Would you say no

[Crystallizedring]

DH has a daughter from previous marriage. She is quite a bit older than our children.
DSD really doesn't enjoy school but has become more against it this year. She claims to be sick, has a migraine or period pains in order to get sent home.
I work very close to her school because of this DH will often call me to pick her up. When it was only occasionally I didn't mind but now it seems that DH and his ex just assume I will pick up as I'm selfish if I don't (it would take either of them an hour to pick up).
So I pick up but neither mum or dad come home early and obviously work are getting annoyed about me leaving work early.
On top of that I don't let DSD play on her technology when she is sick (I also have this rule for my children) but according to DH that is me being mean.
We had a row last week and I said I was no longer going to pick up DSD. If he doesn't like how I look after her he can do it. Or mum. Or her grandparents.
It's okay for me to say no isn't it? It's not really DSD that's the problem but the fact her parents think it's fine for me to risk my job by caring for their sick child.
I blame DH because for all I know he might have told his ex I'm fine with the arrangement but I'm really not.

She's perhaps doing it to try and get a bit of attention. From her parents. And they're just palming her off on the stepmum.

It makes you wonder if they're happy to palm off a sick child they're probably neglecting her in other ways. So maybe the poor girls just wants her parents to take some time out of their precious day and pay her some attention for a change.

It seems really odd that you are questioning whether you are correct for assuming that the actual parents should be picking up their child rather than you.
Are there other red flags in your relationship which you are not acknowledging?
Sounds like a very toxic, controlling situation and very worrying that you are unable to see it.

Why can't he go into school?

He’s being a complete arse and needs to do some self reflection regarding who is coming across as not caring about his daughter.

Because his job is far too important and his time is too precious!

This. They are her parents not you. Make them parent the child.

Do you have any contact with the girl's DM Op because I'd want to hear from her own mouth that she won't pick her DD up. Your DH saying something doesn't make it true. Quite honestry, with the amount of manipulative behaviour from him I'd take what he says with a big pinch of salt

I don't have a lot of contact with his ex but presumably she knows DSD is coming home from school and given that she and DH work in the same place she must also know he's not picking her up.
I did wonder if he's told her I'm happy to do pick up but I'm just not sure.

The reason why you find it hard to say no is because of the way your DH reacts when you say no! If he was behaving reasonably about this then it wouldn't be so difficult for you.

Your DH is very disrespectful towards you, he is treating you like he owns your time.

So they both work at the same place @Crystallizedring , I'd bet you good money he's told her you're fine with doing it. At the risk of causing another row I'd speak to her and tell her your job has kicked off and he knows you can't do it anymore.

Cheeky bastard. I hope you keep repeating the NO.
She is HIS responsibility.

Yes.

That conversation with ‘so now you care about her?’ was 100% manipulation. He is passing his responsibility on to you and then blaming you for what he’s not doing.

I think you need some counselling here to help you to step back and set appropriate boundaries. And recognise his manipulation for what it is.

How dare he insist that you should go to the school to find out what’s wrong with his daughter because he (and her mother) are ‘too busy’? You need to hear that as an open recognition that he is a terrible father and simply doesn’t care enough about his daughter to do it. Blaming you doesn’t change that. In fact, trying to blame you for his failings just makes it even worse.

In this situation, you do really need to set rigid boundaries and stick to them. Even to the detriment of your SD. You cannot protect her from parents who don’t put her first, no matter if you run yourself into the ground or risk your job and financial independence. She needs her parents to step up and the only way your husband will do that is if you leave the vacancy that he has to fill.

Letting him guilt you into doing stuff so he can avoid doing so ultimately doesn’t help her; it just papers over the cracks. What happens then is that it’s the paper that rips and the cracks are just as bad, or worse. Make him look at those cracks and recognise that HE needs to do something about them.

If you’re having to go to his ex to resolve a problem with your husband’s attitude and behaviour, I fear all is lost for the relationship.

She's perhaps doing it to try and get a bit of attention. From her parents. And they're just palming her off on the stepmum.

Just as likely that OP is providing really kind, good quality attention for her DSD who has otherwise unengaged parents. DSD has twigged how to secure more of that attention for herself.

Smart kid but oh how I feel sorry for her.

@Astariel you're quite right but the whole situation is bizarre. The Op's being made to feel guilty for something that is out of her remit as a SM, she has no PR and yet her DH is hellbent on making it her job.
So many posts on here the Father seems to expect his wife/ partner to pick up his parenting role and when refused resorts to the classic " you hate my kids" because emotional blackmail is so much easier than being a parent. If the only way to get the truth is to go behind someone's back then 1) go for it, find out what's really happening and 2) if it's got this bad is your relationship viable anymore?

Think DH would go mental if I went behind his back to talk to his ex. And it would be weird.
He's never actually said what mum feels about me picking DSD up from school but if their work don't want them leaving early why would my manager be fine with it?

If they don’t care enough about their own daughter to try and find out what’s going on with her then your work situation won’t even be anywhere on their radar.

As others have said you need to shake off any guilt for saying no, if your DH carries on like this I can’t see how your relationship with him is going to be viable so keeping your job and having some financial independence is even more important than ever. What would your DH “going mental” look like? Are you scared of him?

I don't think you should approach the ex. Your problem is with your DH not her. It's him that's taking you for granted. He's supposed to be your partner not her. She has no obligation to care about you thoughts or feelings on the matter. If she's refusing to collect her DD on her time then she can battle it out between herself and DH. Just remove yourself completely from the situation and don't get involved with the ex.

I'm not scared of him but I don't like conflict so I try to avoid arguments when possible.
I'm not going to talk to his ex but I will try and get DH to talk to the school again. DSD insists nothing is wrong, she just hates school but I'm worried there's more to it.

I think you might need to consider stepping back from the situation. You have already said your piece to your DH about his daughter. He has chosen not to listen. There is nothing more for you to do here.

The only way you can re-set the dynamic is to continue to say NO to picking her up when she needs to leave school during your working hours.

Her actual parents will need to sort it out between themselves. Do not engage with them about it any further.

Try to not worry any more about your DSD's school situation. Of course, if she comes to you to talk about it, that's fine, and you can pass on anything she says to your DH. But this is not for you to sort out.

Concentrate on your own children and leave all the child-raising and responsibility for DSD to your DH.

Make it absolutely clear that you are not her default parent and that you will not be stepping into that role.

If your DH decides to turn that into an excuse for conflict, then you clearly have a serious DH problem.

You sound like you were caring and supportive in wanting to help when your stepdaughter was ill.

There's 3 issues now though:

1. She's off sick a lot - should she be staying at school through some of it? (obvs depending on the illness but what you describe does sound like it's not that bad, or if it is really bad she needs a dr appt to follow up on some of it.)
2. You are doing all the collecting - I'm guessing she is a young teen? At that age I think they're capable of deciding in the morning if they're well enough to go to school for the day and going home in the middle of the day shouldn't be commonplace. ( my 14 yr old has done this once in 4 yrs and it was after a sports injury where the school suggested I collect him)
3. They're criticising how you look after her.

It is definitely ok for you to stop collecting her when it's not an absolute emergency. You've done your fair share and they don't sound appreciative!

xxx

Go into the school and tell them the truth about her parents neglect of her!!!