Mum & money

[Bedford85]

Just looking for some opinions if poss I have a 13 year old step son who lives with his mum close by.

For context my DH and I have been together 7 years and have a 3 year old. DH is a brilliant dad, always been involved, holidays are split and stepson is with us every second weekend. He did come during the week previously but was deemed disruptive to his routine. DH pays more than the minimum maintenance money as well as numerous extras eg school stuff, lunch money, football club, hockey club.

The issue we have is with mum. Her finances are clearly none of our business but when it concerns stepson naturally we are concerned. Mum has quit her 2 mornings a week job and is unemployed. She’s fit and able to work but chooses not to. From what I gather she’s never had a ‘proper’ job and is either not working or flits between jobs doing a few hours a week. Again her choice but as a result DH maintenance money is funding her life and stepson is going without. She never buys him clothes or pays for any of the extras we do. It’s us who pay for holidays and treats, he never gets anything from her. We have since found out she’s asking relatives and friends to take stepson overnight and for meals again so she doesn’t have to spend on food shops.

AIBU that this is not what maintenance money is for? It’s to contribute for the upbringing of the child not to fund someone’s life allowing them to quit working? We both work full time but it just seems unfair. Both parents should be contributing not just DH.

The next three years are incredibly important. I think he should live with you.

There are 13 weeks school holiday. Most people get no more than 5 weeks leave annually. Leaving teens alone isn't something many parents are prepared to do.

I would also suggest that once you're separated for more than a couple of years, you cease to know what is going on in the ex's life andcwhatvdrives them. Illness and disability can be very much hidden.

Holidays are split - OP says so in the first post, so mum is not having to cover thirteen weeks anyway!

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that there’s a higher correlation of poverty with lone parent homes without an adult male. People underestimate the impact of single living on lifetime financial outcomes, and I think it’s worse for women in this patriarchal society. Even very good maintenance, still doesn’t create the household outcomes of having two working adults. Ideally both parents would be sharing care, but it’s often women who end up providing the majority of care with the resulting sacrifice of their own financial security.
If she’s been a lone parent since he was 3, that’s 10 years of running a household on only one income.

Thank you everyone for your comments I’ve read them all and listened to everyone’s views.

I completely agree it’s hard for single mums. I have close friends in that situation and it’s by no means a walk in the park. However this lady has a 13 year old who can get himself to and from school (walking) has a key and lets himself in and out. If she couldn’t work when he was younger (I get that as I have a toddler myself) then once in full time education (since 2015) I’ve no doubt she could be doing more. Certainly more than she is now.

The poster who mentioned holidays. The holidays are split so he’s with us for 50% of the time so again she wouldn’t need cover for the entirety. We also do have him ‘extra’ on an adhoc basic so whilst the alternative weekends are the normal she does ask us to have him extra which we are happy to do.

People mentioned maintenance cost. DH is only meant to pay £600 but pays £750. So £150 over. But I think we may consider your suggestions of cutting to the minimum and using extra money directly.

To the poster that mentioned health. There could be I guess a health related issue meaning she can’t work given she’s not had a full time job ever (even prior to her child) and no one in the family has ever heard of any health complaint I doubt it.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum you mentioned UC. I have little to no knowledge of the benefits system so not a clue what she could be getting. Is UC credit only given to people who are looking for a job or topping up a wage?

But I think we may consider your suggestions of cutting to the minimum and using extra money directly.

You need to. This money could actually benefit your DSS or God forbid, your own household. The question is, why has he continued to pay over, knowing it isn't going towards his sons costs? Does he want to support her? That's fair enough if so but a little odd.

@Baconisdelicious there are 13 weeks holidays which are split.
Between 2 houses and clubs the teen will be fine.
The mother is obviously just a lazy chanced

WHAT?!?! 😂

"Its exceedingly difficult to work as a lone parent" ... of one 13 year old child?!
"Childcare availability is less" .. Again, the child is 13, not 3.
"Parent events every few weeks during working hours" What on earth are you waffling on about?! Parents events during working hours?!

There is no excuse for pure laziness. But some people around here sure as hell search hard!

wow. clubs for a 13 year old! where are those, please?! I think I need to move!

There are lots of reasons why someone may struggle to work - being fundamentally 'lazy' is really just a guess. There could be all sorts going on including ill health, hidden disability, lack of self confidence, no idea where to start with applications and CVs, few contacts in the workplace who can help etc. etc. etc. It's easy to just call it laziness but many women face issues getting back to work after a prolonged time off. And it's even harder if there's no one there to support you in that endeavour.

And like I say, once you've been separated a few years, knowing what is really going on in the other person's life becomes increasingly difficult.

I would reduce the maintenance to the required amount. Then any clothing, trips etc your DSC needs you pay for directly.

She is going to be scuppered once he is 18 but that's up to her.

I'm a single parent and at 13 my DS would be either with me, on holiday with me, on a school trip or with his friends. We all used to try and juggle the holidays.

How is she paying any bills/rent if she has just stopped work?

I would contact CMS and go through them directly. Give any extra direct to the step son and tell him he can stay at yours when the wants, rather than going to sleep at other people’s houses. Can he do 50/50, then you won’t need to give her any maintenance at all but can continue to give him money,