Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

When I go through threads like this it shows that so many of us have been so hurt by our own experience. I haven't grown up in step dynamic as such but did lose a parent young. I also have a child who has a step parent dynamic but I feel their step mum does try. I have severe worsening health and know at some point that I probably won't be here and my child will need to go there permanently so threads like this terrify me. I'm compassionate and am empath but many people are not and I struggle with attitudes towards kids that I read on here.

I do however try to be understanding to how other people feel. You can't make people compassionate and understanding towards kids that aren't theirs by ripping them apart. If they don't have that then they don't have it. All we can really do on here is try support the OP in examining any contributory factors that could be changed that might make it easier for everyone. ( E.g if she's feeling neglected by husband, needs more help with the other kids, or any other potentially understandable factors that may breed resentment.

To be fair, you are the delightful soulwho is actively wishing for children to have a future step parent who doesn't like them...
You can log back again now hen, cheers for your input 👍

It's coming across loud and clear the type of person you are, and not in a good way.

Yeah, this thread is a cautionary tale of what a child will go through with step parents. Being made to feel an inconvenience and irrelevant to the family. (And then blamed as rude! Wouldn’t you be rude to someone who barged into your family and then wanted to edge you out?)

I myself grew up with a stepfather and stepsiblings and, just like this, was suddenly seen as an irrelevant outsider whom nobody wanted, and was eventually abandoned. It changed my life and I grew up with complex PTSD.

If anyone gets into a relationship with someone who has children, accept that the children aren’t going anywhere. They will be difficult- just like any child. They will be moody and have their moments. Especially when they’ve gone through such big changes. But it seems as though some people hope that when they’re married with new shiny children, the stepchild will just disappear in a puff of smoke like you’re in a film. It does not work that way. Think long and hard about what sort of person you are and whether you can handle it.

@Sky1248 ive not read through the hundreds of responses here but as a step parent who has seen these things before I can imagine now it’s going. I think what people don’t understand is that having a stepchild around introduces a different dynamic, then don’t respect or love you like a parent and naturally you don’t love them like your child. I think of it like my nieces and nephews who I’m incredibly close to, I LOVE them, I’d jump in front of a bus to protect them, but I don’t want to be around them all the time and I’d find it more difficult to manage their behaviour when they are rude. I would find it a challenge sometimes to have them in my house all of the time and we are entitled to feel that way! You should be allowed to have a birthday meal YOUR way as we sacrifice a lot no matter what all of these first wives on mumsnet believe!

Simply not true.
Grow up!

As a (soon to be) seconds wife and stepmum to 2 (who live with us full time) with one bio child. I have to disagree with parts of this statement.

Yes, absolutely, any adult is entitled to spend their birthday as they choose. I'm not clear whether this was a child free birthday or not. If it was child free then, no kids should be going. If, however, SC's younger half sibs were going it seems unkind to exclude them - the sibling bond is so important. Both parents will be gone one day, as will aunties, uncles etc. Siblings will rely on each other. Creating an us/them feel is not conducive to a healthy environment or relationship.

You can have an adult only birthday and a separate thing with kids. You can also take your bio kids for a fun day out but if dad goes too and SC is left out that will hurt them and make them feel apart from the family unit (so I'd suggest a day just mum and bio kids, no dad.)They will play up more when they are over, display more challenging behaviour and by desperate for attention of any kind. Eventually they could phase their father out or it could cause a rift there. Until the marriage is then pushed to breaking point or the dad and SC have no relationship.

And yes, I love my stepchildren as much as my bio child. Was it hard to start? Yes, bloody hard. We're there hard times, boundary pushing, etc? Yes but my love for my partner and the knowledge that this was a package deal, fuelled me to forge strong bonds.

A mum would not accept this from a dad treating their child this way on Mumsnet. There would be droves of messages saying LTB.

I agree with all of this thank you!

100% true for many who are fully grown. We don’t love children we didn’t create the same way we’d love children we created.

if a kid free time the birthday falls and she wants HER kid(s) there and no step kid it’s fine.

If the step kid had a birthday when with their actual mother should / would the half sibling be invited. No course they wouldn’t and shouldn’t be. The breakdown of the relationship has created 2 family dynamics. That is now life. The half sibling is not included therefore excluded from events step kid does with his mum but that’s fine. Just have to make sure step kid is spoilt because his parents split. So in this belief it’s ok for the new baby to be excluded but not the step kid. Double standards.

does the step kid want to spend a day with the step mum’s family to celebrate step mums birthday. Doubtful

really don’t understand the force behind making sure step kid is included in EVERYTHING even when they aren’t scheduled to be around. Like everything has to stop because step kid isn’t there or it continues but step kid has to come.

it’s not excluding the step kid. The step kid isn’t planned to be around. It’s excluding if it’s step kids weekend with them but still perfectly acceptable to do things without the step kid or any kids.

I go out and see my family and my friends and do my life sometimes when the step kids are there. My life doesn’t and won’t stop because they exist. They are my partners priority not mine and I wouldn’t and don’t feel guilty enjoy events without them.

my step kids have expressed an interest in spending Xmas with us and my family. I told my partner won’t happen. Our xmas’s are boozy and the kids would change the way our Christmas is. He either has Xmas day with him and the kids and I go to my families or they stay with mum but I’m not spoiling my Xmas for me and my family for his kids. I am not going to spoil my Xmas and my family’s for the sake of his kids.

>>If the step kid had a birthday when with their actual mother should / would the half sibling be invited. No course they wouldn’t and shouldn’t be. The breakdown of the relationship has created 2 family dynamics. That is now life. The half sibling is not included therefore excluded from events step kid does with his mum but that’s fine. Just have to make sure step kid is spoilt because his parents split.

This post illustrates EXACTLY what it feels like to be a step kid. You might innocently attend someone’s birthday party - maybe because someone offered you the chance, maybe because you wanted to go in order to help honor your (step)family member - having ZERO idea of the vast amount of resentment and symbolism triggered by your presence! And lo, because you showed up at this event, you’re “spoiled."

About 10 years ago I attended a wedding of my step cousin’s, several states away. The airline tickets for me and my husband and kid were > $2000. But I wanted to go to show support and respect to my extended step family who were always, mostly, wonderful to me. My half sister (their blood relative) backed out of coming at the last minute due to some issues with her alcohol use (my mom paid for her hotel room, which sat empty). I thought, well, at least I was there to represent our part of the family at the wedding, even if my half-sister didn't show up.

At the wedding dinner, I made a praising comment to the bride’s sister (another step cousin) and another relative (a third step-cousin), who was one of the few people who were not particualry nice to me. I said, “I’m proud to be related to you folks.” And her response was, “Well, TryingToBeLogical, we’re not actually related.” I suppose that is true, but it was an unkind and unnecessary comment in response to a compliment. Shocked silence all around the table.

Guess she didn't want me there, even though I came to show respect, not grab double privileges. (my step-cousin the bride, and my step-aunt and uncle, were all lovely and welcoming tho).

Haven’t felt the same about them all since. And I keep my own kid away from that step cousin. No need for my kid to be treated rudely because 50 years ago someone got a divorce and now she doesn’t have the “right” grandfather (and is therefore a spoiled interloper).

my step kids have expressed an interest in spending Xmas with us and my family. I told my partner won’t happen. Our xmas’s are boozy and the kids would change the way our Christmas is. He either has Xmas day with him and the kids and I go to my families or they stay with mum but I’m not spoiling my Xmas for me and my family for his kids. I am not going to spoil my Xmas and my family’s for the sake of his kids

I totally agree that everyone's lives have to keep going with our without the presence of step kids but this whole paragraph is just tragic. You're a grown up and you can't just get wrecked on boxing day instead?
How can you tolerate to be with a man who is so weak that he will tolerate such utter disdain towards his own children?

You haven’t answered the question tho have you? Should the half sibling be invited and would they be invited to the step kids birthday is step kid was with his mum. No they wouldn’t be and I’m sure the Sm would be fine with it. So by the logic of many this means SM has to include Step kid in everything. Actual parent doesn’t have to but Sm is the cow. I assume you didn’t answer because it didn’t fit your narrative.

p.s I am a step kid and I was not invited to things happening at my dads house when I wasn’t supposed to be there and guess what? I didn’t feel excluded. It wasn’t my time to be there so things happen when I’m not around, even as an adult.

Haha why would I change my plans to suit his children. If they want to see their dad at Xmas they can. I haven’t said your kids can’t come to MY house at Christmas because we’re going to my families. I don’t have to stop what I do because they want to be around.

my partner is not weak he just understands they are his kids not mine and my presence or absence is irrelevant they come to see him. I am very much just there. Doesn’t make him weak I think it makes him incredible because he doesn’t force me to stop my activities because he has kids. Also makes him a good parent to recognise environments that are unsuitable for his kids. A house of 7 drunk adults playing adult appropriate games is not a place for his young children.

I think we've both had different experiences as step kids which have informed how we have parented as step parents. And that is fine 🤷‍♀️
I was a step kid twice...soap opera style family dynamics...my family is blended several times over and, tbh, yes we've always included all kids: step, half etc. We've unofficially adopted in various friends and all that. So I've taken that ethos/value and applied it in my life with the my kids. We're happy with it. You've had a different approach and you've applied it in yours. You're happy with it. That's all fine. It obvs works for you and yours. You weren't the one asking AIBU at the end of the day.

I don't really think there is anything wrong with the Christmas thing from PP. The father isn't being prevented from seeing his children, but PP can do what she likes and if that's spending the day with her wider family then that's what she should do. It doesn't sound like they have joint DC together so what's the problem? Kids see Dad and PP goes to her families. Win all round surley?

Only becomes complicated if you have joint DC. I have DC with DH and he has children with his ex. We do now spend every Christmas together (DSC split the day between mum and dad but we live close by so that's fine). I then take our DC to see my family on boxing say and DH stays at home with DSC if they are there. I'm probably terrible for not inviting them but I like having the day with just my family and my dc so... I dunno, hang the witch I guess!

Glad he's not my Dad, all I'm saying.

Everyone can do as they prefer, obviously. It's the sneering "why should I let the kids presence spoil my Christmas" that's deeply unpleasant IMO. Just nastiness dripping out of that post.

Well I assume what is meant is that it will completely change the dynamic of what PP does at Christmas with her family. There is no need for them to be there, they can see their dad, so why would PP want his kids at her families house on Christmas if it means they can't enjoy it the way they want to?

As I said in my previous post, I don't want to take my DSC with me when I see my family on Boxing day. If they are at ours they stay at home with DH 🤷‍♀️

There's nothing wrong with that. I don't take my DSC everywhere I go either.
I also don't tell my DH I won't be having his child spoil my day while I'm about it though.
That would be incredibly spoilt, rude and bitchy of me to do that.
So I don't do that.

It depends on what you're doing though.

If my plan was to go somewhere where there are no kids around with the intention of drinking with other adults etc.. then yes I may well tell my husband that having kids (anyone's kids) around will spoil the dynamic.

And here’s the root of all evil step mums…

…they don’t accept the step kids.

You explained perfectly!

Then chose to have a family without any existing children. What is hard to understand here? When you marry a man with children, you marry into an existing family. You add to that, you don’t try to create something separate.

No you don’t… you create a new family with new dynamics.