Would you say no

[Crystallizedring]

DH has a daughter from previous marriage. She is quite a bit older than our children.
DSD really doesn't enjoy school but has become more against it this year. She claims to be sick, has a migraine or period pains in order to get sent home.
I work very close to her school because of this DH will often call me to pick her up. When it was only occasionally I didn't mind but now it seems that DH and his ex just assume I will pick up as I'm selfish if I don't (it would take either of them an hour to pick up).
So I pick up but neither mum or dad come home early and obviously work are getting annoyed about me leaving work early.
On top of that I don't let DSD play on her technology when she is sick (I also have this rule for my children) but according to DH that is me being mean.
We had a row last week and I said I was no longer going to pick up DSD. If he doesn't like how I look after her he can do it. Or mum. Or her grandparents.
It's okay for me to say no isn't it? It's not really DSD that's the problem but the fact her parents think it's fine for me to risk my job by caring for their sick child.
I blame DH because for all I know he might have told his ex I'm fine with the arrangement but I'm really not.

I’d tell your office if someone rings for you to take a message and you’ll call them back. Then don’t!

If she has to wait an hour for her parents she might get fed up of looking to go home

I'd have said 'work have said I'm not able to leave to pick dsd again without using holidays which I really don't want to do so unfortunately someone else will have to go for the next couple of months'

They haven't said the bit about holidays though have they? Employees cant just expect to take holiday here and there without notice.

Just say no OP. It was ok when it was a one off but now it's become regular, and they don't like your no tech rules, DSD'S parents need to sort out her care themselves.

They should not be expecting you to be doing this regularly. If it was a one off yes that’s fine.
However they really need to find the reason why she is complaining of these illnesses and wanting to go home. Perhaps it’s anxiety and she really does have these symptoms? They need to work out why this is happening and do something about it. My daughter was like this for years and finally went into autistic burnout aged 14. Not saying this is the case for her but they need to talk to school and her in order to help her be happier at school.

You absolutely are not being unreasonable!!

If it was now and again, for genuine illness, then it's a favour from you ON YOUR TERMS but only in dad's time. In mum's time, it's up to her to source someone to care for an unwell child (and that includes asking dad to do it, never you!).

I'd make it clear that you won't continue to do this, simply because it is impacting on your job and not your responsibility. You don't even need to mention the boundaries and rules that you expect to be implemented, and that the parents are unhappy about.

DPs ExW has tried this a few times with me. DP is quite clear to her that they are their children, not mine, and therefore I will not be default childcare for either of them. DP has even turned it back on her and told her to ask her own partner, which she apparently doesn't agree with as they're not his children. The irony...

Yanbu at all. Helping out once in a while perhaps but to be the default - no.

I’d stop doing it full stop. Taking the piss out of you.

Why do you need to leave work, can she get home on her own?

The school probably won't let her leave on her own in the middle of the school day. My DC get the bus home on their own after school, but if they're ill the school would expect them to be picked up.

Na I wouldn't even say that as they'll then expect she can start picking her up again in a couple of months. Don't even blame it on work. Just say she's your child your responsibility and you obviously have a certain way you think she should be cared for when she's sick in which case you or her mum needs to do it.

The cheek of some parents. I have DHs ex blocked due to previous abusive calls and messages. She had a go at me at a drop off once because she couldn't get a hold of me when nursery called her on HER time as DSD was sick. She was at college and couldn't leave to pick up her sick child but expected me to leave work to do it. But then refuses to acknowledge me as DSDs stepmum and refers to me as the babysitter and the help. She was ranting and raving at the door and I said "and this is exactly why I have you blocked" then closed the door on her.

Wow, your husband calls your office if you cannot pick up your mobile at work? When it is not an emergency? He’s quite entitled then and indeed controlling. That would be a hard no from me, and I am usually quite accommodating.

"obviously work are getting annoyed about me leaving work early."

Then it stops now. I'd be having a conversation with DH tonight, pointing out that from now on he and his ex will have to parent their own daughter come to an arrangement re picking their daughter up from school, as you cannot endanger your employment. No ifs, no buts, it's their joint responsibility and they need to take responsibility for her rather than abdicate it to you.

As an aside, because her 'sicknesses' are not impacting them, they're not dealing with her manufacturing / exaggerating symptoms to get out of school. They need to get to the bottom of that, not just let it drift; which is what I suspect the pair of them are doing. If they have to pick her up, hopefully they'll talk to her (on the way home in the car, at least!) and realise that there is a problem, and it is not migraines/periods.

So have a conversation ASAP, tonight, and inform him you will no longer be picking his daughter up, it's time for him and her mother to take the hit with their employers and stop offloading it on to you and your employer.

It's the genuine audacity of them and their batshit mentality at times that gets me 🤣

DPs ExW lives literally minutes drive from each DSCs school and works from home most of the week. Yet she expects me to drive half an hour to pick either up if they're unwell!

DSS was seriously unwell once and, because she had to care for him instead of me, told him he had to go to school. He was blue lighted to A&E less than an hour after going in, after she made him walk in the pouring rain to get there!!

She has guilt tripped me and DP in the past to take time off work for DSS school event, stating she can't go because of work. We've then found out she had been day drinking in her garden instead!

I haven't even laid eyes on her in over a year, and my body will have had to decompose before I can even think of anything endearing about her!!

Anyway, glad I've got that off my chest 🤣

Seen a lot of these threads where the stepmum is taken the piss out off. Im wondering how on earth you can bring yourselves to have sex with a partner who is basically using you as unpaid childcare/skivvy. I would find it a huge turn off

I swear they've all taken the same asshole course. Ex refused to collect DSD from nursery when we had COVID because she wasn't her responsibility that day. She was unemployed at the time and apparently had plans. Told DH if she was left stranded at nursery than it was his problem. We had to ask the receptionist from work to collect her. This was a month after we'd cancelled a weekend away and kept the kids an extra week because she had tested positive for COVID. Apparently that was our choice to say yes and it's her choice to tell us no. Found out further down the line that her "plans" was an overnight with a married man and father of 3.

We should all get together and write a book "tales of a stepmum".

Jesus christ 🤦🏻‍♀️ it never fails to shock me the lengths some parents will go to just to exert their 'dominance'. They never seem to care when the other household is unwell/ will have to change their plans/ have got sick of their shit but it's the end of the world and you're the worst person on earth if you can't bend over backwards for them.

I've told DP we do no more favours for ExW, simply because everything is on her terms and she never even tries to help us on the rare occasions we have asked (and they are rare, maybe twice off the top of my head in several years)! She booked a holiday, over the only 2 days she has DSC that week, and then kicked off at DP because he genuinely couldn't accommodate us having them 10 days on the bounce. Said we were trying to ruin her life 🤣 she could have taken the kids the following week, but that's obviously too much to ask!!

Her birthday is sacred and can't have the kids, same with mothers day, valentines day, Christmas day, new years eve, new years day, bank holidays and her partners birthday. But fathers day is a demand DP has the DSC (even if it falls on her day, although DP loves having them that day) and sod DP and I if we want a special day to ourselves.

It would have to be a whole series of books, but would definitely be a best seller!!

OP we have railroaded your thread (sorry!!) but if anything, learn from this conversation. Put your foot down now and offer your set of bollocks to your DH if he's struggling to locate his to parent his child, be the man with responsibilities he's meant to be and look after his own child, and to stand up to his Ex and tell her to also face her responsibilities as a mother. Trust me, you say yes once and you suddenly become the unpaid help who is never even considered as a whole human being with their own life!!

Sadly it's damned if you do, damned if you don't!! Personally, I'd rather be hated for having boundaries than loved for being a push over!

DP remembers a time his wrist became very sore after I realised I was doing more for DSC than their own mother was, and that DP was allowing (even facilitating) it! He's not made that mistake twice 🤣

I would tell DH that work are unhappy with your repeated absences and now your job is on the line so don't even ask again, the answer will always be no.
I too suspect she will be staying at school in future when the easy way out dries up.

Sorry so many of you are in a similar situation although I feel less alone now. We had that row last Thursday and sure enough today DH called me and asked me to pick up DSD. I said no I couldn't.
He said was I really willing to make DSD wait an hour just to prove a point and how I wouldn't do it if it were our DCs (obviously because they are my children).
I said I can't leave work early.
DH did finally say well I suppose I'll have to do it, thanks for your fucking help.
Since I got home he's barely spoken to me and I feel guilty but I'm hoping I did the right thing.

100%, you absolutely did!

Ask him why he thinks his time and job are more important than his DC, but yours isn't.

Classic 1st post nailing it.
Leave her parents to deal with her

What a CF!! You absolutely did the right thing, do not doubt yourself for even a single second please!!!

You're a better woman than me for even explaining it to him again. I'd have laughed down the phone at DP if he asked me to do anything after I'd already given a flat no.

You weren't willing to make DSD wait for anything. He was willing to make her wait longer than an hour by disturbing you instead of immediately leaving work himself.

Stick to your guns and don't back down on this, it is liberating!! 💐

You did the right thing. It’s really up to him and his ex to be picking her up from school. It’s also effecting your job. And obviously there is probably nothing wrong with DSD!