Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

Why does the half matter?

I never think about my siblings as being half. That's my brother and sister.

You know how you would want your DH to love your children? Well that's how it should be for your step son too.

Completely separate issue about discipline for being rude. Your husband needs to parent and explain being rude is not acceptable

You know you are being completely unreasonable.

You married someone you knew already had a young child. It is perfectly right that your husband would want his son to be an integral part of his new family.

As for the kid being 'clingy'. His parents divorced when he was really young and he is probably worried on some level that his father is going to disappear and abandon him completely.

Why did you expect? a child is not an inconvenient accessory you just put aside when you have a new partner and kids.

This is what gives step parents a bad name. Your partner is a good father and has the right attitude. You don't...

You know he’s not keen on young children as he buggered off from his young DS. I doubt it’s any particular favourite thing he just finds his older child more interesting/ easier. From this, I would assume he’s quite selfish generally.

because her partner has a child and if you’re married or in a long term relationship you have a step child. Very different from a pissed up uncle.

Unless the behavioral issues are very significant, you deal with them, give them the Scarborough warning, and treat them like part of the family, so if biological kids are coming, they’re all coming.

I actually feel he is more bothered about my stepson having fun or making sure he’s happy than our children.

Intetesting wording. Yes, it’s your stepson but it’s his biological child so also his child too. And he was the father of that child before he was the father of “your children”

I’m not saying your statement is true or not but either way would’ve made more sense to say he is “more bothered about his eldest child/first born that he doesn’t live with having fun….”

Agree with pp saying it doesn’t sound like you’re cut out to be a stepparent. I wish more people with kids would vet their partners better before inflicting unsuitable, indifferent or, even in some cases, hostile step-parents upon them.

I told a man I’m not interested as they have kids and step-parenting isn’t for me. And they’ve said oh it doesn’t matter if I like their kids around or not as they can “keep them out the way”.

Grim. That got him an immediate block.

OP, do you not do anything with DH and your DC on the weekends you don't have SS? If your DH is refusing to do things without SS on the weekends he doenst have them, then yes I would be fuming. If not then I don't really see the issue, SS is older and has age appropriate hobbies which means doing things separately, that's really normal when you have children with age gaps.

Never understood women who are in a relationship with someone who has a child and then moans when their partner wants them included in family events etc. Don’t want a stepchild, don’t choose a partner with a child. Simple.

The unfortunate woman assumes that the DF will give as much love and attention to their shared DCs as his first child - then he doesn’t - I doubt any woman could predict this.

Yet another woman who marries a man who already has children, throws out a couple of kids and then expects man to desert his parental responsibilities to the older children.

I despair, I really do.

Are you my stepmother reincarnated she treated me like the maggot in the family. Just hope the poor lad never has to live with you permanently.
You knew he existed before you married his dad.
If you didn’t like the package you shouldn’t have opened it!

Yes.

He has three children with a big age gap.
A big consequence of that is that he will.need to do things with the older one because they have activities etc. Toddlers and babies don't do competitive sport.

I think it's absolutely brilliant that he is trying to make sure that you do things together as a five, so that the younger ones are included. Rather than simply doing things with the oldest child

What's the Scarborough warning?

I’m sorry but noticed the timing on this… when you met your stepson he was 2? You must have been in a relationship for a while before that so essentially he left his partner and very young baby for another woman, sounds like a diamond geezer…

You knew he had a young child when you got together so you signed up to have them both as part of your life. Just because you have kids and want your little nuclear family it doesn’t mean you can exclude your stepson. If he’s being rude etc then get your partner to address it.
YABU.

I feel genuinely sad about the number of threads on this theme.

I wish there was a requirement for some sort of test before people had children particularly with someone who already has children. Poor kid

Well your husband certainly does. If he dumped you and your children and had another family you’d be livid if he treated them the way you expect him to treat his first born, it’s not rocket science.

A final warning - any more of this and ….. consequence.

I forget that it’s a weird one that no one’s ever heard of.

"Left early"?

I genuinely can't believe what I'm reading. That poor child.

What I'm puzzled about is why you became a stepmother in the first place - you knew he had a child, it's not news. It's his child, for heaven's sake, he has three kids, not two.

You have to decide whether you can cope with it or not, nobody else can do that for you. Kids are for life, not just for Christmas - yes? How would you like it if someone in a few years time was posting this about your children?

Seems this is the issue it isn’t being dealt with. I have an open and honest exchange with my partner and he has told me if they’re doing anything you don’t like you can tell them. He asks I don’t shout or swear or hit of course but otherwise I can deal. It would seem in this case, her partner is dealing with it, she isn’t allowed to deal with him and they can’t speak openly because hubby doesn’t want to hear a bad word said against his kid. Op is left feeling I’m sure, like she is in a situation that affects her and she has no say. Her saying no is her saying I don’t like his behaviour it’s not stopping so I’m avoiding it or trying to. Most step kids tolerate SM as much as the other way round. I don’t see why as SM’s we should be expected to never express any desire to prefer if the step kids weren’t around. I have friends with kids whom I love but sometimes I say adults only sorry. The kids they share as op has a say in wouldn’t be causing bother and upset hence another reason not a problem if they are there. Has anyone paused to think would the step kid actually like to be at a 30th birthday celebration surrounding by his SM’s family? I mean, I don’t it.

You mean you're jealous?

It sounds like he is trying to be a good dad to his eldest child, he may have some guilt around leaving him and maybe is trying to be the best Dad he can despite not being there all the time.
Also at 8/9yo you are able to have proper conversations with them, unlike a 3yo and 9mo (I think that's what age you said your DC are?), some parents struggle to relate to younger children but this improves as they get older. They also share an interest with the football which is great.
I understand it's hard to feel like your DC aren't as important, but I doubt this is true, especially as he is portraying such great "dadding" skills to his older child. Also when you got with him you knew he had a child already so there have always been at least 3 of you in the relationship from the start. I would be happy that he steps up to his responsibilities tbh, I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't.
There are 5 of you in this family, you need to accept that and accept this young boy, welcome him and try to build relationships between all of you. I would speak to your dp about addressing the rudeness though, that is not ok.

@ClutchingOurBananas

Rafting2022
Right first time!

ah Open admission that the SM and the younger children must do penance for their existence.

Honestly, this attitude is ridiculous.

So deserting daddy should just walk away? Your attitude is what sucks.

She made a choice to marry and had children with a man who already had children.

That little bot chose none of it.