Things we do

[Butterfly212]

Washing all the step children’s bedding ready for this weekend so they all have nice fresh bedding. There will be no appreciation for this or even being spoken to but onwards we go .

How can you be attracted to such a failure of a man? Why are you facilitating him failing his kids?

Yes they do. We are hoping to move to a bigger house this year once my youngest starts secondary school so we are closer to the school that mine go to so they can walk.

Great question.

Some weeks they are only here one night,l, they also still prefer to pack and bring things from their mums that’s their choice he offered all new stuff etc ) I wash all the things in the washing baskets obviously ( or my DH will) but sheets and towels get forgotten ( he will say they’ve only slept in them a few times - which would be correct)

My thoughts exactly. I'd find that such a turn off.

And allowing his kids to be disrespectful towards his partner? My DH loves his kids and would do anything for them but if they disrespected his wife he would 100% have my back and would be pulling them up for it.

If they're only staying the odd night then I'd agree with your DH that they really don't need changed that often. They can't be that musty after being slept in a few times. I'd just let him handle it.

All my SC make their beds and leave their rooms tidy. Ofc it wasn't always like this, but if they had gone back to their Mum's and left anything out of place I would ask Dad to sort it, I would then go in and dust/hoover. Dad does all the bedding in the house once a week. We share the washing (I do it once a week/DH does it once a week). I do a deep clean on my week day DO, and DH does a deep clean on their weekend DO. It's all about partnership. It works by working as a team. There are different rules in Mum's house to ours but the children know this and know the rules in our home for them, and respectfully adhere to them - because I and their father work together to ensure clear boundaries are in place and are adhered to, consistently. And it's so important for children to have structure and routine - they may not thank you for it at first but it does pay out. Having consistent structure/routine helps a child feel they have a safe environment/home.

It was never plain sailing at first, it never is. Especially when SC's other parent holds grudges and paint you out to be a monster SP. But a little time and patience goes a long way. They grow to realise that you're not actually all those things you were painted to be. That's when things get easier. I hope they do for all of you who are struggling, too! The key to an easier life with SC is your partnership. If Dad isn't willing to work with you then you're absolutely fighting a losing battle.

Hopefully this makes things a bit easier. It's unfair that your tidy bios have to share with messy siblings. If the stepkids have their own room then you can just leave them to it.

Except the white ones are now orange after being brand new 🙄

Its one thing that’s causing alot of issues as i ensure my kids respect him and listen to him. His ex was rude to me in front of two of his recently but nothing was done about it. I keep trying in the hope things will get better.

What are your future plans then? Just continue having am embarrassment of a boyfriend and inflicting him and his offspring on your kids?

Your poor kids

i haven’t washed their sheets in months. Last time I washed them I said every weekend before you leave strip the bed and bring it down to be washed please. Anything not in the wash won’t be washed. Clothes they tend to bring but if there is anything in the pockets or the boxers still attached to bottoms I won’t was it. Inside out socks nope. They have a reject pile and usually pissed off when something they like hasn’t been washed. Not my fault for though 🤷🏼‍♀️ I will not allow those boys to treat women as slaves and just good to help round the house.

Your set up sounds very similar to mine. We definitely work as a team and I think it's good for the kids to see that. DSS17 lives here full time and is responsible for his own washing and bedding. He also does the dishwasher and cleans the kitchen every night. DSD6 makes her bed every morning and puts her washing in the basket. She does other chores for pocket money and weirdly loves cleaning toilets haha!

I think it's even more important to have structure when the other parent doesn't. I've heard my DH say countless times "these are the expectations in our house and if you don't like them you're free to go live elsewhere". Over the years we've had spells where DSS did mostly live at his mum's because he was allowed to skip school and could lie in bed all day. That novelty shortly wore off and he's been living with us full time since last September.

Like you say, routine and boundaries are good for kids. I'm sure my stepsons at one point thought DH was evil for making them get up at a reasonable time, expecting them to shower regularly and pull their weight in their house. But now they are 16 and 17 and working full time they can see why he was so strict with them.

So they have orange sheets. Next time get black sheets. Or just stop caring about the colour of someone else's sheets. The colour of their sheets doesn't really matter. It doesn't really impact your life, or at least it shouldn't. Parenting/step-parenting is hard. Try to stop worrying about things that ultimately don't really matter. Pick your battles.

See it's not just them, we often use all the kids rooms for guests, that bedding now can't be used other than for her as it will defo have stained, which i find really antisocial and selfish tbh. Same with towels, we just have towels, now some are wrecked, yes i will try and ensure she always has the same ones but honestly, I shouldn't have to.

I get it with the sheets, you just want people to respect things.

I'd seriously have a good think about whether buying a bigger house with this guy is a good idea. It sounds like you'd be better off splitting up or at least living separately.

If DH's ex was rude to me my DH would absolutely put her in her place. She's been told never to approach me in public again after she threatened me at the school Xmas concert. She's been pulled up for referring to me as "the babysitter" and other snarky comments she's made to me. He absolutely wouldn't stand for his kids being rude to me either.

Your partner should have your back 100%. It doesn't sound like yours does.

i agree and ive said he should have my back. I said she thinks its ok to do and you dont even say anything. He worried that if he does anything she will take the kids off him completely shes an awful person just vile the way she speaks and uses the kids to win battles , we used to have 50/50 and it was easier then until she decided she was skint and needed child maintenance ( her words) so now it’s every other weekend.

No you shouldn't have to. My mum has foster kids and my foster sister is 18 and she had the same problem with fake tan. She just bought her dark sheets and black towels. All the kids have their own towels. My mum marked them with different coloured threads so they have a colour each. She was fed up of towels being left on the bathroom floor then everyone denying it was them. So now if there's a towel on the floor she can identify who's it is by the coloured thread. They're also responsible for their own washing so again if they haven't done their washing then they don't have a clean towel to use.

My DHs ex is a vile excuse for a human as well. We have dealt with the same bullshit , been badmouthed etc. If you think she will not let him see the kids then he needs to get a court order. It's not an excuse to allow you to be treated like crap. At the moment he's more concerned about keeping his ex happy than making sure his partner is happy. Why didn't he fight for 50:50 in court?

I have said the same thing its not fair that im treated like this as Ive done nothing she is engaged with 3 more kids so not sure what her issue is. Ive told him loads of times how do you think it feels that youre happy to tell me when youre pissed off with me but cant tell her because of the kids I know it’s ridiculous. Im not sure why he didnt we never really spoke about it i guess maybe money has to do with it i don’t know.

Why she behaves like she does is not your concern. You can't control her. Your OH has the power to take action to prevent her stopping access. He could have fought in court to retain 50:50. He chose not to. It costs £232 to apply for a court order if he self represents. If they were already 50:50 the court would likely have gone in his favourite as they prefer to keep the status quo unless there is good reason not to.

You can't make him be a better parent or a better partner but you can absolutely decide whether this is really the life you want. If he doesn't care enough to fight for his kids how can you expect him to care about you? He sounds a bit useless and spineless. Sounds like he chooses whatever is easier for him which is completely selfish. You deserve better.

I lasted about 4 months doing the whole sheet washing and bedroom sorting thing for DSD after DH moved on with me.
Realised it was a waste of my time and energy caring more than either of them if DSD had a nice environment to sleep in so I stopped.
She's now 12 and her room is a perpetual hovel, no idea when her sheets were last washed and can't say I care. DH and I have tried repeatedly to reset for her, help her, offer guidance, but here we are.

I've said it won't change until he starts confiscating her phone so she can tidy up but it's not my place to enforce so 🤷🏻‍♀️