Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

He’s probably the one who gets his dad at his “best” and most enthusiastic, yes.

So you do get every other weekend with just your husband and your own children then? That’s a lot of time.
I don’t think yabu on the birthday thing as it’s a celebration for you so should be your choice of guests, especially if he’s rude to your family - your husband needs to do some parenting and let him know that’s not on and won’t be tolerated.

he has such a better life with his mum
So....what? He doesn't need to see his dad as a result?

I have a mate who would never be rude or hostile or unwelcoming to her step kids but I did notice one day she told me she “had to challenge” her partner on why he seemed more lenient with his kids he didn’t live with. I was amazed at how clueless she was.

He would struggle to apply the exact same degree of discipline to his kids he has zero overnight stays with who see him every couple of weeks, as the kids he has with my friend who he lives with and sees every day. It’s just common sense.

That slightly sterner attitude would most likely be received and perceived very differently from his older kids who don’t get all the other moments of playing around with him that his second set of kids do. And bear in mind it’s all relative but he’s not a massively strict parent with either set of kids.

Additionally, I found it interesting her only concern was her step kids (both nice polite kids)” got away with more” but she wasn’t concerned her own kids got to spent more quality time with their dad. Unfortunately people can be very self absorbed. They only see difference as unfairness when it might be them and theirs getting disadvantaged but are perfectly happy when the shoe is on the other foot.

How about you think, wow isn’t it great my DH is trying to be a good dad to his DS including him in his life. So many men fuck off and never give their kids a second thought when they get into another relationship and have another family. And if you loved your DH you would support him. You don’t have to love your DSS but you could be more supportive of your DH having a positive relationship with his child! If this was reversed, wouldn’t you want your children to continue having a good relationship and be included?

oh and on the comment of him being rude to your family, he’s 8 FFS. Your definition of being rude is not the same as a childs.

And if this 8 year old were your shared child, your DH would likely be doing the same, just EVERY weekend. When your 3 year and 9 month old get hobbies and activities, it sounds like your DH would do the same for them - time to bond and be with dad at an activity they chose. It's parenting older children in an appropriate way.

Despite having been a step parent for a long time, you seem confused that relationships change as children age and can communicate / engage in different ways. Have you made suggestions of things you can do as a family or him and the 3 year old on non contact weekends to share the 'fun dad' time? If you haven't communicated how you're feeling, how is he to know.

The rudeness to your family is a DH thing, he needs to nip that in the bud and warn him that if it continues he won't come to these events, but to not invite him without that step is harsh.

If you carry on acting like this with his son, there is a chance your kids will get the same treatment from your DH - when he's had enough and made you the ex-DW

I'll never understand why some people seem to think if they replace a spouse, that their children will also replace their partner's existing children?

You marry someone with kids. What do you expect them to do? Lock the kids from their first relationship in a cupboard? Of course they shouldn't abandon their children!

You are VVVU.

So they are exempt from discipline because the poor mites have to "suffer" their loving mother the rest of the week?

Jesus. Christ.

YABVU. Can you try to imagine how your husband feels? How would you feel if you two broke up, you had children with a new partner and then he turned around and said he did not want your first two children involved in things as much?

It is very hurtful. He loves his first child the same amount as his subsequent children. He will possibly feel more love towards him as he is not with him all of the time.

You really should not have started a relationship with a man who had a child unless you would be happy for him to be included in everything.

What would you do if something happened to his mother or he decides at 10 that he wants to live with you the majority of the time?

Your children live at home with their dad. His step son doesn't. Imagine if you were a single mum and met someone while didn't want your children included in things. How would that make you feel? Just because he isn't your biological child, it doesn't take away the fact that he is as much related to your husband as your joint children are. Why did you stay with him if you didn't want to treat his child as a complete part of your family?

But he would do this for any of his children, as parents do all across the country

It’s totally different chatting with a 9 year old on the phone who has similar interests I.E. football, than chatting to a 3 year old in person. Yes he should engage with all his children but it’s different. Plus he may feel guilt at having left his first boy’s mother before he was even 2 years old?

He loves his first child the same amount as his subsequent children.

Incorrect. He's favouritism towards the first child is quite obvious. It's not about what he does with DSS when he's there. It's that he does nothing ever with the others. DSS or not.

He will possibly feel more love towards him as he is not with him all of the time.

And this is disgusting. I'll love two children less because DSS doesn't see me for three tea times and every other weekend.

No wonder OP is pissed off. Her children are being treated like crap. But that's ok, because dad sleeps in a room in the same house every night.

Ohh sorry this reads horrible. It's a little 8 year old boy who only gets to see his dad for tea twice a week and then every other weekend. It's sad. That is why divorce is so sad, because you go from having a full time dad to one every other weekend. And then there's always a step mom around to say you have it better than her children. And don't for a second think he does not feel your attitude. Kids aren't stupid. He knows you would rather not have him there.
Look I get wanting your husband all to yourself and your kids, I really do. I wouldn't really want t share my husband with a child that isn't mine and then by extension another woman.
But that is what it is. That is your situation. You chose to marry a father, with responsibilities. Research is very very very clear on how important a father is in a boy's life.
If you have a problem with your dh not spending enough time with your own children, address that! Sure, but don't exclude another child. Just include yours. (and also tbh, he facetimes an 8 year old and asks him losts of questions, you think more so than your 3 and 9 month old. Well, uhm don't you think the 8 year old speaks more than a 3 year old?

I think you’re channelling your upset at the wrong person. An innocent child isn’t at fault, your husband’s inability to treat his children equally is. Seek resolution with him in terms of what he is going to change about this, rather than expecting him to exclude his child.

He will possibly feel more love towards him as he is not with him all of the time.

This silly comment is really going to make OP feel more fondly towards her DSS isn’t it 🤣🤦🏼‍♀️.

Your Step-son is what, 10? Your own children are 3 and not yet 1... of course his father is going to spend more time with him - he is firstly his father and that's his job, he didn't divorce him when his first marriage failed.

A 10 year old is going to need more interaction with his father than a 3 year old for now, who will likely have more need of you, their mother. As your children get older, they will have the same time but his son needs it now. He's not in his life daily, he is there for your children.

I understand about wanting your birthday to be your choice but it was also your choice to marry a man with a family.

Because his dad left early we have to compensate for that for rest of his life do you mean?
It's not compensationg though. It's part of being a family.
If you didn't want step children in your life why did you get with a fella that had a child?

Yes. But you’re not ‘compensating’ for that. You are facilitating a father-son relationship. I find your attitude really hard to take.

YABVU and are at risk if becoming really cold & cruel as a SM. I’m glad you have some awareness so you can adjust your thinking before it’s too late.

Yes. And I say this as a step mother. You knew the circumstances, you chose to get into them.

Also, the child is your children's sibling. Why would you want to create division?

Honestly, you are not only being unreasonable, you are being absolutely vile! I was that child that was not included because my dad’s new wife wanted to keep the new family separate from his old children. It has caused a lifetime of hurt and trauma. You are dealing with a child. Get over yourself and accept that all children should be treated equally!

I mean yes, that’s exactly what needs to happen. He needs to compensate for the fact he’s not there as best as he can, that includes regular meaningful contact and being included in family things. But people, yourself included, don’t seem to think about this when you’re getting into a relationship with someone who already has a child. His responsibility to his child doesn’t go away because you’ve had more kids.

This child is your family. He is the older brother to your children, he is your partners son.
The only person he is not blood related to is you.
You need to get over this. He is your family and he deserves to be involved with everything. He may even wish to live with you all in the future. He is blood connected to 3 people in your family - you are only blood connected to 2. He has more right to be there than you do. Sorry to be harsh but he needs to be included.

It may help if you read some books or articles on the impact of divorce on young children. Yes, there are lifelong repercussions and your DH will need to navigate them for the rest of your DSS life. But it sounds like that is exactly what he is doing by trying to create a strong family unit for your DSS.