when you have an ex partner who is quite visibly there sabotaging the relationship you are trying to have with a SC is the hardest things in the world. Of course your not going to love them th same but the fact you are doing birthday presents and keeping him in ur family shows that that's in itself is going above and beyond.

I think your relationship can come back from this but maybe just have to reset the balance. Try and distance yourself in the way of parenting your SS and allow that to be your husbands job and you concentrate on your 2. Also your husband needs to understand where you are coming from and has to be on board to step up and do everything for his son while he's with u. The role of a step mum is so undefined and we are constantantly criticised when we try too much and 'acting' mum but then if we step back then ur being unkind and wrong?? There's no right way for us without being judged very harshly and it's wrong. The people on here to say u should feel bad for how you have been are unkind and clearly have never been a step parent. There is no clear way to be and the position is the most judged position in the world with woman being so cruel and unkind to step mums and it is not a nice place to be. I understand why u have posted but for me i couldn't as I know all the people who judge and post horrible comments presumably because they are a biological mum who has to deal with a step parent to their child and it really does bring out the worst in woman I feel. You have fallen for a man with a child and chose to have 2 children with him so ur relationship and how u have treated ur SS must be good and positive to him.

I can assure your SS will not dread coming to u and will only feel conflict as his BM will be making him feel bad for having feelings for you and his father and he will be trying to suppress that. Which to u is coming across as if he doesn't want to be there but I would put money on it that he will and he'll enjoy being with uz he's just caught in the conflict of going against his BM wishes. Whether that may be subtle or obvious to ur SS. The person who should be ashamed is BM for causing her son such conflict and dis allowing him to develop a relationship with you and especially his own father.

On ur husbands part...he will also feel mega conflict and I bet that if he causes upset with his ex then he'll risk loosing contact with his son as his BM will likely use him as a pawn. So ur husband is stuck in a horrible situation also and because u r the kind person who wants to be with him and his son and because you are the stable one for your husband and not willing to use children against him then it's naturally easier to have fights with you rather Han his ex wen he has so much to loose there. I actually think this shows a massive positive to ur relationship.

Step relationships all round are so difficult and everything you are feeling is fine and natural in the most difficult situation you are in. And there will no doubt be all the answers of 'well you knew what you were getting into when u started the relationship' is so unhelpful and untrue. It's like saying you know exactly what it is like to have a newborn before you've had one. You just don't really have a clue until ur in the situation and that's ok to feel like that. And people who say that are just clueless to how it is to be in the no-clue area of a step mum. It real is a mind field that very little people have any sympathy for let alone decent advice which is clear to the amount of awful responses on here encouraging you to keep split from ur hubby wen there is a way forward. You all just need to adjust and find th balance you all need to allow your blended family to grow.

Take time for now but I would encourage you to speak to your husband and I think this is totally do-able to fix this but you have to readjust your role (story of a stepmum life eh?!) and your husband has to understand how u feel. Would you go for counselling maybe to get to through this tough period? It could help save this and allow uz to be happy together?

I just realised, I think you’re the same lady who wasn’t allowed a 30th birthday as it didn’t fall on the SS’s weekend. This refreshed my memory. No there’s a theme here that your husband wants life to stop when his kid ain’t around. My love, do you and put yourself first. His selfish arse won’t change and the prioritisation of his son over and above everyone will cause you to hate him. Try to see it isn’t the kid that’s and issue but your husband. As for not coming down to greet guests, yes he may not want to but it’s a parents job to teach him to be polite and he failed to take a teaching opportunity as it appears he frequently does.

if it helps I just walked away from my step mum role and I could not be happier. The stress drama and negativity it brings is not worth it.

I think any post from someone who hasnt read all op’s posts should be null and void. Her husband is abusive. She should leave. You shouldnt encourage someone to stay with an abuser.

I am so sorry you are going through all this. I believe you when you say you are trying to make an effort with this child and you treat all the children in the house the same. Continue to do this and remember he's still just a very young boy and will act out without thinking through what he's doing. Try not to hold anything against him. It looks to me like your husband is overcompensating for his son and giving him special treatment and attention that he doesn't give to the children you have together. If that is what is happening then of course you would find that upsetting, but he may be doing that because of the guilt he feels over his son being a child of divorce contrasted with your children having both their parents in the home. Try to talk with your husband about this favouritism. Does he accept that is what he is doing and see that it's not helpful for the whole family and he must treat all the children the same. It also doesn't help when you have a difficult ex in the mix. Keep talking with your husband, and see if you can both understand where the other is coming from and discuss what changes in behaviour you can both make to have a happier household. I've been there myself, angry and resentful and irritated by the presence of my stepchildren and the slack/lack of parenting my partner seemed to have. He and I now talk about what we can do individually and together to feel better about what happens in the house. He is stepping up his parenting and I am reminding myself that they are children caught between their parents who don't get on so I should cut the kids some slack. If you are consistently kind and attentive to your step son he will be feeling the benefit of this and your relationship will settle and improve as time goes on, and even if he doesn't show appreciation to you yet, continue to show the kindness and love to him that you show to your own children, who are his siblings and he will feel safe at your house and his behaviour will improve. All this is easier said than done and it's very often a case of one step forward, two steps back! I wish you much grace, luck and strength in your efforts to have peace and happiness in your home.

Everyone’s knocking me but these are examples of why I feel jealous, insecure and resentment

when my little boy was in intensive care having a canular put in, I was sat crying and he was on FaceTime having a laugh with his little boy and the mum

when he was born he had a hole in his heart, 8 weeks old he had to go hospital for a check up to see if it had closed over, my husband wasn’t going to come as he wanted his boy for tea, his boy was busy so he then wanted to come. I didn’t let him as I felt annoyed that he had chosen his son again over something important for his other child.

me and my 3 year old and 6 month old were really poorly being sick, he still took his son to a rugby game which was an hour and a half a way that his mum was going to so she could of taken him but my husband didn’t and took him. Like where is my help? I may aswell be a single mum cos I do everything!!