Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

Not really. I put DTwins to bed. At 6.30pm.

No one is allowed to the house at 6.30pm. Because they will hear cars pull up. Hear voices. Be alerted by noise. See people coming to the house. And not want to go to bloody bed. They wouldn't go up until the visitor left, and would then be hyped up from the commotion. They would take twice as long to settle.

DH is not part of bed time. It's pretty standard not to invite any commotion to your house at the moment you are putting a baby and toddler to bed, regardless of who's doing it.

The ex is being a dickhead. Her not wanting to pick her own child up is not more important and a priority over two young children needing to go to bed, without disruption, in their own house.

We have only OPs words in 99,999 percent of threads. However, when the OP is stepmum, it is an instant reason to disbelieve them.

The 7pm isn't about the step child's needs in any way. It is about all three adults involved agreeing the handover time, and than his ex wanting to change it in a way which doesn't suit the OP at all, and not really her husband either.
She obviously is capable of putting the younger ones to bed on her own, but why shouldn't they get some attention from their father as well, bed time is common bonding time for busy parents.

That's crazy early! The ex isn't the only dickhead.

Oh do wise up, 10, 20, 30 minutes make sod all difference! We would hardly have seen our children if we had put them to bed so early!

I am a stepchild. My father left my mother when I was 10 for another woman. He has put this other woman first, above me, for my entire life. It has caused numerous issues and upsets including at major life events. It is desperately sad. I would have loved it if my Dad had treated me the way your partner is treating his son.
Instead, as a middle aged adult I still have a dysfuntional relationship with my father.
I’m not saying any of this for sympathy; I wouldn’t expect that from MN anyway - the more likely response would be to tell me to grow up and live my life and get a grip 😂. Which I have and I do. My point is that the parent - child relationship is forged in childhood, and should last into adulthood. If the relationship is damaged in childhood then it’s going to make the adult relationship more challenging. Please think about the future, not just the here and now.

Bless you, you have had a shit time. I think you understand the stepson's situation more than most.

Love and hugs xx

I understand where you are coming from. Most of the time all children would be included but not always

Your did as you wished.

And that's the point here, this time really isn't about the step child's benefit, only about ex's convenience.

I totally get where you are coming from as I feel like this sometimes too... I love my step son to bits but need time just me and my kids too
Everyone says I should love my step son the same as my children and want him with us all the time blah blah blah I do love him but not the same way I love my bios
How you feel is validated so don't let others people's views change that. It's OK to want some time away from them and it's also OK to want them with you all the time

@LilySLE I’m sorry you experienced and that and it’s understandable that it has impacted you in adulthood. Childhood trauma follows us and it’s not a simple case of people needing to “get a grip”!

What you say is very true:

If the relationship is damaged in childhood then it’s going to make the adult relationship more challenging.

I’ve seen this play out time and time again. I’m sure some people thrive in blended families but I’ve witnessed so many situations like the one you experienced and the legacy of that trauma. I used to see this when I worked in social services and in schools and it was hard to process seeing a kid feeling so out of place within their mum or dads “new family”. It was one of the hardest parts of my job. Of course you had to be professional etc but it was rotten seeing all the rejection the kids experienced as you knew it would impact them massively in the long term.

In fact as interesting as the debates have been I think I’m best coming off this thread - it is is a bit depressing for similar reasons - I can tell the same dynamics are at play within some peoples households here.

YABVU....
I'm sorry but you really come across as a very selfish woman who needs a reality check.
How would you feel if you and DH split up and he gets into another relationship, would you be happy for his new partner to dictate/whine/moan/sulk how often your children get to spend with their father and step siblings? You need to think about the bigger picture and consider your responsibilities, you chose to start a relationship and have children with a man who already had a child, therefore that child is also your family, he is your children's step brother and your step son, you need to start treating him as such and stop giving all step mothers a bad reputation!!!!!

It is a reason to personally dislike a child though!! Which is what I was replying to!! Doesn’t matter if he’s 9.

The fact you think a 3yr old or a baby going to bed at 6.30pm is ludicrous, does helpfully put the rest of your posts into context.

I appreciate you have had lots of experience in your personal life that I haven't had, but I just think that a 9 year old little boy deserves to be prioritised.

OP, if you're still around - it appears lots of posters think DSS should be prioritised. Their arguments are countered by those of us who've witnessed "first child prioritisation" and the problems it causes.

after I went into such detail and there was no attempt to see a different perspective I gave up but I can’t see where the SS isn’t being prioritised? He is, more than!

It’s his son, his child.
Why the F would he not want to concentrate on DSS happiness.
He’s making it up to him, making up for lost time which I think I is commendable.
I see nothing wrong here except you who doesn’t want to include the step son in your plans.

And what if he is making sure he's home in time for tea only those two nights a week so he's there for his older son but not the rest of the week to be with the younger ones. Plus on the weekends he doesn't have his older son he doesn't want to do anything nice with the younger ones like go to the park, beach, zoo etc for fear of the older one finding out from the younger one and he's missing out.

I cant help but think if this was the other way round and it was a man complaining about a woman wanting her child from a previous relationship there at every social situation/family time, everyone would be screaming that he's toxic and to run for the hills...

You decided to have a relationship with a man that had a child. That means you accepted that child was a part of your lives. Whilst it is often the case that parenting becomes shared when split it doesn't mean that it should be or that you get to choose when that happens if it is.
You will create a divide between you and your husband by creating a divide between you and his son. I would recommend trying to embrace his son as your family member.

Be so thankful that your partner is the sort of dad who wants to always include his eldest son. If ever you were to split up ( you know this can happen) you can be fairly sure that a new partner won’t be excluding your children.
an acquaintance of mine, second wife with new family, spoke proudly of the fact her husband had no contact with his two elder boys. The downside was that when they split up he didn’t want anything to do with their daughter either - and she was furious!!

the fact is, all three children are your DH’s blood. You are not. The children are there, as siblings, for life. You can be switched out or indeed switch yourself out if you wish. Foster closeness for your children with their brother. It matters.

Wao! You are being very unreasonable. You sound like you don’t like the fact your husband has a son outside your little family but I presume you knew he had a child before you agreed to be with him?
Also, you sound very spoilt and jealous of his ex!😏

I don't think you're being entirely unreasonable. I think for your birthday, which the key word there is "your", if you only want your side of the family there then that's okay. It's your birthday, not a family event.

What's not okay is your admission you want him to be around less than he is. I think it's fantastic that his dad is so involved and they clearly have a special bond. You wanting time with your own kids is also fine, but it doesn't come at the expense of your stepson. It sounds like your SSs parents have a good 50/50 going on, so you get plenty of time with your own kids and partner without your stepson there. So many people would do anything to have this kind of parental arrangement, I don't suggest you try to change it

Not all siblings will be close. It doesn’t matter. They will form their own relationships as adults.

I have a half brother who I have nothing to do with, it hasn’t effected me. I have no desire to have contact at all and I probably only think of him once a year, if that. It doesn’t matter, not in every case.

Yes ! YABU