Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

So your opinion is totally biased then, that makes sense now and kind of nullifies all your posts as far as I’m concerned.

you don’t care about your half sibling so you don’t think these half siblings relationship is that important either.

siblings have a right to family life and the last person who should be against that and think that one of the siblings is around a bit too much is the person who purportedly loves and supports their father .

Luckily enough I don’t care what you think.

I don’t care about my half sibling but that doesn’t mean I think all half sibling relationships are like that.

My POV is from someone that’s a step mum and can understand how shit it is to evolve your life around a kid that isn’t yours. To have someone come into your home and completely change the dynamics and there’s nothing you can do about it. Events can happen without the step kid around, specially if it’s for something that’s not related to a step kid.

Just because you love someone too doesn’t mean you have to support their every action, that’s not how love works. You can still love and support someone in certain aspects of their life even if you don’t like the other parts. It’s not a ‘love and support’ blindly. That’s not real.

Your kids are three and nine months - what kind of conversation do you really expect him to be having with them?

I think this is fine, as long as you accept not being included in "their days", ie, graduation, weddings, special birthdays grandchildren etc. After all step kid isn't anyone to you.

Yes I think you are. While I understand you feeling that way, what would you think if the situation reversed? I doubt you'd think it was right to exclude a child you'd had with an ex from events with your 'new family' He is your partners son the same as the children you have together.

Wtf is this argument?

I suppose the OP would expect him to pay attention and individually interact with all three of his children.

Why did you get with a guy who has a child? You are the problem. How can you want him to not include his son?! You got with him knowing he had a son. You took him AND his son on. Not one without the other

I don't think anybody cares what you think either but it's clear now why you are hammering home your biased point of view.

Do you also realise how shit it is for a child that his access to his dad revolves around a woman that's not his mother, and is clearly hostile towards him? And a child is a huge part of someone's life not "an other part" that "you don't like"! He's non-negotiable!

This is not about you and your half-brother. It's about a 9 year old little boy whose stepmother is trying to push him out.

But YOU have come into their life and family dynamic. They were there with their dad before you came onto the scene, and probably changed their own existing dynamic with their parent.

And when you plan for more kids surely you have to recognise that you’re ADDING more children to the family. Your first baby already has a big brother or sister.

I agree that not every event has to include every member of the family (and tbh that even applies to unblended families as well!) but some of these stepparent posts feel like they just cannot accept that they are not and never will be a nuclear family.

No just include him in his fathers life, you don't get to ration that.

Lots of people are repeatedly hammering on their point of view too. They are all bias to their own life circumstances too. I simply replied to a poster going on about how sibling relationships matter, when that’s not the case for all half siblings and it’s not the case for middles of full siblings either! Lovely if they are mates when they grow up but it isn’t the end of the world if they are not.

If the father didn’t want his life with his first DS to evolve around another person then maybe he should of thought of that before getting with someone else. He doesn’t get to decide everything when he brought someone else into his life and had another family. Shit for the kid but that’s life. Step mums don’t have to put up and shut up and no one’s being hostile towards the child? You are just making that up.

Exactly, can’t see a problem with that aslong as they don’t want a financial contribution from the step mum to pay for it or expect any kind of childcare either.

Of course she's hostile to the child - you just refuse to see it!! I'm coming at this with no bias, as are plenty of other posters!

How does anyone's life "evolve" in the sense you keep using the word?! Nobody's life "evolves" around another person!

My POV is from someone that’s a step mum and can understand how shit it is to evolve your life around a kid that isn’t yours. To have someone come into your home and completely change the dynamics and there’s nothing you can do about it. Events can happen without the step kid around, specially if it’s for something that’s not related to a step kid

Why did you get involved with somebody who has children if this is the level of contempt you have for them. Fucking hell.

I agree that not every event has to include every member of the family (and tbh that even applies to unblended families as well!) but some of these stepparent posts feel like they just cannot accept that they are not and never will be a nuclear family

In lots of the step parenting threads this arguement flipped on its head.
People can't accept that the blended family is not a nuclear family and the kids have different parents and families and homes and relatives and relationships and resources available to them and lose their minds that everything can't be "equal" all the time ( and often not without causing another "inequality" as a knock on effect IMO).
So then in OPs scenario that has to be made up to the older kids, and suddenly lots of people don't give two hoots if the childrens own father is treating them equally, toddlers and babies are known to be women's work and not require time to bond with dad, he's a great guy to prioritise eldest. 🧐

My POV is from someone that’s a step mum and can understand how shit it is to evolve your life around a kid that isn’t yours. To have someone come into your home and completely change the dynamics and there’s nothing you can do about it. Events can happen without the step kid around, specially if it’s for something that’s not related to a step kid

Quite.

To have someone come into your home and completely change the dynamics and there’s nothing you can do about it

The irony in this comment. You had the choice to enter into the relationship with a person who already had a child. It’s the child who can do nothing about it.

@TheFireflies most of us embark on stepparenting with an open mind and the very best intentions. No one tells you it’s going to be damn hard, particularly if you’re up against the favoured first child.

To coin a phrase, it’s like being 3-0 down in the 88th minute

null.

@Rabbiehdbek

im with you on this whole siblings matter spiel… they don’t. I have in total 5 siblings 1 full 4 half… 1 full sister with mum and dad an older sister from mum and an older brother and sister from dad. I have 0 to do with my dad’s children apart from my sister my mums daughter and I’m good with that. My dad’s kids are drunks and weird anyway. Plus he’s now dead, my dad. I don’t give two hoots a 8/9-18 year old is not needed at a step mums meal. Not relevant not important not anything it’s not his day or her child and even so I’m even surprised the OP isn’t having a night off from her own children cause I know I would be

I'm a SM & I think your attitude as with alot of SM views on this board are vile.

I absolutely agree with you about your partner, he is 100% responsible for his child having you in their life.

Which makes him failure as a father for being in a relationship with someone who has a view of his child's position in the new family unit that he created, that you hold. And then deciding to have more children with you.

In fact a bigger issue in blended families is the amount of bio parents who shack up with people who hold the type of toxic shit we see on this board who are at a base level incredibly self and shit parents, and all these kids end up stuck in the middle of it all.

They hold the control over the environments they choose to bring their kids into. The life experiences and relationships they want them value.

And yet there are people everywhere who accept this shit.

@TheDarkHouse
I’m sorry to hear you have had a tough time. Without knowing how old your DSS is, I can’t comment further on the violence (a toddler tantruming might bite and while that would be wrong, a 15 year old biting would be far more concerning). Regardless, as you are calling the experiences traumatic I’m guessing we’re not talking about a toddler. I hope your DSS has gotten help and support and that you’ve all been able to move past this.

I stand by my point - adults have agency that children just don’t. If worse comes to worse, an adult can leave the ”family home” and start again. Childhood years are formative. If you grow up being treated as a ”nobody”, if you don’t feel you belong but are at most tolerated, that will have a huge impact on your well-being and not just during childhood.

Where is the child supposed to go, so they are not getting in the way of someone else’s family-life? ”The other home?” What if there’s a step-parent there too?

Are they supposed to just accept that they will not belong to a family unit, feel a sense of belonging and being loved, until they’re old enough to create a family of their own?

I agree with you on ”some of us have had our views shaped by traumatic experiences”.
Mine are too - but I am not writing as a parent of average children. I’m writing as a step-child.

>>Because his dad left early we have to compensate for that for rest of his life do you mean?

I was a stepchild with a mostly lovely stepdad and extended stepfamily. But I did always feel a bit ugly and awkward, not quite right, as if I’d done something wrong by having wants and needs, by wanting to be equally part of things, by causing the slightest bit of trouble (when my younger half sister was nothing but trouble, and somehow that was ok). It’s tempting as an adult to try and write those old feelings off as paranoia. But then I read stuff like this and think…how often was someone thinking that about me in my presence, and I picked up on it? How often was I just something to suffer through, someone who might fancifully be wished dead or out of the way, or not existing at all?

If stepchildren are spoiled/clingy/useless etc remember that perhaps they have fearful reasons to behave that way.

How would you know that plenty of other posters are? Unless you know them all personally then you have no idea.

Oh … My phone keeps correcting ‘revolve’ to evolve and I didn’t pick it up…. Because I don’t proof read my MN posts… as it’s just not that important.

But I bet you felt good picking that up and commenting😂

It’s ok, you can think I have a vile attitude but a strangers opinion on the internet isn’t going to bother me. As all I’m saying is the truth for many women.

Step mums are selfish and shit parents as they don’t want to bend over backwards for their step child(ren)….. right… Makes sense.