Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Would you say no

123 replies

Crystallizedring · 17/03/2024 17:53

DH has a daughter from previous marriage. She is quite a bit older than our children.
DSD really doesn't enjoy school but has become more against it this year. She claims to be sick, has a migraine or period pains in order to get sent home.
I work very close to her school because of this DH will often call me to pick her up. When it was only occasionally I didn't mind but now it seems that DH and his ex just assume I will pick up as I'm selfish if I don't (it would take either of them an hour to pick up).
So I pick up but neither mum or dad come home early and obviously work are getting annoyed about me leaving work early.
On top of that I don't let DSD play on her technology when she is sick (I also have this rule for my children) but according to DH that is me being mean.
We had a row last week and I said I was no longer going to pick up DSD. If he doesn't like how I look after her he can do it. Or mum. Or her grandparents.
It's okay for me to say no isn't it? It's not really DSD that's the problem but the fact her parents think it's fine for me to risk my job by caring for their sick child.
I blame DH because for all I know he might have told his ex I'm fine with the arrangement but I'm really not.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
ChateauMargaux · 19/03/2024 12:07

Go back through your diary and make a note of every time that you have collected his child, then make a note of every time that you have left work early or stayed home for your own children, include maternity leave. 'In the other column'... make a note of all of the times that your DH had left work early for either your children or his elder daughter.. show him what deficient he is in.. and tell him when both sides are equal, you will consider sharing the load again..

FinallyHere · 19/03/2024 12:20

It's okay for me to say no isn't it?

It absolutely is. But don't expect the people who are getting childcare for free from you to see it that way when it would do massive Ely impact them.

It's completely in their interest to have you keep doing this.

In your shoes I'd be sticking to the line that's it's not good for the child to have you caring for them. And not do it. No one can argue that it is good for them so ... sorted.

Obeast · 19/03/2024 12:23

ChateauMargaux · 19/03/2024 12:07

Go back through your diary and make a note of every time that you have collected his child, then make a note of every time that you have left work early or stayed home for your own children, include maternity leave. 'In the other column'... make a note of all of the times that your DH had left work early for either your children or his elder daughter.. show him what deficient he is in.. and tell him when both sides are equal, you will consider sharing the load again..

That sounds like an incredibly boring way to waste lots of time, to try to beg a man to do the bare minimum for his kid.

Astariel · 19/03/2024 13:10

Obeast · 19/03/2024 12:23

That sounds like an incredibly boring way to waste lots of time, to try to beg a man to do the bare minimum for his kid.

Show quote history

It does indeed.

i don't think it’s up to the OP to somehow prove that she’s doing loads here. He just needs to recognise that it’s not her job and he’s asking her to do him a favour.

It is his job to pick up his daughter, to work out what is going on and to take action to support her to stay at school. That’s being a parent. He doesn’t get to pass that on to the nearest women.

And his ex can, as I think a PP might have said, get in the sea!

Newuser75 · 19/03/2024 13:36

ragdoll12345 · 19/03/2024 07:25

Totally agree with your stance on this. Maybe sitting outside the nurses office for an hour or more may make her change her attitude:- ie is she really that sick (or even sick at all) that she needs to leave school. When in primary school my eldest DD would frequently say she felt sick in school, I would be phoned to collect her. Work weren't happy with this happening frequently, as we walked out of the school she would skip along asking what was to eat when we got home. She just preferred being at home with me rather than school. The next time the school phoned me I told them phone me if she is actually sick, they didnt phone back and the regular phone calls stopped. Worth a try ??

Yes I was thinking the same thing. How about asking the school not to ring unless she is actually sick or has a temperature.
My sons school will give out paracetamol in case of a headache or whatever, will they do this.
Have the parents spoken to the school or the child to try and figure out why she keeps wanting to come home?

Carriemac · 19/03/2024 13:47

I'm
With you on the no tech if you should be at school rule. It can't be more fun to be at home than school, that's just asking for trouble

AmyandPhilipfan · 19/03/2024 14:35

I personally would take the view that the root cause of all this absence needs to be looked into. How often is she being sent home? If it's pretty much every week then her parents (ie not you) should be talking to her about why this is - will she admit to faking it or is she adamant that she's actually ill? If she says she's honestly ill so often then her parents (ie not you) need to be taking her to the doctor to investigate physical possibilities.

If everything comes back fine then her parents (ie not you) need to be arranging a meeting with the school and discussing a possible course of action - such as keeping a record of which lessons she's missing ti try ti work out what she's trying to avoid, having a plan of what to do when she says she's ill such as giving her a drink of water and a ten minute break from class then sending her back, having a named member of staff for her to talk to if she has any worries etc. And ultimately if she is not actually ill then school shouldn't be complicit with sending her home so often, but her parents (ie not you) need to have that conversation with the school.

Astariel · 19/03/2024 14:46

AmyandPhilipfan · 19/03/2024 14:35

I personally would take the view that the root cause of all this absence needs to be looked into. How often is she being sent home? If it's pretty much every week then her parents (ie not you) should be talking to her about why this is - will she admit to faking it or is she adamant that she's actually ill? If she says she's honestly ill so often then her parents (ie not you) need to be taking her to the doctor to investigate physical possibilities.

If everything comes back fine then her parents (ie not you) need to be arranging a meeting with the school and discussing a possible course of action - such as keeping a record of which lessons she's missing ti try ti work out what she's trying to avoid, having a plan of what to do when she says she's ill such as giving her a drink of water and a ten minute break from class then sending her back, having a named member of staff for her to talk to if she has any worries etc. And ultimately if she is not actually ill then school shouldn't be complicit with sending her home so often, but her parents (ie not you) need to have that conversation with the school.

Obviously the root cause needs to be looked into - but that is a job for the SD’s parents.

They can’t just pass that on to the OP to deal with.

Westsussex · 19/03/2024 15:04

You shouldn't have been doing this from the start. Say no, say your job has been put at risk and under no circumstances will you be collecting her from school ever again. Also, your husband sounds awful, do you honestly want to be married to a man who says those things to you after everything you've done for him and his daughter? It's shocking.

44bookworm · 19/03/2024 15:21

We had a similar issue with frequent school absences with my DSD and I was usually the one dealing with it as my DH worked shifts and couldn't get home. But he always thanked me for sorting it out and he spoke to her about his concerns that she was faking and dealt with that side of it. He offered to find someone else to help if needed. He never expected me to do it all and that makes a big difference. Your DH needs to accept that he's responsible here - both for picking up and for dealing with the underlying issues.

Scaffoldingisugly · 19/03/2024 15:51

Ask him outright has he /his ex found out what's up with dsd yet. Keep pushing...he is the one not doing any parenting of his own dc. Act concerned for dsd... He can't call you out for not caring... He is a knob.

SeamsLegit · 20/03/2024 14:11

How's the atmosphere at home now OP? I think U were dead right!!

lovehatelovehate · 20/03/2024 14:52

I am so angry on your behalf! I’m sure I saw a similar post recently, what is wrong with all these useless men?! You are absolutely not in the wrong, please don’t feel guilty for a second.

JenniferBooth · 20/03/2024 20:17

YY @lovehatelovehate They are lazy as well as useless.

Original poster
Crystallizedring · 21/03/2024 08:47

I told DH he needs to talk to school because something is going on as DSD is always "better " an hour or so after getting home. He said so now you're worried about her, what a shame you weren't when I needed you to help.
I said I wasn't discussing pick up with him but yes I was worried about her. He suggested I went in to the school as he couldn't and apparently ex doesn't have time! (Obviously I have loads of spare time, it's not like I work full time, have two children and a step child)
I gave up and went to bed. I haven't bothered to say anything else but I'm sure I will still get a phone call next time DSD is sick. Why do I find it so hard to say no?

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 21/03/2024 09:02

Crystallizedring · 21/03/2024 08:47

I told DH he needs to talk to school because something is going on as DSD is always "better " an hour or so after getting home. He said so now you're worried about her, what a shame you weren't when I needed you to help.
I said I wasn't discussing pick up with him but yes I was worried about her. He suggested I went in to the school as he couldn't and apparently ex doesn't have time! (Obviously I have loads of spare time, it's not like I work full time, have two children and a step child)
I gave up and went to bed. I haven't bothered to say anything else but I'm sure I will still get a phone call next time DSD is sick. Why do I find it so hard to say no?

He's a disgrace as a partner and also as a father.

He just wants you to do what he (and his Ex) wants and never mind if there IS a deeper problem with HIS daughter or how your frequent absences from work is seen by your bosses or how those affect how you are seen with regards to any advancement or benefits at work.

Why do I find it so hard to say no?
It IS hard to say no if you're an empathetic person but, for your own safety protection, you need to continue to say so. It does get easier the more you say it, however. Short, sharp, consistent.

Mute his phone calls from your mobile when you're at work and ask whoever he speaks to on your office landline to say you'll call him back after your "meeting".

Step back from being the default as far as his child is concerned. Her own two parents need to step up and actually parent, and not make you the whipping boy here. 🌹

Scaffoldingisugly · 21/03/2024 09:07

Tell dh only her dps can take her to a Dr as legally you have no responsibility... She has 2 parents op. They are both shit ones. Not your problem sadly.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 21/03/2024 09:10

Surely the school would only discuss with someone with parental responsibility? ( I’ve assumed you’ve not got that OP so apologies if I’m wrong)

I can’t believe they are so offhand with you about this and I’m really sorry you are being treated this way.

Obeast · 21/03/2024 09:11

did you not find the thread helpful?

Original poster
Crystallizedring · 21/03/2024 09:19

Obeast · 21/03/2024 09:11

did you not find the thread helpful?

Absolutely and I know you're all right, which is why I felt able to say no this week.
I find it hard to say no in general though, especially to DH and especially when DSD could be genuinely sick.
I just want him to talk to the school because I'm 99% certain that something is going on and that's why she wants to be home and I'm pissed off that he won't and thinks I should, even though I'm not her actual parent, so as someone said the school probably won't discuss it with me (I don't have parental responsibility).

OP posts:
Illpickthatup · 21/03/2024 09:55

Crystallizedring · 21/03/2024 09:19

Absolutely and I know you're all right, which is why I felt able to say no this week.
I find it hard to say no in general though, especially to DH and especially when DSD could be genuinely sick.
I just want him to talk to the school because I'm 99% certain that something is going on and that's why she wants to be home and I'm pissed off that he won't and thinks I should, even though I'm not her actual parent, so as someone said the school probably won't discuss it with me (I don't have parental responsibility).

Show quote history

It's because he's gaslighting you. You say no and point out that it's his responsibility and he turns it round on you and claims you don't care about his child, you're cold hearted etc etc. No body wants to feel like that so it's easier to just say yes and not deal with all the emotional manipulation from DH.

He is a completely CF!! He's dared to say "oh so now you're worried about her?". When has he ever worried about her? He's never worried enough to go and pick her up. He's never worried enough to speak to the school or the doctor. Yet you, the one and only person who has been collecting and looking after her is the person who doesn't care?

I know it's hard. I'm a bit of a people pleaser too, but you need to stand form and keep saying no. Turn it back round on him. Ask him why he isn't concerned enough to do something about his DDs "illnesses".

harriethoyle · 21/03/2024 10:04

God your "D"H sounds a treat. Stand firm @Crystallizedring you sound like you're doing a great job. No doubt if you tried to go up to the school you'd get told off for over-stepping!

Happyinarcon · 21/03/2024 10:10

She’s obviously miserable at school and coming down with anxiety related illnesses. Maybe her parents should look into how they can help her

Scaffoldingisugly · 21/03/2024 10:12

Probably miserable because she has no functioning parent...

Shopper727 · 21/03/2024 10:24

So he’s annoyed you don’t care but he won’t find out why his child keeps coming home from school? Or pick her up? Nor will her mother? Seems very odd to then call you selfish and uncaring? Perhaps she’s unwell because neither of her parents give a shit about her? Why, when he can’t be bothered with the hassle and inconvenience of his first child did this man have 2 more?. Op I don’t think your husband is a nice person and it’s not going to get any better as your own kids get older.