Ex wants sensitive information about my DD or NC

[Cucumberflo]

Name changed for this as possibly outing and don’t want it linked to other posts.

DP has a 5 yr old DD. I have 14 yr old DD.

DP has lived with me and DD for 2 years, he has his DD 50/50 - until recently.

I have tried and tried with his narcissistic family and ex (all of whom are in each other pockets) but basically I was never going to be accepted into that fold. After another episode of DP’s sister & partner phoning me while they were drunk and slagging me off…I went NC with his family. This has massively pissed them off and they have told DP’s ex, that my DD has serious MH issues that are affecting his DD.

All completely untrue. DD lost a friend and received counselling at school for this last year but has managed it brilliantly bless her. My DD is fabulous with SDD. Me and DP honestly cannot fault her in anyway and SDD loves her.

Now DP’s ex has stopped the 50/50 (was only ever their agreement not formal) and said until she gets ‘proof’ my DD isn’t a risk to her DD then she can’t come to stay.

We obviously spoke to ex and told her there isn’t any issues at all, but she refused to believe this (egged on by DP’s family) and is now threatening to refer us to SS’s as we are ‘denying there is a problem with my clearly unwell DD’ 😢

It’s putting a massive strain on mine and DP’s relationship because he currently can’t see his daughter. But equally I am not willing to share the ins and outs of my DD’s life for it to likely make no difference because ex and DP’s family hate me anyway and I’m sure this is just a way to punish DP for moving on and being happy.

Any advice very welcomed!!

This and also how stupid ex will look when you explain to SS. They won't tell ex reason just that your DD is not a danger to anyone.

Blimey! Ok, we didn’t know that.

He mentioned it to his parents at the time.

Hell would freeze over before I’d perform to this circus. Tell your DP to sort it or get out. You’re being blackmailed , manipulated and abuse by the ex and her family and your poor DD shouldn’t be dragged into it anymore.

im so disgusted by their behaviour. Why are people so bitter, jealous and nasty

Honestly I am fuming. And his family accept no responsibility for the shit show they have caused, in fact they love it.

It’s been really hard to not show them how upset I am by all of this. But I refuse to give them the satisfaction.
I am so fiercely protective of my DD, I have genuinely considered ending my otherwise good relationship because of this and the issues with DP’s family before this

I think you need to put your dd first here.

That is before yourself and your dps relationship.

That means moving out and living separately.

I'm not sure why you have put the suggestion with an exclamation mark - it's the obvious solution. Protect your child.

My daughter IS really complicated god love her and really struggles with her MH and if a request like this came to me I would not be held accountable for my actions!

honestly I am so fuming on your behalf. If like the ex got bored of using HER kids as pawns and now is trying to use yours? It’s unbelievable. Honestly. I’m raging!

You and your DD are in the middle of some toxic sounding drama. Why can he not see his child, surely he can collect her, take her to do something and drop her back off. This is all the making of the toxic family who will likely get fed up not having weekends free so I'd just encourage that he visits, takes to park, movies, dinner, walks, swimming whatever more regularly and don't refer to any of the other stuff it'll only fan the flames. You need to stand your ground for your own DD it's effectively not your problem. If partner has issues with that he'd be better an ex.

Unfortunately narcissists don't work on logic. My DHs ex stopped him seeing his DD over an argument about a dog. A dog that she rehomed after fighting DH over it in mediation. It's often just about hurting the other person rather than what's actually in the child's best interests.

How have you not got the ick with this man?

He can't be arsed actually doing something about seeing his own child - he could have started the court process weeks ago but he couldn't be arsed, he could have seen her without you but he couldn't be arsed. He can't be arsed telling his family to stop stirring, he can't be arsed to tell his family to leave you alone.

The only thing he can be arsed to do is try and get you to throw yourself and your DD under the bus.

Even your language We are looking into this today - why is it a "we are" ?? Why isn't he doing it off his own back? Couldn't he be arsed?

This is not your fault and your DP is sounding very wet at best and equally drama loving as his family at worse.
I would honestly being a bit grey rock about it with him.
He can go to court get it sorted very easily and in meantime could arrange to see his DD outside of your home ..he is choosing not to do these things and seems to be expecting you to fix it fir him.

So he needs to act, TODAY, and get the wheels in motion for taking this to court.

I would only allow my dd's information to be shared when instructed by a court - and this isn't going to happen. Your dad has received support after a certain event, job done (I know it's not anywhere close to being as simple as that).

Court will act to reset the status quo - which WAS 50/50 - the longer you leave it - the longer HE leaves it- the less contact he will have.

The bar for reducing contact is very low - even child abusers have contact with their kids. If he's pushing this onto you and your dd YOU need to step back, he's not the man for you and not stepping up for what's best for his daughter, him or you, or your dd.

There are no magic words that your partner can say to get his ex to back down. They want drama and any info passed on is going to create more.

He needs to get a Child Arrangement Order (£230 plus a mediation session) so his 50/50 rights become official.

Don’t pass on info about your dd. It will be twisted and used as ammunition later.

The alternative is that you live separately so he can have 50/50 without your dd being there. This will work until they come up with a new obstacle for your partner to climb but it should be easier to protect the children from the drama if you live separately.

Thank you to all the comments.

He has stood up to his family in the past when they have made horrible remarks about me. And he did tell them all how awful they were for meddling in this and bringing my DD into it all but I suppose they are his family and he really struggles to let go of them.

He has buried his head in the sand with all this, hoping still to somehow negotiate with his ex, even though it is clear this isn’t going to work.

Th fact that he hasn't even bothered to Google court fees is shocking. Is all this nonsense really in your child's best interests?

I have experienced a malicious social services referral. It was absolutely appalling because the accusation was very serious, came completely out of the blue, and imploded our relationship with a family member. However, actually dealing with social services was fine. They visited our house, chatted to us very respectfully, and put it to bed straight away. They made it pretty clear they have to follow up on these things but that they had no concerns.

So I wouldn't be intimidated by the threat. If it does happen, don't make it about your daughter, just say to her that DP's family have been trying to say there are problems at home, probably because they want to disrupt DSD's custody arrangements, someone will speak to her to check she's okay because that's their job, and it will be okay. Try to make it a small deal because it will be a small deal.

Otherwise your DP needs to apply to court for formal 50:50 arrangements. He should engage with his ex and family in a way that is neutral, matter of fact, and contains the bare minimum necessary information for a paper trail. Anything else is fuel on their bonfire. Always remember that the best option is to ignore / not engage if there is nothing constructive / necessary to say. Do not justify / argue / defend / explain (literally check messages before sending to make sure there is no JADE!). Imagine every single message being read by a judge.

Eg
"I can't send our daughter to your house to stay with your crazy bitch stepdaughter, you're no kind of father bla bla bla"

"I intend to continue our existing 50:50 and am applying to court to do so"

Etc

Good luck sounds like a nightmare. It might be worth getting a new number for everyone else so that he only has to see/check messages from his ex (on his old number) once a day or something. And block everyone else that is being unpleasant.

I think you get this already but your husband needs to understand this isn't about your daughter, it isn't about any legitimate concern. This is a feeding frenzy and his emotional energy is the food. He needs to stop trying to appease / react emotionally because by doing so he is fuelling this behaviour. If you try to appease on this issue with your daughter, you will supply his ex / family with more emotional buttons for pushing whenever they like, compromise your daughter's privacy, and they will move on to a new drama anyway.

What's the situation with your daughter's dad? Maybe she would be better off there rather than in this circus.

You get to decide how much of this you tolerate, but why should your daughter have to.

"I think you get this already but your husband needs to understand this isn't about your daughter, it isn't about any legitimate concern. This is a feeding frenzy and his emotional energy is the food. He needs to stop trying to appease / react emotionally because by doing so he is fuelling this behaviour. If you try to appease on this issue with your daughter, you will supply his ex / family with more emotional buttons for pushing whenever they like, compromise your daughter's privacy, and they will move on to a new drama anyway"

Well said, @Wheelbarrowbabe - if it wasn't this, it would be the size of your garden or the fact that your paint is peeling. They are using your DD because they know it will hit where it hurts.

Put perfectly. Look up the grey rock method. It's the only way to deal with these sorts of people.

And I agree, if it wasn't your DD being used as an excuse they'd just find something else. Better for everyone in the long run to have a court order as it's only a matter of time before they pull another stunt. People who use their kids as weapons really shouldn't be allowed to parent. It's awful how common this situation is.

How did they even find out about your DD having issues? We share absolutely nothing with DHs ex.

@Illpickthatup OP wrote that her boyfriend told his parents her daughter's personal business. His parents then blabbed to his ex.

Sorry I missed that. I'd be absolutely fuming that he did that. Especially given how high conflict they are. So essentially he has caused this issue and still expects OP to offer up more information so that he can see his DD? But hasn't gone to any bother himself to get things on place to see his DD.

I agree it will be something else if it wasn’t this because we have already had every other comment & concern possible - but I think because I have finally blocked them all and not had anymore of their nonsense they have upped their game.

The thing with my daughter happened about 8 months ago so they have literally dragged it up from then to tell her now. Totally disgusting tbh. They are all so closed minded, that to them they think this is huge when it really isn’t.

I also totally get that he is responsible for firstly telling them and not doing anything about the custody in the meantime. And I have told him so! And I do judge him for all of this! He knows he is in the wrong and he has apologised a lot for them in the past and now. I think he is at a loss tbh but again that isn’t my issue.

That's his choice to be at a loss. A decent parent would have already started court proceedings, he hasn't even googled it.
Your priority is putting your daughter first, assessing whether making her live with this man and his chaos is in her best interests, and making decisions based on that.
Is she ok about the man telling these people her personal issues?

My DH fell to his knees and cried when he got the message from his ex. He was in absolute bits. He was already struggling only seeing her 50% since he was her main carer when him and the ex were together. He still managed to pull himself together that day and research what he needed to do to resolve the situation.

He mentioned it to his parents at the time

Why is he gossiping about your daughters private issues? How does your daughter feel about that? Do you see how his lack of boundaries and lack of action has caused all this?

It’s not a we issue. It’s his issue. As other people have pointed out, while you’re tying yourself in knots and posting on here, he can’t even be arsed to google. I’d get rid of the lot of them.