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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex wants sensitive information about my DD or NC

62 replies

Cucumberflo · 13/05/2024 08:22

Name changed for this as possibly outing and don’t want it linked to other posts.

DP has a 5 yr old DD. I have 14 yr old DD.

DP has lived with me and DD for 2 years, he has his DD 50/50 - until recently.

I have tried and tried with his narcissistic family and ex (all of whom are in each other pockets) but basically I was never going to be accepted into that fold. After another episode of DP’s sister & partner phoning me while they were drunk and slagging me off…I went NC with his family. This has massively pissed them off and they have told DP’s ex, that my DD has serious MH issues that are affecting his DD.

All completely untrue. DD lost a friend and received counselling at school for this last year but has managed it brilliantly bless her. My DD is fabulous with SDD. Me and DP honestly cannot fault her in anyway and SDD loves her.

Now DP’s ex has stopped the 50/50 (was only ever their agreement not formal) and said until she gets ‘proof’ my DD isn’t a risk to her DD then she can’t come to stay.

We obviously spoke to ex and told her there isn’t any issues at all, but she refused to believe this (egged on by DP’s family) and is now threatening to refer us to SS’s as we are ‘denying there is a problem with my clearly unwell DD’ 😢

It’s putting a massive strain on mine and DP’s relationship because he currently can’t see his daughter. But equally I am not willing to share the ins and outs of my DD’s life for it to likely make no difference because ex and DP’s family hate me anyway and I’m sure this is just a way to punish DP for moving on and being happy.

Any advice very welcomed!!

OP posts:
Nazzywish · 13/05/2024 11:51

I think most of the pp have said everything needed but to add you sound like agreat mum to be putting dd needs first here - how nice to see this after always reading on mumsnet how dp needs get put first over kids.

Iaskedyouthrice · 13/05/2024 12:08

Cucumberflo · 13/05/2024 08:58

I have said so much as this. Mostly in anger to DP and he agrees. But then in quieter moments he will suggest ‘why don’t we just say XYZ’ and when I disagree he says ‘but I am not getting to see my DD all the time this is going on’ and I feel for him as I wouldn’t be without my DD!

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I understand this and if you want to be kind in your response say' then we will figure this out together, but my dd is out of bounds. It is nothing to do with her and her privacy will NOT be compromised, so what's the plan?'.
Don't try to overcompensate by fixing this for him. It is not your or your dd's fault that his ex and family are behaving like this. So do not take on the burden of blame. Nip that in the bud. He isn't seeing his dd because of THEM and their games. Remind of this if you need to.

SheilaFentiman · 13/05/2024 12:37

well said @Iaskedyouthrice

SheilaFentiman · 13/05/2024 12:39

Illpickthatup · 13/05/2024 11:23

Sorry I missed that. I'd be absolutely fuming that he did that. Especially given how high conflict they are. So essentially he has caused this issue and still expects OP to offer up more information so that he can see his DD? But hasn't gone to any bother himself to get things on place to see his DD.

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Hmmm - I don't know the circumstances but I can see how it might have come up to his parents 'non-maliciously' eg "How is Jenny after her friend died?" "Oh, it's been tough, but she is seeing a counsellor now" or whatever.

Quite what DP's parents are doing telling his ex, I don't know.

Original poster
Cucumberflo · 13/05/2024 13:52

Iaskedyouthrice · 13/05/2024 12:08

I understand this and if you want to be kind in your response say' then we will figure this out together, but my dd is out of bounds. It is nothing to do with her and her privacy will NOT be compromised, so what's the plan?'.
Don't try to overcompensate by fixing this for him. It is not your or your dd's fault that his ex and family are behaving like this. So do not take on the burden of blame. Nip that in the bud. He isn't seeing his dd because of THEM and their games. Remind of this if you need to.

Show quote history

That’s is a brilliant way of putting it. I have been so angry with it all that it’s hard to find the words other than ‘they can all themselves!’

I just can’t believe grown adults can act like this towards children

OP posts:
Original poster
Cucumberflo · 13/05/2024 13:57

SheilaFentiman · 13/05/2024 12:39

Hmmm - I don't know the circumstances but I can see how it might have come up to his parents 'non-maliciously' eg "How is Jenny after her friend died?" "Oh, it's been tough, but she is seeing a counsellor now" or whatever.

Quite what DP's parents are doing telling his ex, I don't know.

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That would be the extent of it tbh. I wouldn’t say he was gossiping, but even still

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/05/2024 13:57

There is nothing to stop him collecting her from school tbh.

Sadly a CAO is the only option here and he needs to file it immediately before 50:50 is a distant memory.

Illpickthatup · 13/05/2024 14:01

RandomMess · 13/05/2024 13:57

There is nothing to stop him collecting her from school tbh.

Sadly a CAO is the only option here and he needs to file it immediately before 50:50 is a distant memory.

That's if she sends her to school. My DHs ex kept DSD off nursery for weeks so he couldn't just go and collect her from there. Also he'd need to collect her early as it would cause a scene if both he and the ex turned up to collect her.

AllThePotatoesAreSinging · 13/05/2024 14:10

Let it go to court. The judge won’t order your DD’s private medical records to be disclosed just on the say so of his ex. My cousin’s ex tried to get the judge to make her share her medical records and the judge told him to behave.

Illpickthatup · 13/05/2024 14:17

AllThePotatoesAreSinging · 13/05/2024 14:10

Let it go to court. The judge won’t order your DD’s private medical records to be disclosed just on the say so of his ex. My cousin’s ex tried to get the judge to make her share her medical records and the judge told him to behave.

Edited

Given her behaviour I'd be asking for full disclosure of the exs mental health records!

Original poster
Cucumberflo · 13/05/2024 14:19

Illpickthatup · 13/05/2024 14:17

Given her behaviour I'd be asking for full disclosure of the exs mental health records!

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I mean, this! But I am trying to keep perspective on everything because I can literally see myself losing my mind with all of this! Especially knowing the ex’s past history!

OP posts:
MFF2010 · 28/05/2024 15:45

Stop trying to reason with her, your partner needs to go to court and have the visitation set by them. I wouldn't discuss my daughter with these batshit crazy lot either 🤷‍♀️

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