Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

I've screenshot this. It is absolute fact and I've seen it happen multiple times. Ended a friendship with somebody who treated her step-daughter like shit just for having the temerity to exist. Unfortunately in my case, Dad did abandon because OW absolutely hated and resented our little boy. I'm very lucky to have a wonderful stepmum but in my experience, she's the minority.

GoodnightAdeline - possible one of the most accurate posts I have er seen on this forum.
Sophisticated malignant gaslighting of a child to make them feel they are the problem so they stay away.
Thank you for articulating what many of us know md some but not all stepaparentsdo.

I didn’t do anything to you on purpose. I didn’t even know who you were. I had to go through the thread to find out.

To be fair, I am rather lovely though.

Either way @StormingNorman do not be ignorant to what I actually said and read what I wrote because I’m not some wicked step mum… far from it. He has his own mother who does want to see him so she has no problems doing so. She even offered to have my child once over night to let me and my partner have a night off. You found problems that are not even there but then again you don’t live my life so you can’t see.

you made out as if I make my partner choose between us and that we never see my step child when it couldn’t be further from the truth. You insinuated things that wasn’t even written. Not once did I write how much I’m against my step son and his mum because I am not . You put those words into existence not me YOU all by yourself

Your warped thinking is demonstrated in your post when you write:

"however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything.."

He is your husband's son and your step son.

That is perhaps accurate in some cases.

Not all though - what about the stepmothers who already had children themselves? They make up the majority of the posts on this board.

Yes there can be a stepmum 'script'. I accept the one upthread happens in some cases, there are nasty people in all walks of life and some parents will chose to partner up with people like this. What I don't like is the implication that it is the stepmum script. I also read it thinking "WHY ISN'T THIS CALLED THE 'SEPARATED PARENT SCRIPT?!" That script couldn't even exist let alone get off the ground without the biological parent making that decision to bring a step parent figure into their children's lives yet their role in these situations is nearly always reduced to that of passive bystander. Allegedly DSC always know if a SM is faking being nice to them so I find it hard to believe things can get to "phase 2" without the warning signs being there.

Here's an alternative version of a stepmum 'script':

Phase 1, dating. The dad makes time for his new partner and is clear that whilst he will prioritise his children's needs, everyone's wants will be balanced. SM likes kids and they like her; she gets on well with her nieces, nephews etc. She knows she will need to make sacrifices but is happy because him being a good father is indicative of him being a good man. She eventually meets DSC and is warm and friendly to them; DSC play up towards her sometimes but SM puts it down to teething troubles and assumes things will settle down once DSC see she's a nice person. She wants to be a team with her DP and is keen to show DSC she welcomes/accepts them therefore she helps out with cooking, laundry, babysitting etc.

Phase 2, wedding. DSC mother is upset the relationship is obviously serious and starts badmouthing now-DH/SM to the children. DSC like SM but feel loyalty binds and start being rude/blanking her. DH tells them off. DSC report this back to Ex who kicks off and threatens to stop contact. DH is too scared to discipline DSC when they misbehave in future and starts Disney Dadding for fear they stop coming over, putting DSC's wants over everyone else's by default.

Phase 3, SM complains that DSC are blanking her/being rude/not being given boundaries and DH is doing nothing about it. DH hears "you hate my children/you don't want them here" despite SM still doing DSC cooking, laundry, babysitting them etc. SM tries to implement some boundaries herself but DH tells her she's not their parent so it's not her place to do so. SM isn't ready to leave DH as their relationship is otherwise good so she does the only other thing within her control and steps back from doing so much for DSC, leaving the majority of their parenting to DH.

Phase 4, the DSC have picked up on the fact that SM doesn't make dinner as much or look after them by herself anymore. Being kids they don't recognise their dad was the one whose responsibility it was all along and SM was doing it to be kind/caring/accepting - they assume SM doesn't want them there and blame her for being "horrible". They stay more at their mum's and mum makes it clear they have her approval for disliking their dad and that woman. SM's years of kindness towards DSC are rewritten as her only wanting to ensnare their father; it's also assumed that her mental health should be bulletproof in the face of ongoing hostility because "she's the grown up" and she should have known she hated children before dating a man with kids. And as for Dad? He wasn't really to blame; he was just a bit weak to let his new wife be so cold and uncaring...

This is much, much more accurate! Excellent post.

Shakenvac - that is not more accurate, it is written to fulfil the SM forum mantra, that the SM does no wrong and it is always the DP and his Exs fault that the SM gaslights the children to the point they feel unwelcome.

If that’s the case then GoodnightAdeline’s script was equally written to fulfil the Ex-wife mantra that nearly all step mums are nasty pieces of work and the actual parents always act in their children’s best interests. You’ll notice I said my version was a script. I also agreed that Goodnight’s script does indeed happen also.

In life there are decent people and shit people and I cannot understand why posters such as you cannot accept that both scenarios can occur with a whole raft of other scenarios in between - the existence of one does not invalidate the existence of another. It’s the equivalent of jumping onto the Relationships board and posting the Cheater’s script regardless of the relationship issue being posted.

Personally, despite an horrific rocky patch along the way, I love my DSC (now adults), we get on well and they tell me they love me too. No gaslighting required.

edited for typo

This is very accurate, a very well rounded view on what often happens

Excellent post @ShakeNvacStevens

Some SPs are great, some are awful, some are in-between. There isn't one script.

My experiences are that I had a SM that regularly told me that I wasn't worth bothering with, if it hadn't been for my dad and brother she'd have washed her hands of me and I was tolerated. My DM had died and I was regularly informed by her how disappointed my DM would have been with me. I felt very alone in my own home. She had been a SM before and I remember her proudly telling me how she'd punched her SD in the face because she'd had enough of her.

I had a SD that I loved dearly, and when that relationship broke down I grieved her loss more than the relationship. How good a parent I was I dont know, but I loved her.

Never did I feel like I was compensating or should have been compensated for the breakdown of a relationship. I just wanted love and kindness. I didn't want to exclude or be excluded.

You sound like a fantastic SP because you learned how not to do it from your own SM. I’m sorry you went through all that. It sounds horrific.

I think many step parents feel that way unfortunately, they just aren’t as honest. Kids pick up on the vibes just the same either way but I really am sorry about your SM and your Dad for letting her.

If you don't know what the problem is with saying "his child" and "my/our children" and constantly making your husband feel guilty for wanting to have a full relationship with all of his children you never should have had a relationship with a man with a child from a previous relationship. As a child who spent their entire childhood being one of "his" children from the first marriage and always being kept away from my father by my stepmother, I can't begin to explain to you how damaging your treatment of and behavior toward your husband and stepson actually is. I and my brothers from my father's first marriage were constantly seen as the "outsiders" in our own family. We always heard the phrase "your" kids and "my" kids when referring to her children from her first marriage. This continued to the present day where my father is in a nursing home and is surrounded by pictures of "her" children and grandchildren, while the pictures I've brought of myself, my siblings and our children were hidden in a drawer and behind the television where he couldn't see them. I have tried to maintain a cordial relationship for the past 50 years with my stepmother and stepsiblings and have succeeded much better than any of my brothers have (they have largely been estranged by her) but it has been a battle of stepmom keeping myself and my children at arms length for that entire time. Even her children now as adults refer to the relationships as "us" and "them" and are blind to the amount of alienation she practiced against "his" children from his first marriage. I'm fairly certain this is such a commonplace practice that several fairytales have included the mean, alienating stepmom as a central figure in the story. It's because it's true and happens far too often in real life. Don't make your husband pick "your" children over "his". To him they are all his children and deserve to spend all their time with him and share in his love equally and fully.

If you don't know what the problem is with saying "his child" and "my/our children"

Sorry what's wrong with factually referring to the children as his and mine/ours?

I can understand where he is coming from. You have two children and your partner so naturally you just want time as the four of you, however, your partner has three children and wants him to be included too.
My step children are included in his dad family get togethers and obviously one of our children's birthdays, but wouldn't be for my family, or my birthday particularly unless they were with it that night. Try and put yourself in his shoes. Meet someone knew, have a baby; your older two are being excluded and being unwanted by your new partner. That would make you feel a bit shitty wouldn't it.

As a child who spent their entire childhood being one of "his" children from the first marriage and always being kept away from my father by my stepmother,

And your father accepted this arrangement - he has to be partially to blame.

I think the OPs situation is an older child v younger child/ren scenario.
The older boy is 'fun' now and has sport in common with his DF. The younger ones are too young at present to join in but will have that opportunity when older. But the older will always be the DF's first born. They often get more attention but usually the younger ones accept it as the norm, or aren't aware in a single family.

You’re an absolute idiot love, when did I once say in my post I’d rather he wasn’t in my family? I said I love him like family just not like my own child? He’s got a mum he doesn’t need me to try and be his mum too! All these posts about trying to phase out the child are total rubbish too 😂 sooo many bitter angry women on here

“So many bitter angry women”

You are so close to getting it….

…so many bitter angry stepchildren trying to warn a new generation of stepparents on how damaging the them and us attitude is.

I can accept there is a spectrum of issues from all sides. JKus ton this forum - the SM never does any wrong and the faut lies with everyone else in the dynamic not them.

Storming norman - seriously vile post. Yes a lot of damaged stepchildren - who are actually allowed a voice and dohave the right to express how the issues of adults affected them.

My 2, have had 1 awful woman who did her best to gaslight them, exclude them from their fathers life ( yes he let it happen) but even now they have split up - she still tries to interfere - but how evil do you have to be, to attempt to do it i the first place.
They currently have a lovely lady who has helped rebuild their damaged relationship with their father and just gets it. They are now old enough to understand what was going on and ensure their half sibling - gets some damage limitation from the evilness of that woman.

@terrimom

that’s the thing though. My step son is my step son my daughter is my daughter his children are my step son and his daughter but my child is my daughter. It is a my and our situation as I don’t see my self as a mother of two. Just one the one I birthed. My step son has 2 brilliant parents and me who loves and supports him.

The problem is never the step parent though. In my opinion it is if they’re nasty etc but what the f**k are people with children staying with these types then if they are that weak to stop seeing their eldest children for their partners? I wouldn’t dream of trying to tell my partner a thing because I just don’t want that and if I did I’d leave however if I even tried to cross a barrier I’d be told to leave and never come back.

tiu are entitled to a life as a step parent time to be a parent to just your biological with your partner their dad. As long as you include your step child 98% of the time but again I don’t agree in taking the child aaay from it’s own mother 24/7 just so they don’t miss out on going for dinner with dad when they could do the same with mum.

Just read your opening while you’re apparently trying to defend yourself…it’s almost funny. Work on yourself for the sake of the people who are subjected to you…

The problem is that that ideology and separation causes the children from the first marriage to be alienated from their own parent. My stepmother did this from the start. "Those" are your children, you deal with them, not my kids not my problem was constantly stated to him and the separation became more pronounced over time. Not invited to events for "their" children. "Her" children needed camp, vacations, books, clothes, education, etc. from her husband. Her children from her prior marriage became their children (his and hers). Children from first marriage were always only his children. Not her concern. It created a huge divide in the family and put the idea in my fathers head that some of his children (her kids from her prior marriage whom he was not biologically related to and never adopted) were more deserving and more his children than the biological children from his first marriage. Of course he's not blameless but the emphasis on the division of children came from the alienating stepmother. Everyone else was trying to co-parent. In my dad's mind all the children were always his children. In stepmother's mind only her children were his children. That attitude leaves the children from first marriage on the outside of a relationship with their own father. So referring to children this way creates alienation and eventually estrangement and yes, bitter angry women (and men) who were raised by alienating stepmothers who put their children above their husbands children from the first marriage. It is destructive, damaging and alienating to the children to be abused in this way by the stepmother they had no choice in being related to and who views them as somebody else's children while excluding them from family events.

It is exactly this "them" and "us" attitude that damages the relationship between their spouse, who is the parent of children from a prior relationship and their biological children from the first marriage. It is entirely the step parent's rejection of and repeated separation of the children from the first marriage and the concept that their partner is the parent of all the children but they are not. They are only the parent of "their" children puts the children from the first marriage on the outside of the family relationship and separates and alienates them from their biological parent and step parent. It is what all the bitter, angry, rejected children on the post are talking so plainly about. And the step moms keep saying "so why is my rejection of my partners children a problem?"