Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

If the SC live with you full-time, it is a different situation. They will mostly just be around, so of course you plan with them.
It's great that you have found the love.

The situation in OP's case is different, the SC has their own mother and live with her majority of the time. And does fun stuff with her, visits her side of the family, has days out and has days of ordinary life.

Are you really suggesting that if the SC goes with their mum to the adventure park, the younger children aren't allowed to go to zoo with their mum and dad on the same day?

There’s the crux of the problem. And the root of the wicked stepmother trope. And the reason why so many stepchildren feel unwanted and like second class citizens in their own family.

No I'm not suggesting that. Absolutely agree Mum can have SC free stuff and child free stuff. If mum is having day out with bio kids and SC is doing stuff with their mum then crack on. If you're marking big occasions with mum, dad and bio kids then extend invite/offer to SC, the distinction is the inclusion. My SC still see their mum regularly. I've noticed over the years that, with lack of inclusion to things and lack of interaction with her new (live in) partner, that their relationship has grown more distant as they get older. I've always given them the option to join or not to join things, including with my family. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't and it's fine. The option and feeling of inclusion is the key. I go out and do things without them, I have time out with my bio doing stuff together but the important part is the communication.OP is not having (by the sounds of things) a clear, open discussion about how she feels and that is leading to resentment, which spills over onto a child, which probably makes child more aggravating (perceived or actually)
The query was from the OP not just about having her SC at things but also that she resented the time on face times with SC and SC coming for tea twice a week. The same logic applies that you've laid out, the joint kids get Dad and normal day to day time with them all. Dad won't chat as long with kids he sees every day because he knows what they've been up too already. I interpret the coming round for tea as a chance to bond with siblings, not just be an every other weekend visitor, because a sibling bond is also important and it sounds, to me, like Dad wants that.
My main thing is that it sounds like OP and partner need to work out boundaries and expectations and come up with the solution that works for them all.
There are many different ways of running blended family situations and if it works for them and everyone is happy, great, do it that way. Every single one is different but if people are feeling resentful, upset and angry about theirs then ultimately it needs a rethink in how it operates. And that's the crux of OP's problem I feel.

You're not being unreasonable at all. Its completely normal to want to do things and have special moments/memories with just you and your kids. He has a family with and without his son, thats what people dont seem to get...

He also doesnt need to be taking him away from his mum on your weekend to go to your bday...its the weekend with the mum then keep it that way. If he was at yours already on that weekend then so be it but dont let anyone else tell you that your wants arent valid x

Bore off

@StormingNorman

they the ex and my partner stopped being a family the day they split up. They are parents to the same child and that is that. They are the child’s family but aren’t a family.

I am a family with my partner his son and our daughter because we are in a relationship. I get on with the mother but she is not family to my partner they are co parents and friends.

I would see the same if we split up, I’d no longer be a family. We do days out with his ex I do drop off and pick up with him I do what I can.

I’ve already chosen to have my child she’s almost 3.

the mother would be happy to have her own child on my birthday to give us free time. She wouldn’t be offended.

next weekend I am leaving my child at home with my mother and going away for the night with my partner and his son… we also have a holiday booked as a family of 4 in a couple months. I am more than inclusive and accomodating and I wouldn’t want it any other way . I just won’t be spending my birthday with my step child no questions asked.

@Rabbiehdbek i could have just said what you did 😂

Why are you looking on a step parents thread?!

Excellent post

This!!! I absolutely love every sinful person that has came through in support of this OP..

I do not agree with consistently taking the child on THEIR MOTHERS time just so they didn’t miss out… they are EQUALLY MISSING OUT on time with their ACTUAL MOTHER…

another example.. my stepson comes eow.. this weekend was normal… we’ve got something planned for next so we are attending but his actual mother kept him last night.. sent him today and we will have him next weekend but you guess.. he won’t be with us again the following… because my partner willl seee it as time with me and our child. Although he loves having the 4 of us together.

bore off you people I bet none of you are the perfect god parent

Step 😂😂

It was just a thread in active. I didn't realise I wasn't supposed to view it. Please accept my sincere apologies.

Do you actually understand the point of a discussion forum? People giving different opinions etc? If you’re going to use such a wanky expression like ‘bore off’, then you need to back it up with a reasoned response. Otherwise you just sound a bit thick.

I hope for your child’s sake your husband’s next wife is more compassionate towards your child than you are to your SC. People like you keep therapists in business.

but for clarity, I didn’t suggest you and the ex were family. You walked into the stepchild’s family (SC + DD), you don’t get to hive off dad for a different family to intentionally and deliberately exclude a young child. If you can’t welcome the child, don’t fuck the father. Selfish.

Truth hurts?

The step child didn’t introduce a new dynamic. You did. You came into their life when you started dating the parent. If you couldn’t love the child you should have walked away. No child should be expected to be disliked in their own home…and yes, their father’s home is their home.

Then don't get into a relationship with someone who has children. Guaranteed the child would rather not have you in their family either - difference is they didn't choose it, and you did.

Because they secretly hope they can phase out the step kids ‘because they don’t like coming round here anyway’ and become annoyed when that doesn’t happen. Seen it a million times

Exactly. They get with the parent and then try to edge out the child as much as possible - then use the fact that the child's not happy there as an excuse to edge them out even further. Pretty disgusting.

There’s definitely a stepmum ‘script’.

Phase 1, dating. They pretend to adore the kid, say they love them like they’re their own, in fact they want to spend more time with them and be a proper family.

Phase 2, wedding and first baby. They say they need the step kid to stay away a bit, ‘just for now’ while they ‘settle in as a new family’.

Phase 3, endless complaints about the stepkid ‘constantly being here’ and the bio kids being ‘treated unfairly’ despite the fact the stepchild spends half or less time with their bio parent than the shared children. The stepmum ‘has always found them difficult’ apparently, and suddenly objects to whatever routine is in place, seeking to lessen and lessen it until the stepchild is barely there any more.

Phase 4, the stepchild has picked up on the fact they’re despised and being phased out so stays more and more at mums. Stepmum says ‘we never hear from them and they prefer it at mums anyway, so seeing them once a month suits us all’

Unless it goes tits up and the dad actually doesn’t want to abandon his offspring, in which case threads like this arise.

As someone who was mistreated by a stepparent, this is so heartbreaking to read and is absolutely "the script". I remember being so confused and devastated at simply not being liked, and suddenly being treated as "bad" or an inconvenience when before I had just been a normal kid, treated nicely. Then of course I started acting out, which started the cycle of "she is a problem child and it's her fault, let's kick her out of OUR family." All the posts from stepmums here confirm how common this is. Which leads to the final point: STAY AWAY from single parents if you're not prepared to treat them as equal and respect the fact that you are entering THEIR family, not the other way around.

This should be pinned at the top of this thread. So many women are just evil in the way they behave and excuse it in their heads.

Restored my faith in humanity tbh.

@StormingNorman

you’re so irrelevant and irritating.

you didn’t read my comment CORRECTLY.

I WELCOME THE FUCKING CHILD ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

Did you choose to ignore where I said we are taking a trip this weekend coming without our child as a 3?

did you not read where I’ve said that I get on with the ex.

the ex is a great fucking mother who loves her son. Who wants to spend time with her son outside after school and just the holidays so that means WEEKENDS. She requested every other weekend herself as a fucking mother!!!!!! not me pushing my step child out not me doing fucking anything!!

I am also not married and I’ll continue to FUCK my partner as much as I would like to daily infact… I might also have another child who knows 😂 MY BUSINESS.

im not a bad person cause I won’t spend a weekend of MY BIRTHDAY with my child. I mean I don’t even have my child on a night of the weekend of my birthday because I have ME FUCKING time with my partner to do just that fuck him…..

Grow up are you a step mum or are you just a petulant woman. You’re the problem not me. I’m doing nothing wrong my step son is happy. You’re not.

Aren’t you a sweetheart.

@StormingNorman

you just pushed and pushed and pushed on purpose didn’t you lovely.

you’re the problem with the world not me.

my step son is 11 and has a lot of alone time with his dad but also can talk to his mother and they do so if he has a problem with anything in this world he would say.

if he wants an extra weekend at dads he will have that extra weekend at dads. If he wants to do something with his mum he’ll do something with his mum.

im not the problem, I’ve booked a weekend trip at the end of the year for 3 nights with me and my partner NO CHILDREN. Again I’m not the problem you are.

I welcome my stepson with open arms I provide a healthy home for the children. I provide what I can mentally emotionally and physically and the children aren’t harmed cause they spend a night with their own mother in my step sons case and my mum in my daughters case I’m well entitled to do what I want and spend my birthday how I want just as much as the OP has.

So bore off you boring twit.