Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

Oh God you’re unreal. Perhaps, you know, he misses his child and feels guilt. Perhaps his son is jealous his dad has moved on and has replaced him with another family and a woman with no empathy, who obviously wishes he would disappear.

It’s not compensating. It’s parenting. YABVU.

This!!

It's likely OP chose to have DC having witnessed how good dad was with existing child. She then has additional child(ren). Dad treats them like second class citizens.

DSS should not be king of the house because he shares custody between two houses. He's just one of three children. No better. Not the priority. They should be equal.

Some posters are convinced that unless a SC walks on a rolled out red carpet at dads house they are being treated unfairly. Because what? Because the poor things have to live with their loving mother for the rest of the week.

Three children. Treat them the same. Adjust for ages obviously.

This is pretty standard for families with children of different ages/interests. It seems you are segregating your children and their half brother. This is creating your problem. If you embraced your DSS you would eliminate alot of this.
He was in his Dad's life before you were, and it's a shame his Dad chose someone who was not willing to welcome his child into his new family.

Op I hear you although you will get your arse handed to you on here.

As a step mum you are expected to bend over backward to facilitate the step child and you and your children must be subservient to their needs above all else. After all you knew your partner had a child when you met him. How dare you think you might be allowed to decide who you celebrate you birthday with.

I don't understand why the step child has to attend the birthday? Surely he will go to his own mother's birthday celebration.

If it was his dad's birthday or his siblings then of course he should be invited but his step mum's no, I don't agree.

All I would say is from your children's perspective he is just their brother not a half brother. It might just be you that feels like you need some space so you need to create that for yourself.

Personally I would leave all three kids with your DH and go on your own to the meal. It will be more relaxing for you and the kids will probably just be bored.

Similarly on some weekends plan to do something with just the 3 yr old and your DH can then entertain the baby and his ds.

Another week suggest that your DH take 3 year old and step son out together e.g. swimming and you get some time with the baby.

All of you dragging round together all the time with such a big age range isn't actually that much fun so let your DH step up.

Turn it around.

If you and your DH split, would ‘tea twice a week and then every other weekend’ feel enough time for you with your children?

It isn't a lot of time.

I initially voted YABU as your whole post was just so uncomfortable to read. Can't understand why he wants to include his son? Give me a break.
However, strictly on the question you asked - YANBU. You should be able to do stuff without your DSS. He is only there for half of weekends. Your children's lives should continue as normal when he's not there. You shouldn't all be in a state of suspended animation waiting for him to return. It's ok to have fun without him and important that the younger ones get some focused time with dad too.
And you should be able to have who you want to see at your own birthday dinner.

Exactly, if the step is being rude to the OP's family and his father won't deal with him then the OP tells the not what he's doing is brattish, if she is expected to tolerate his presence she had the right to discipline him .

Didn't you think ahead to consider what life might be like with your partner having a child from a previous relationship? Any good father will always put his child before you.

If stepmums don't want stepkids around don't marry a man who already has kids.
I can just imagine the op in a few years if her marriage breaks down on here complaing her ex doesn't spend enough time with their kids. And I'm not convinced the child is rude, we've only got op's word for that. Seems like a good dad to me wanting to include all his children in family events. Because he IS part of the family like it or not op.

YABU 100%

He is 9 years old, your DH can engage with him in a totally different way than your children. If you had a 9yo together he would speak to them more about their interests surely? I think it’s pretty normal for some parents to be better at the older stage, as they can interact on a less child like level.

The reality is, he will make more effort to compensate for the fact he is not with him every day, as he is with your shared children. It doesn’t mean he loves him more, it means the situation is different and he needs to go out of his way a bit to show that love and interest, whereas your children get the stability and consistency of his presence as a full time dad.

I appreciate you want time just as a family but surely you still get time for that? He’s not going to want to attend when you do toddler friendly activities for your shared DC.

If you feel that your shared DC don’t get the love and attention they should from their dad, that is absolutely nothing to do with your DSS. If your DSS behaviour is poor then that is a totally separate issue to discuss and address with your DH, but it is totally reasonable that he wants him around as much as he does and makes the effort he does with him.

I say this as the mum to a newborn and toddler and stepmum to DSS who is 9 where I have also been with dad for 7 years.

I can understand him wanting his child to be included if you are doing things on the weekend his child is there- but it would be unfair if he is only planning fun things for the weekend his child is there or is holding off doing fun things with his other children.

It can’t be much fun for your kids if they only get nice treat type outings when his kid is there.

As for your birthday, I agree with you completely- if the child is always rude, why on earth would you want them there? If your DH wants him to be included, he needs to actually parent him and make sure he behaves

Maybe his wife gave him reasons to leave early, not all women are innocent in a break up.

@Sky1248 I don't think your SS is the problem. I think the REAL problem is the lack of interaction, effort and quality time he offers your children. Everything he does with his son are normal good dad things. However, he's not taking the time to do them with your kids because they are always around and he's taking that for granted. I think you'd be less resentful if he actively parented your kids. Anyhow, it'd something to think on.

But does he do that because he feels his son is "not wanted" in your house and he is trying to make his son feel as loved and valued by him as your shared DC. It's a tricky road to navigate and it sounds like he is trying hard to be a good dad to all his children.

How would you feel if your partner said he didn't want your 2 at family events?

@Herdinggoats because that child is part of your family? Would you leave one of your own children out of an event because they are rude?

Step children aren’t optional extras that can only be included if they behave well.

This is an example of why blended families tend to never work...

‘Tend to never’

What does that mean?

That’s what I was wondering. If it’s a case where her husband can’t bring himself to spend quality time with youngest children out of guilt towards his eldest, then of course OP will be thinking “hang on a minute…” when he buggers off out spending quality time with his eldest.

It will be interesting to know the answer to this.

YABU big time. I have a stepdaughter and a bio daughter and made sure the two are treated like both my daughters, no division. We even called my stepdaughter's mum- mama Jen so that my daughter knew that there's another mama. Guess where my daughter stayed over last night- at mama Jen's! They went to theatre together last night.

@Nagado

How would you feel if your marriage broke up and your children suddenly became optional extras to his new family?

OP probably wouldn't want for her DC to be invited to the new partner's significant birthday celebration. Especially if it was on OPs contact time.

If this is real I feel so sorry for DS. How will you feel when you and DH split and he only sees your children occasionally because the new woman doesn't want to include them?

I think this is a wind up to get people to bite…… but anyway… he obviously over compensates with his son, as he feels guilty about not being with him all the time, and he sounds like a good dad, always reaching out to his son. Your two children live with their dad, so presumably get his full attention when DSC isn’t there. You sounds jealous of their relationship. Please try and include your stepson more, when it’s his days living with you, he should be invited to family events. If he’s not behaving and being disrespectful to your family, you have got to get your DH to sort this, and explain why. Come on you know YABU.

You are yes. Because nothing has changed in the relationship your husband has with his son, you knew what that looked like and went ahead to have children with him anyway, when it should have been obvious his son would continue to be a priority to him. The time to agree the role first families will have in second ones is before you have the second one. And if one of you thinks first children should be always included and the other doesn't, then you're not compatible. From where you are now, I'd say focus on the child's behaviour as the reason not to include him if thats an issue, rather than talking about time with your 'own children', as as far as your husband is concerned they're all his own children, so why would he want one of them not to be there?