Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

Your husband really needs to be having a word about rudeness to his son.

I struggle to understand what you think he shouldn't want his son at every event? Surely you want your children at them? It's exactly the same thing, regardless of the event. Maybe SS should be given the choice of if he even wants to come, and if he does, then chat about rudeness.

Ehm yes? Your DH had a son so he has to be his father for the rest of his life. Glad we cleared that up.

Yabu, he wants to include him because he is his son and equal to the other two children in his eyes. Of course he wants him at special occasions, but dad needs to step up and parent him including teaching him good manners, polite behaviour, not to be rude etc.

As a stepparent you need to be aware that your stepchildren may come and live with you full time at some point too so if anyone reading this is considering getting into a more serious relationship with a person with existing children factor that in! My dsd lives with us full time, never stays at her mums (she's an adult now), one of my DD's lives here too, other has left home. We include her in all family events with my family, of course she's older so can say no but it's important to offer

It’s not really the same then as you aren’t inviting 2 out of your husband’s 3 kids to a birthday celebration.

Not inviting stepkids out for a meal that falls on their non contact day, fine. You are right, it’s fine to do things with your own nuclear family.

Not inviting stepkids to a celebration for stepmum’s significant birthday - not fine. It’s not the same thing and of course they should be invited.

Dinner twice a week and every other weekend??? How can you have an issue with the fact he sees his child TWICE a week. His son was born before yours, he doesn’t get to see him everyday and spends day in day out with your children. The jealousy is unbelievable.

I find it so sad that a single woman with children expects a new man to take them on and treat them equally with any joint children. There would be howls of outrage if he suggests having a birthday meal and only inviting joint children. One MN m poster boasted that her husband often couldn't remember which of the children were biologically his.
Compare that to some step mums who display transparent dislike towards step children. There is a lot of formal research that shows step mothers find it harder to bond with step children than step fathers. Indeed the historic representations of step parents is unpleasant. You only have to read on here how many step mums try to cut out step children from the family.
Not all step mothers obviously. Many do a brilliant job. I do think a father who insists on having a strong relationship with his children even after divorce is a good father.
it harder to

Yes. Yes you do obviously! As his dad left early he might do so again, he has form. If/When that happens, would you not want him to make an effort with your two children? Or would you be happy with him only including his new family? Would you be happy with his new wife preferring to not have your 'clingy' children there at family events?

There are several issues here. DSS always being included in family events is as should be, he is part of the family.
Having said that, his behaviour should be addressed. He can't be nasty to other family members. It isn't right to be rude and I am sure that this is behaviour you would not tolerate from the other children.
Your DH cannot play favourites and needs to ensure that all his children get an equal amount of attention and interaction.

Wow you are definitely being unreasonable. Can you imagine only seeing your dc 2 nights a week and every other weekend. You shouldn't have gotten involved with someone with a young child if you can't deal with this. I'm surprised now you have dc of your own you can't see why your husband wants his son included.

Wow! YABVU your DH sounds like a great Dad, he wants is son included because....he's his son and always will be. He's part of your family just as much as your own DC are. You need to deal with it.

I think it depends on when the meal is scheduled for - if it’s a time when SS wouldn’t usually be there then YANBU not to invite him.

Why would he necessarily want to come to an event about you, with your family who have nothing to do with him? Your parents etc aren’t his grandparents, although I’m sure there will be posters who’ll bleat on about the fact that he should be treated as such. Obviously if it was for DH’s birthday that would be different.

YABU. You married someone with a child. That stepchild IS your child. I honestly don’t understand why people enter relationships with someone that has kids if they aren’t prepared to treat those children equally and embrace them as family. If your 3yo was ‘rude to your family’ would you leave them out too? My guess is no. So clearly it’s not about his behaviour, it’s about the fact you just don’t value him as part of your family, even after 7 years.

Good on your husband for sticking up for his child and making effort to be in his life despite not having full custody. You complain that his son gets too much attention but you and your younger kids live with him full time, his son doesn’t, so of course that relationship takes more active effort to maintain. If your issue is about attention, just tell your husband you would like if he asked you/the younger kids about their day and what they’re up to as well. Time spent with his son there too shouldn’t subtract from it still being quality time as a family. I’m sure when the little ones are older he will be just as proactive with facilitating their hobbies/activities too. In fact it all seems like a huge green flag that your husband seems really involved and genuinely interested in his children. He sounds like a great dad.

It's not compensating you absolute tool! He's his dad! Of course he should be included in the family group. You got with your partner knowing he had a child already. Think about what relationship you would want your partner to have with your two children if he left you. Would you want his new partner to be sick of him including them in his new life?

It would annoy me too especially if he was rude, but that’s why I wouldn’t knowingly get with someone who had kids.

You knew he had a child when you got with him so YABVU.

I hope the poor kid doesn’t sense he is unwanted.

If you saw your children every other weekend and then a few times for dinner would it be enough?

ISurely not.

you absolute tool

🤣 brilliant, so concise. 🤣🤣🤣

(I will be trying to drop this into conversation today)

I’m sorry we disagree. The two that live there are just that already there, the 3rd isn’t. It may seem harsh but if he is rude and unpleasant i wouldn’t be inviting him but me and my partner speak openly and honestly. I’d tell him I don’t want your kid coming because he is rude and unpleasant. You don’t deal with this and I don’t want to be upset and I don’t want my family upset on my birthday.

I’ve had my last two birthday ruined by his youngest because he has upset friends and family. I told him straight that happens again and I will deal with it because it will not be happening a 3rd time.

there are elements of the post I don’t agree with re contact but the who you choose to spend your birthday with, no that’s firmly ops choice. You wouldn’t invite your uncle who gets pissed and upsets people just because he is family so why should she have her day dimmed because her partner has a child

Did you think when you had DC with him that he would just ‘forget’ his other son? Some dad’s do I don’t doubt but the fact that your DH hasn’t sets him out as a good man. Would you really want a man who leaves out one of his children as father to yours? Would you really be ok if he didn’t want one of your DC at events either? More importantly if you split with him and he finds another woman to have DC with, would you be ok with him just forgetting your children? My guess is you wouldn’t.

The quicker you realise that he doesn’t love your DC any more than his other son the easier things will be for you.

Tea twice a week and EOW, then he has the audacity to FaceTime in between?!

LTB!

I also wouldn’t be quick to believe the OP’s assertion that this child is rude and unpleasant, she just wants people to agree with her. Do you notice when step mums post the step children are always rude (or just normal children who they happen to not like or see as competition to their own DC).

Ffs another one.

He had a child when you got together. He was no longer with the mother and therefore not seeing the child everyday.

He therefore needs to make double or triple the effort to engage with his son because he doesn't live with him

That is the baseline. That is the minimum he should do. That is what you should expect.

If you choose to have more children with that man then you absolutely should be expecting him to spend his free time with his child. And for that child to be a part of all the main events of your life.

If you didn't want the child around, then you shouldn't be with his father

Oh how pathetic. I just cannot fathom why some women get with men who have kids! It’s insane.

You can't really have in depth conversations with a 3 year old and a 9 month old...
If he's not pulling his weight at home that is an entirely different matter.

I think the first born gets more attention than the rest - but also an 8 year old is more fun to spend time with than a toddler.
Hopefully DH will shape up when younger ones are older but as they aren’t first born the novelty will have worn off a bit so I wouldn’t bank on it.
Being rude to your family is DSS punishing you for what his DF did as he wouldn’t push DF away. Not sure what the answer is. An honest discussion with DH?

This is a big part of it. I don't really care whether it's a DS or a DSS, no one wants to be around a rude child. And he's not allowed to be rude because his parents separated so he can be rude to whoever he likes, especially your family. This needs dealing with. He's going to grow into a rude adult which will do him no favours in life.

If he was more pleasant to be around, you would be more accepting of his presence. This is on DH who seems to think the answer is everyone needs to be more tolerant of his rudeness and allow it.

The second issue is the focus on DSS and nothing else when he's there, compared with little focus on the two resident children even when DSS isn't. The answer isn't getting het up over what DSS does with dad and trying to quash it. Dad needs to be doing focussed things with the other two as well, and he has every other weekend to do that. Why is he taking one child training every Friday, and to matches Saturdays and Sundays, but doing nothing ever with the others, when he has plenty of time to do so?

Is it an age thing? DTwins are 4 and only just started their first "club" activity last week. We tried last year, but they didn't listen and just ran around. Maybe when the smaller two are older you will find he does exactly the same for them?