Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

@Sky1248

You know from day one that your partner came as package including his son,
No surprises there,
he is probably spolt either cause both or one of his parents indulges him out of pure guilt over compensates to make up for the effect emotionally implication,
also his clingness is part of this

And you should invited step son even it's just short while as part of this big family upcoming event..

Try and be a bit more effort being understanding

If they were all your kids at those ages then your younger kids would be seeing him even less because he’d be doing the sports activities every week. That’s the reality of parenting that age kids. Be thankful your younger kids get some weekends with their dad, purely because of the eow arrangement.

Typo mistake I ment divorce

The reason he wants to have his son with him all the time is the same reason you want your children with you.

A nine year old needs very different attention to a 3yo and a baby. You are going to get much more interesting and in depth conversations from a 9yo which is probably why he seems to spend more time talking to his son than his younger ones.

I think at a primal level you see your SC as competition to your own children and he takes away attention and resources from them. In reality he is going to be a significant person in their lives as they grow up and nurturing that sibling bond now will pay off in the long term and that is probably what your husband is trying to do. They are all his children.

We all feel things for a reason so that needs unpicking and addressing. Try and strengthen your own bond with your SC, he's been in your life since he was little more than a baby.

YABU to marry someone with a kid if that kid isn't welcome at all times to be honest. If god forbid something happened to his mother, he'd be with you all the time.

However, I can understand your frustration that you don't feel your kids get the same attention. That's probably partly an age thing anyway, and partly understandable if your DH's time with his son is more limited he wants to make the most of it, but it's not acceptable for him to ignore the other kids or always be off doing nice things with the eldest while you do the hard work with the younger ones. My friend had similar issues with her DH and her dsd. They are now an ex DH and I remember her saying he was a better absent parent to her son than he had been a resident one, just like had happened to her dsd.

Could you talk to him about that - ask him to arrange more things for you all to do together, not him and dss off by themselves, and to make more effort to take an interest on the younger ones, do nice things with them on the weekends he doesn't have dss etc?

And if course your dss should be told off if he is rude.

However, the answer isn't to see less of your dss or exclude him from family meals!

You keep saying our kids as if your step son is not your husband’s child. He is part of your family.

He’ll be his Dad for the rest of his life yes, if that’s what you mean?

Have you spoken to your DH about this? I think he sounds like a wonderful dad for making such an effort to have a great relationship with the son that doesn’t live full time with him. He may be over compensating with bonding time, and the DC you share, are getting left out a bit.

Work with him to ensure all kids are included and treated equally, including family events with your family. You sound like you’re saying your DSS is not yours and so you’re treating him differently. As a result, maybe DH is doing your share of parenting your DSS for you too. This is then leaving you to take care of your DC that you share.

Sounds like you need to align on expectations and how you’re going to raise your children together. Including DSS.

Your thread title says "don't want stepson all the time", but you don't have him that much - should it actually say "don't want stepson at all"?

How would you feel about one of your children if you didn't see them 5 days a week or every other weekend? Would you maybe want to facetime them regularly? Be as involved as possible when you are with them? If you feel your DH isn't caring enough to your younger children, or that your stepson is rude or badly behaved, that's a separate issue. Maybe your DH finds it easier to connect with an older child than a baby and toddler?

YABU in general but your birthday, your choice.

I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

It’s because he loves him, just as much as the two children you have together. This is actually a sign that he is a good person and a loving father.

I'm assuming that when SC is with you you treat them with love and respect and don't exclude them from anything you do as a family?

This is a weird thing to assume given that the OP is about wanting to exclude them from a thing they are doing as a family.

YANBU

Yes he is part of your family, but he has his mum's family as well
There was no reason to specifically bring him to your birthday.

It would be wrong to do all fun things without him, but it would be equally wrong to forceyou to sit at home on his mum's weekends and do the fun stuff only with him.

It's a DH problem. He needs to give the younger ones more of his time. And also address the rudeness.

You don't have to accept rude behaviour.

Op I think you should have therapy or family therapy. Your H probably feels very sad and guilty that he lives with 2 kids and gives some attention to the older boy to try and ensure he feels included.

It's unbelivably sad that you resent your husbands child coming for tea! This is his son - you are now married with joint children so this boy is your family. He should be welcome at any moment and at every family occasion.

Can you do a thought experiment - imagine you and your H break up - how do you want him to treat your children if he moves in with another woman? Would you like him to start 'phasing them out' not treating them as well as the children he then has with her?

OP, your level of emotional intelligence is evidently so lacking, I’m not sure this can be explained to you.
So just believe us - YABU

Your DH will see and love his son as equal as the two children he has with you, reasonable to want them to be included in family events

You don't understand why your husband wants his child with him?

Ffs.

YABU

This is a sign he is a GOOD DAD and good person

These threads baffle me

Why would you want to have children with a man who can’t be bothered with his older kids??

also - 9 year olds are less 'sweet' in family company than little kids - that's life - I see that with my own children. The 9 year old may struggle to make good conversation or always be well behaved with your family - that just needs to be dealt with as normal child-like behaviour! thats what you are there for as parents - to guide him.

As a Step-child both ways (both parents remarried) please please consider his feelings in this. I felt so unwanted in both houses, especially when my parents went on to have ‘new’ families. I didn’t feel at home anywhere and however subtle they may have thought they were being, I experienced constant micro rejections. Your husband was a father when you met him, imagine how you would feel if you were divorced and your precious child was spending time with someone who didn’t want them in their home. He is clingy because he is insecure in his place in your lives.

Your mistake OP was forming a relationship with a father when you can’t handle the fact he has children. This is a little boy we are talking about - it was not his choice his parents split up.

So the child's Dad has new wife and kids, and you don't want him all the time.

What if his Mum gets a new husband more kids, and the new husband doesn't want him all the time.

The poor child, suddenly becomes second best for you all just because the original relationship broke down and new partners complain he's included in family events.

Be careful , you never know it could be you and your children in that position one day and how would you feel for your children if that was them.