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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex wants sensitive information about my DD or NC

62 replies

Cucumberflo · 13/05/2024 08:22

Name changed for this as possibly outing and don’t want it linked to other posts.

DP has a 5 yr old DD. I have 14 yr old DD.

DP has lived with me and DD for 2 years, he has his DD 50/50 - until recently.

I have tried and tried with his narcissistic family and ex (all of whom are in each other pockets) but basically I was never going to be accepted into that fold. After another episode of DP’s sister & partner phoning me while they were drunk and slagging me off…I went NC with his family. This has massively pissed them off and they have told DP’s ex, that my DD has serious MH issues that are affecting his DD.

All completely untrue. DD lost a friend and received counselling at school for this last year but has managed it brilliantly bless her. My DD is fabulous with SDD. Me and DP honestly cannot fault her in anyway and SDD loves her.

Now DP’s ex has stopped the 50/50 (was only ever their agreement not formal) and said until she gets ‘proof’ my DD isn’t a risk to her DD then she can’t come to stay.

We obviously spoke to ex and told her there isn’t any issues at all, but she refused to believe this (egged on by DP’s family) and is now threatening to refer us to SS’s as we are ‘denying there is a problem with my clearly unwell DD’ 😢

It’s putting a massive strain on mine and DP’s relationship because he currently can’t see his daughter. But equally I am not willing to share the ins and outs of my DD’s life for it to likely make no difference because ex and DP’s family hate me anyway and I’m sure this is just a way to punish DP for moving on and being happy.

Any advice very welcomed!!

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 13/05/2024 08:27

It sounds more trouble than it’s worth living together not to mentioning the effect it will have on your DD. At the very least live separately. It’s up to your DP to resolve the situation with his ex, and his family. It sounds like you are better off out of it at this point.

NewNameNigel · 13/05/2024 08:28

Your DP needs to end this nonsense by going to court. There's no need for your daughter to be involved in this at all.

FriendlyNeighbourhoodAccountant · 13/05/2024 08:29

I'd be quite blunt about this if I were your DP. He should tell the ex that it's not possible to prove a negative in that way, you can't provide proof of something that isn't there. It's like asking the ex to prove she can't speak French. It's not possible. I'd also tell her that having had 50/50 contact for last two years, a judge will not look favourably on the ex with suddenly stopping that contact and certainly any reports to social services will look malicious to both social services and the court. Unless the 50/50 contact is reinstated, as has been working best for the 5yo, he'll be applying to court to get the arrangements formalised.

sunnydaysanddaydreams · 13/05/2024 08:30

FriendlyNeighbourhoodAccountant · 13/05/2024 08:29

I'd be quite blunt about this if I were your DP. He should tell the ex that it's not possible to prove a negative in that way, you can't provide proof of something that isn't there. It's like asking the ex to prove she can't speak French. It's not possible. I'd also tell her that having had 50/50 contact for last two years, a judge will not look favourably on the ex with suddenly stopping that contact and certainly any reports to social services will look malicious to both social services and the court. Unless the 50/50 contact is reinstated, as has been working best for the 5yo, he'll be applying to court to get the arrangements formalised.

This sums it up perfectly

AutumnFroglets · 13/05/2024 08:31

Now DP’s ex has stopped the 50/50 (was only ever their agreement not formal)
He needs to go to court and get it made formal. It is the only way.

Don't fear the SS either as they will see DD and probably close the case after one meeting. It will more than likely go in your favour and something you could use in court further on.

SheilaFentiman · 13/05/2024 08:34

Surely it’s not about fearing the SS, it’s about not dragging DD into something that’s nothing to do with her and potentially reopening grief over the death of her friend

Iaskedyouthrice · 13/05/2024 08:49

I would end it with my DP before I shared anything about my own DD. Unfortunately this is something your DP needs to work out. Without mentioning your DD at all. Court is his best bet.
Your poor DD being dragged into their toxic mess.

Theunamedcat · 13/05/2024 08:53

Just go to court and stop all this nonsense

Original poster
Cucumberflo · 13/05/2024 08:53

SheilaFentiman · 13/05/2024 08:34

Surely it’s not about fearing the SS, it’s about not dragging DD into something that’s nothing to do with her and potentially reopening grief over the death of her friend

Absolutely it is about my DD. I am furious about the whole situation. The fact my lovely DD is being bought in to this awful circus. I have said to DP I would welcome Social services, we have a lovely life and home. I’m so done with all of this as is DP.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cucumberflo · 13/05/2024 08:55

MsPavlichenko · 13/05/2024 08:27

It sounds more trouble than it’s worth living together not to mentioning the effect it will have on your DD. At the very least live separately. It’s up to your DP to resolve the situation with his ex, and his family. It sounds like you are better off out of it at this point.

I have really thought this!

OP posts:
Illpickthatup · 13/05/2024 08:58

Like others have said your need to go to court. Given that he's had 50:50 for 2 years it's highly likely the judge will grant a court order for that.

Does your DP still speak to his family? After the way they've treated you I would suggest he goes NC with them as well. Block the lot of them so there's no more phonecalls.

I terms of the ex, I'd recommend reducing communication with her as much as possible and use a parenting app.

My DH ex is a complete horror show of a woman but thankfully over the years of having strict boundaries we have minimised her impact in our lives. We have my DSS full time and DSD who's 6 50:50. People will say you should have open communication with a young child and while that would be the ideal situation, when the other parent is high conflict it's just not worth it. We parallel parent. She does her own thing and we do ours. Communication only when strictly necessary and we ignore a lot of her messages.

Original poster
Cucumberflo · 13/05/2024 08:58

Iaskedyouthrice · 13/05/2024 08:49

I would end it with my DP before I shared anything about my own DD. Unfortunately this is something your DP needs to work out. Without mentioning your DD at all. Court is his best bet.
Your poor DD being dragged into their toxic mess.

I have said so much as this. Mostly in anger to DP and he agrees. But then in quieter moments he will suggest ‘why don’t we just say XYZ’ and when I disagree he says ‘but I am not getting to see my DD all the time this is going on’ and I feel for him as I wouldn’t be without my DD!

OP posts:
Illpickthatup · 13/05/2024 09:01

Cucumberflo · 13/05/2024 08:55

I have really thought this!

Show quote history

If you really love your DP don't let these arseholes split you up. The whole thing can be resolved with a court order.

Original poster
Cucumberflo · 13/05/2024 09:01

Illpickthatup · 13/05/2024 08:58

Like others have said your need to go to court. Given that he's had 50:50 for 2 years it's highly likely the judge will grant a court order for that.

Does your DP still speak to his family? After the way they've treated you I would suggest he goes NC with them as well. Block the lot of them so there's no more phonecalls.

I terms of the ex, I'd recommend reducing communication with her as much as possible and use a parenting app.

My DH ex is a complete horror show of a woman but thankfully over the years of having strict boundaries we have minimised her impact in our lives. We have my DSS full time and DSD who's 6 50:50. People will say you should have open communication with a young child and while that would be the ideal situation, when the other parent is high conflict it's just not worth it. We parallel parent. She does her own thing and we do ours. Communication only when strictly necessary and we ignore a lot of her messages.

He has massively reduced contact with his family. But they are so good at worming in. Usually using his DD as a way in! For example this weekend they took her out so (knowing I was out) they turned up with her, obviously he was thrilled to see albeit briefly. Then he is torn because at every opportunity they will tell him the reason he can’t see DD is because of me 😢

OP posts:
Illpickthatup · 13/05/2024 09:02

Cucumberflo · 13/05/2024 08:58

I have said so much as this. Mostly in anger to DP and he agrees. But then in quieter moments he will suggest ‘why don’t we just say XYZ’ and when I disagree he says ‘but I am not getting to see my DD all the time this is going on’ and I feel for him as I wouldn’t be without my DD!

Show quote history

How long has he not seen his DD for and what has he done in that time to resolve it?

Illpickthatup · 13/05/2024 09:03

Cucumberflo · 13/05/2024 09:01

He has massively reduced contact with his family. But they are so good at worming in. Usually using his DD as a way in! For example this weekend they took her out so (knowing I was out) they turned up with her, obviously he was thrilled to see albeit briefly. Then he is torn because at every opportunity they will tell him the reason he can’t see DD is because of me 😢

Show quote history

If he gets a court order he won't have to pander to his family to see her. He needs to get this sorted ASAP.

80schildhood · 13/05/2024 09:12

He needs a court order. He needs to put stricter boundaries in place with his family and ex. The irony in this woeful tale is that the smaller child IS likely to end up with mental health issues as a result of her mum's attempts to alienate her from her dad.

SheilaFentiman · 13/05/2024 09:14

If his DD can come over when you are out, is that a short term measure whilst the court prep is happening? Or can he take an Airbnb or stay at a friend’s sometimes so DD can see him there.

Absolutely not condoning their nonsense but just as a way for him to see her pro tem

OpusGiemuJavlo · 13/05/2024 09:18

Get out of that relationship.
Sorry but both you and DP need to put your own children first and it's really not good for either of them fot you two to be together.

Separate. You may be able to consider dating casually on the days he doesn't have DD.

It's shitty and unfair on all of you but you cannot fix the situation any other way.

titchy · 13/05/2024 09:22

But then in quieter moments he will suggest ‘why don’t we just say XYZ’ and when I disagree he says ‘but I am not getting to see my DD all the time this is going on’

But that's not true is it. The reason he is not seeing his dd all the time this is going on is because HE hasn't bothered to take it to court. He's blaming you rather than his inaction.

Original poster
Cucumberflo · 13/05/2024 09:23

Illpickthatup · 13/05/2024 09:02

How long has he not seen his DD for and what has he done in that time to resolve it?

Show quote history

Since last week. SDD was meant to come to Tuesday for her 50/50 but ex said she couldn’t he could pick her up from Thursday for one night then after that it was stopped. She had already bought all this up in the last week (but obviously had plans for the one night so let her come but now it’s nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cucumberflo · 13/05/2024 09:25

Court is the only option. They have already had mediation before so I can’t imagine they would do that again? We are looking into this today. But have already been advised before (off the back mediation) that court could cost up to £8,000 - he doesn’t have that type of money.

OP posts:
Illpickthatup · 13/05/2024 09:25

Cucumberflo · 13/05/2024 09:25

Court is the only option. They have already had mediation before so I can’t imagine they would do that again? We are looking into this today. But have already been advised before (off the back mediation) that court could cost up to £8,000 - he doesn’t have that type of money.

Nonsense. It only cost that if he uses a solicitor. If he self represents it's £232 to apply to the court.

Olivia2495 · 13/05/2024 09:29

Nonsense. It only cost that if he uses a solicitor. If he self represents it's £232 to apply to the court.

I agree. Op if he wont formalise arrangements and put a stop to this drama you need to split up. You need to block his ex and family members and let him deal with them.

How does his ex know your daughter had counselling?

Illpickthatup · 13/05/2024 09:33

Olivia2495 · 13/05/2024 09:29

Nonsense. It only cost that if he uses a solicitor. If he self represents it's £232 to apply to the court.

I agree. Op if he wont formalise arrangements and put a stop to this drama you need to split up. You need to block his ex and family members and let him deal with them.

How does his ex know your daughter had counselling?

Exactly. There seems to be no sense of urgency here yet he expects OP to pass over sensitive information about her DD. My DHs ex told him on a Saturday she was refusing access. Of course everything was closed over the weekend but we spent the whole weekend looking into what we needed to do. And as soon as his solicitor opened on the Monday morning he was on the phone. It's been a week and this guy hasn't even looked into it.