Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

Sounds to me like their ages play a part in his interaction with his children

YABU

You knew your DH came as a package deal when you first met him. And seemed put out that a 1yo was clingy on his dad? That's what babies/toddlers are meant to do!
This child is, what? 8/9 now? You honestly don't seem like you like him very much. And while that's not unreasonable, sometimes kids aren't that nice, and you've by no means got to the "nice ages" yet. But if a bunch of strangers on MN are picking up on your obvious annoyance and dislike of this child, then he's also going to know on some level that you're not into him. And will behave accordingly.

Plus, a man who wants to see all his kids treated equally is surely a better catch than one who will abandon a child as soon as they become contrary to the "happy family 2.4 kids" they've built later. How would you have felt if the situation was reversed, and it was YOUR kids being rejected and disliked by a step-mother?

so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us

Really? Uhm. Because he's his child? And he wants him involved and not isolated

This is a big part of it. I don't really care whether it's a DS or a DSS, no one wants to be around a rude child.

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn when the “rude” child is your own you step up and parent them. You don’t just banish them and decide you don’t want anything to do with them. Especially not when they’re 8!

would love to hear some examples of the rudeness🤷‍♀️

Surely that's still a lot less time your dss gets than the children and partner his dad lives with full time get? It's great that he face times him. That's a good non resident parent.
He doesn't even live 50/50 with you

You chose to get into a relationship with a man who had a very young child.

Your children are babies, of course he won’t be having the same conversation. You feel second best. I bet his son feels the same.

Is it really that difficult to find a man who doesn't already have kids if you don't want to include other people's kids in your "little family"? I understand not wanting to be a stepmother - I'm child-free and I didn't event want to be a mother. So I only ever dated men who also didn't want children. I'd never have even gone on a first date with a man who already had them. And that was really easy to do!

Several posts are encouraging you to put yourself first, it's your birthday hun, etc. But isn't the point of raising children that, as the adult, you don't get to do what you want all the time. You don't get to exclude a 9yo and treat them as less than your "little family" - they are part of an existing family that you joined.

It's so important for kids that age to feel included in family love, not rejected from it. About the most important thing you can do to give them emotional security.

Your kids are 3 and 9 months. Exactly how deep a conversation do you expect him to be having with a 9 month old? Come on, 2x teatime and EOW is not a lot of time for a parent to spend with their child. You are being unfair

Don’t talk rubbish. In any family with more than 1 child, each child will do different activities at different times. He’s taking his eldest child to football training - when his middle child is old enough he’d likely take them training too.
He’s not ignoring his other children - he knows what they’re doing all the time because he lives with them all the time!

But he knows what you and your kids are doing as he lives with you?

It will affect the child for many years, you can’t just wipe it out because he can’t just wipe it out.

He is a child if 9 who loves his Dad, was upset as a toddler to see his Daddy disappear from his home, so became clingy. Now he watches his Dad be Daddy to younger children who live with him all the time, while he comes and goes.

How could this not affect him?

Once he is an adult and understands the complexities he might let go of some feelings of insecurity etc.

You are talking about a child, with resentment and coldness.

Errrr yes, within my family and wider family all our children are polite on the whole. They know they are only invited on nice days out if they behave well. Children that misbehave get taken out - it very very rarely happens.

why on earth would you allow children to be rude 🙈 or keep them on a treat if they are misbehaving?

It's actually quite a bit when you add context. Because what you're missing is 5 out of 7 days the child is in FTE so actually the only quality time is, after school ie tea time, and weekends.

So, in a 14 day period, child spends 5 days at school, 3 teatimes with mum, 2 with dad (presumably one of which is the Friday when they go off to football training). Then they spend two quality days with mum. Then, repeat the 5 days as above. Then they spend two quality days with dad.

I appreciate mum does 5 breakfasts and morning school runs. Which is effort and work on her behalf, but not quality time that DS is somehow deprived of dad, from the DS point of view.

‘I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.’

Are you serious?
Why do you want your kids more than every other weekend and 2 dinners? Explain it, I beg you.

Oh here's another one. Can't you lot start your own forum to talk about how even though you knew full well that your husband had a kid when you married him you somehow thought they would disappear when you had your own more important children.

You really do give the rest of us Stepmums a bad name.

Your poor stepson, I'm sure he will be picking up on your feelings towards him.

I hope if your DH ever leaves you his new partner would treat your children better than you clearly treat your stepson.

You DH loves his son and wants him included in his family life. Because he is part of his family and he loves him just as much as he loves the children you have together. This child is your husbands son and your child's siblings. I have half siblings who I love just as much as my 'full' DB. Not like I ever use the words full and half. We are all siblings.

You DH should absolutely go out of his way to make sure his son feels loved and included. Clearly you shouldn't have had children with someone who already had a child.

OK, I've just realised that you must have been 23 when you became step mum to a 2 year old? (Don't tell me, DH is older?) so I do think it's understandable you didn't see the red flag of your partner having a needy child that you often dreaded having around, and anticipate what your life would look like and the compromises you would need to make. So I'm sorry for you for that. I still think there's nothing you can do about it now, other than accept that's how it is and remember they grow up fast and your DSS will want to gradually do less with you anyway.

If I had a partner that felt the way you do about any of my DC then they'd be an ex. You're jealous and dismissive of him. How dare your DH want to see his son that much and FaceTime him, OMG. Seriously can you hear yourself? Put yourself in his shoes, for just a moment. Imagine how it would feel to not have your DC there everyday, for them to have another life you only get glimpses of. It hurts and it is unbelievably hard and no it isn't anywhere near enough time to be in your child's life.

So yes he focuses more intentsly on him because he's not there all the time. Yes he has more questions for the child whose life he's not a daily part of, who's also older, therefore more able to chat and tell him things. You're comparing apples and oranges, interactions with older children are different to those with toddlers. And yes a caring parent who doesn't have their kid full time should be looking for ways they can see them more, include them more. You seem to be missing the fact this is his son and his son is just as precious to him as your joint DC are to both of you. He loves his son and he doesn't get to see him everyday. This is your kids brother, your DH son, not some rival who's stealing his love and attention.

And he chose to have children with two different women. He chose to have more children knowing he wasn’t going to see his eldest as much as his younger children. He can’t now downplay his role as a father to his younger children to make up for his eldest not being there as much, as so many fathers in these situations do. Maybe this is where OP’s frustration is coming from.

Yes

So the child who gets his dad for tea twice a week and every second weekend is the one who is the lucky one. Right. Jeezo.

OP, you were silly to post this in the saints' section of MN.

I'm assuming that when SC is with you you treat them with love and respect and don't exclude them from anything you do as a family? Then you're not being unreasonable to want to do things with your own DC at other times. You get to have feelings too.

You're being unreasonable. I find it very odd that you say it's rude to your family to invite your stepson?! How on earth is that rude? He's your husband's son! Part of the family.
Don't marry a man with a child if you want to exclude him. Poor boy, he'll definitely sense the fact he's unwanted by you as he gets older.

You partnered with a man with a child. Why is it a surprise to you that he wants his son included in family life? It’s his son FGS. He’s not just going to be banished to his Mother’s house now you finally got your little family.