Mum & money

[Bedford85]

Just looking for some opinions if poss I have a 13 year old step son who lives with his mum close by.

For context my DH and I have been together 7 years and have a 3 year old. DH is a brilliant dad, always been involved, holidays are split and stepson is with us every second weekend. He did come during the week previously but was deemed disruptive to his routine. DH pays more than the minimum maintenance money as well as numerous extras eg school stuff, lunch money, football club, hockey club.

The issue we have is with mum. Her finances are clearly none of our business but when it concerns stepson naturally we are concerned. Mum has quit her 2 mornings a week job and is unemployed. She’s fit and able to work but chooses not to. From what I gather she’s never had a ‘proper’ job and is either not working or flits between jobs doing a few hours a week. Again her choice but as a result DH maintenance money is funding her life and stepson is going without. She never buys him clothes or pays for any of the extras we do. It’s us who pay for holidays and treats, he never gets anything from her. We have since found out she’s asking relatives and friends to take stepson overnight and for meals again so she doesn’t have to spend on food shops.

AIBU that this is not what maintenance money is for? It’s to contribute for the upbringing of the child not to fund someone’s life allowing them to quit working? We both work full time but it just seems unfair. Both parents should be contributing not just DH.

She actually took my DH to court, the case is still ongoing as it's been postponed several times, over money. She claimed she wasn't able to work because she was the children's main carer and DH was an unreliable father who doesn't pay for his kids. The truth is we have DSD6 50:50 on paper but actually more as she asks for extra nights regularly. We each buy everything for our own houses and we pay for DSDs hobbies. We have my DSS full time who is even biologically my DHs son. I have no idea how it's gotten as far as court.

In her lawyer's letter she says she chose to give up work to be a full-time mum but also says she was made redundant. Possibly just a rumour but we heard through the grapevine that she lost her job due to having an affair with one of the bosses. She cheated multiple times throughout their relationship so not out with the realms of possibility.

She's now shacked up with a married man who left his wife and 3 kids for her after a year long affair. He remortgaged his home that was paid off, that his kids are living in, and released tens of thousands of pounds that they've spent on holidays and renovations for her council house. His wife only sound out when she got a letter from the bank. He hasn't seen his kids for a year and hasn't paid any maintenance for them. But yeah, it's my DH who's being dragged through court! Couldn't write it!

Pay the minimum maintenance and spend the rest directly on your step son?

What she spends the maintenance money on is, unfortunately, up to her. It sounds like it would be in your step son's best interests to live with/spend more time with your family which will reduce the maintenance anyway.

I don’t think I’ve ever read one of these threads that begins with my husband pays more than the minimum CMS where the amount that is paid is actually specified in pound amounts.

In principle what you are saying sounds reasonable but without knowing the amount it’s hard to say.

Holy hell!!

@Pleasebeafleabite but the amount is more than the mother is paying as she doesn't pay anything!

Fucks me off. Had the same recently quit her job and is now asking for even more money off dh as money is tight ! Well no shit...

@everythinglooksbetterpaintedblack we have established that the mother isn’t working already. I don’t see how your question is relevant.

The father still needs to pay towards his offspring. It’s not optional because the mother doesn’t “pay”

@Pleasebeafleabite but you are asking for specific amounts.
That's irrelevant!
It's above the minimum and the mother doesn't seem to be paying for anything!

What if the minimum is 30 quid a month?

Context is everything

Irrelevant. She can get a job!

Oh, I’m sorry. I mistook you for a reasonable person with whom I could have a sensible debate. My bad. You crack on.

@Pleasebeafleabite if the minimum is £30 then it's still £30 more than the child's mother can be bothered to provide

My now DH’s EW was the same.

Refused to get a job (kids were in secondary school). Apparently women who work are bad mothers (her work). Tried to claim spousal maintenance - this was thrown out of court and she was told to get a job.

My DH pays £800 per month. Apparently this is a ‘pathetic amount’. Regularly tells the children their dad doesn’t pay anything towards them. He’s just paid £1k for the youngest to go in a trip abroad. Still moans.

Regulary sent the kids in hole ridden clothes or trainers.

She chooses to work 3 days a week.

Oldest is almost 18 and should leave for university in Sep. Her part of the maintenance stops end of Sug (in line with child benefit). All hell is likely to break loose (my DH plans to pay the maintenance direct to his DD). And god forbid she could up her hours….

Secretly I can’t wait as she’s been such a toxic bitch over the years. Did I tell you the story of how she stopped contact when she demanded a new car and he refused (they had been divorced over 6 years at that point)?! Or when the FMH was sold & she got £250k and told the children daddy was making them homeless?! So stopped contact then.

Oh my god, you’re her aren’t you??? The mum that won’t get a job and thinks her ex should fund her life!

Wow! Nothing is ever enough for them is it? Horrendous when they drag the kids into their bitter opinions and lies.

For some balance I will offer the view that it’s exceedingly difficult to work as a lone parent - it’s worse with older children as childcare availability is less and they need taking to activities etc.

I used to think that but nah, that does'nt really wash in 2024. There are plenty of jobs with flexibility around these days. It's not that much harder to work as a 'lone parent' either, especially to a 13 year old.

How does she still get universal credit etc if she's doesn't work at all but is able to? Are you sure there's nothing you are unaware of about her health etc?

Assuming 13 and no disability then yeah she should be working

This.

She's doing virtually all the parenting alone. It's a mental load that EOW married parents simply don't have.

Now that your dss is older perhaps a more equal share of the parenting is possible. If that burden was lifted she may want to work.

Whether she is "lazy" or not she is extremely vulnerable if she doesn't have an income of her own.

dhs ex was like this. She just relied on benefits and maixtenance. Used to gamble a lot of the money and the kids would go without. Nothing we could do. Now all the kids are grown and moved out and she doesn’t have much, according to sd. Doesn’t even have a car anymore as the last one she had (which dh bought for her) broke down and no money to fix. Dsd fortunately didn’t follow in her footsteps has a good job and just bought herself a new car. Plus lives near us and sees us all the time and rarely sees
her mum.

If non of the money is going towards DSS then why on earth is your DH continuing to send more than the CMS would make him pay. As well as paying for all clubs etc? He is choosing to support another woman financially. Drop payments to CMS minimum for a start.
If its not going on DSS why send so much?

She needs to work but who would willingly leave their 13 year old say 7-5pm for six weeks solid childcare is a genuine issue if alone alone. Unless the Nrp is willing to take their half it can cause issues.

@OhmygodDont it wouldn't be six weeks though if she had a job then she would use some annual leave.

My dh is like this, lived off maintenance and benefits for as long as I've known her. Sd is now a young adult and the money will very soon stop.
She's incredibly vulnerable financially. Near 60 with no work history for 18/19 years, hasn't a grasp on how work is and how the world operates in a work environment. I'm guessing she's hoping sd won't continue any higher education and she can charge her rent to try and cover some of her loses.
Sd used to arrive in small dirty clothes, holes in shoes, never did any out of school activities. We often replaced items of clothing but out of school clubs mum would refuse. It was so sad and now I've no idea what she's going to do