Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

Your kids are 3 & 9 months? His son is 8? 9? Of course he is going to have completely different conversations with him.

Honestly yabvu
He speaks on the phone
Has tea twice a week and sees his dad eow.
That's not a huge amount time!

Uh ...yes
I have 2 step sons.
All grown up now.
Love them to bits
Loyalty to us is amazing

Your dh is being that typical shit-dad who is only interested in the children when they get to an age that they have similar interests. You read about it loads on here, man not doing anything with baby / toddler / preschooler and women always pop along to justify it and say their partner got better when the child was showing an interest in what shit-dad wanted to be interested in.

so, because he is ignoring your children, you be their cheerleader. Make sure they have their own hobbies / activities and shit-dad can join in but you lead. Of course he would behave differently towards an older child, but that doesn't mean you dont engage with the younger children at all.

he is sharing cooking / cleaning / organising your family life equally isnt he? Beyond this issues how much of an equal partner is he?

That really can't be right .... dh is just trying to keep ss involved.

You say he -stepson- is rude to your family
What does he do or say
?

No - because his dad chose to have a child that child needs to be considered for the rest of his life.

Just like the kids he has with you.

They are all equal to him.

Behaviour is something that needs to be managed but 9 is an awkward age. Doesn’t get much better until 16. Yours will be difficult too. Yes you do need to include your husband’s other child in family events.

Im a step parent myself and I do understand your feelings, as in your eyes you want your own children to come first at all times and to have your own family unit, but still, Yabu. If your DH appears to be more interested in your SS at times, this is likely not the case, but because he likely feels bad for not seeing him everyday anymore, where at home I’m assuming he sees his children with you every day, every night etc, he may feel he needs to do more to make sure his son feels included in his life. Your SS is only little, he still needs both of his parents to provide him with stability and love. It’s hard being a step parent I know, but that is the life you sign up to when getting involved with someone who already has children.

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

Why did you have children with this man OP?

Again, you seem to be another woman that totally disregards the existing child - who in this case was barely out of babyhood - and hopes their father will too.

Your posts reveal you to be deeply unpleasant and I hope your marriage survives so you don't have to see your own dc sidelined and referred to as clingy by a woman who doesn't want them around.

As for him being rude to your family, I call BS! You dislike this boy and resent him whilst being jealous of any attention and time his dad gives him.

I can understand why you might feel that way but it is unreasonable. You entered the relationship knowing about his son and they are a package. I'm pleased your DH is being a good Dad and advocating for him.

It's a lot easier to have a proper conversation with a nine-year-old than with a three-year-old.

What would you feel like OP if you saw your children as little as your DP sees your stepson?

If you are inviting your family then your husband should be allowed to invite his. You sound a bit controlling.
Your step son was around before you. You can't separate him from his father.

Would you find it reasonable for your husband to exclude your children together from events? If you think this would be unreasonable then you have your answer as to why your husband includes his son. You knew he had a child when you got together with him and now you want to exclude that child from your family. News flash - that child is part of your family.
You sound selfish and pretty awful, wanting to exclude a child whose life was disrupted who has been in your life since he was 2 is low. If you didn’t want a step child you shouldn’t have got together with a man who already had a child.

What kind of in-depth questions should he be asking a nine month old?

On the plus side, your husband sounds like a great father so good choice of father for your own kids.

And of course his son is more fun to talk to and do stuff with than a toddler and a baby. It's hardly weird he FaceTimes his son and has a chat with him.

No you aren’t being unreasonable. It’s your birthday! If my birthday falls at a date / time we have the kids I just swallow it but if my birthday is not on a kid weekend / day and he says I’m going to bring the boys I vocalise id rather you didn’t. It is ok to not want kids around step kids or otherwise! Another example my grandads anniversary we all get together have food. He said I’ll pick up the boys and join you. I said no thank you. He was so upset. I explained I was sorry but the day is about me and my family being together to celebrate my grandads life. I do not want that to turn into watching the kids enduring they are eating with manners, not misbehaving. I explained they are welcome most of the time but sometimes I’m really sorry it’s just not appropriate. When people have kids together sometimes they get baby sitters to do things without the kids, don’t see why if they’re step kids it’s suddenly horrific to want to do things without them! My life doesn’t stop because his children exist.

What do you do with the children you have together?

2 tea a week and one weekend is less than 50% - way less.

What timetable would you actually be happy with OP?

Lots of people on here aren't stepparents... it's a complicated dynamic.

I think YABVU to suggest him coming for dinner a couple of times a week, EOW, and facetiming, is somehow too much. That's his son.

We have my stepdaughter full-time after her 'mother' neglected her through alcoholism and drank herself to death. It's not always easy for any of us (DSD most affected of course) but we try our best.

I think it's reasonable to ask that he doesn't attend your birthday meal if he's rude to your family, though. That's not on and your DH needs to deal with that.

This is exactly why I would never get together with someone who already had children. You almost always aren’t one big blended happy family.

We don’t share children together. I didn’t say we did. I said parents who are together and have kids do things without their kids so I don’t get why step parents aren’t allowed to say hey sorry this one isn’t for them.

Wouldn't you want that,at the very least, if you were no longer living with your children all the time.

Imagine typing all that out and choosing to be such an embarrassment online 😆

He's a member of your family, he's your children's brother and your DH"s son.
He's their half brother actually.