Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

But it is HIS home too.

Youve pointed out the split of time is actually fairly equal between his mums home and his dads home. So he does live there.

By your logic his mums home is also not his house?

Fully support you. We don’t get this but it’s me that is like right half term coming suggest we have them this date to this date check that ok. I encourage extra contact. The kids are in his life more now he lives in my house and there is a stable environment than before I was on the scene. I push for the extra time but when they aren’t there sorry to break the hearts of those that want the step kid to be doted on.. I don’t want them here. I said to my partner about preferring my family to come or go to them when the kids aren’t around simply because when they’re around we have to be in parent mode. They aren’t bad kids they just require me to flick a switch to deal with them and I don’t want that switch on. Yes I know he had kids but again he saw them less when we met, I pushed for more. Yea I know he had kids but I don’t and I accept they aren’t going anywhere because they’re his life but I too am not going anywhere. I also push for dad son time without me present because I think it’s important. It’s important for me to be away from them too. My needs will not be ignored every single time. It’s about balance. His kids do not go without I give me all when they are here but I’m not ashamed to say, I love it when they aren’t here. Honesty is too much for some people.

He hardly sees him then! YABU

Reading some of the replies, I do wonder who did experience being a stepchild and not treated equally (as my 14 year older step brother was with his step mum)- and those who are stepmums/parents and feel somehow guilty because they know they do not treat scs equally?

I am neither btw.

It is fairly even in waking hours but he spends less sleeping nights there. Not his home. but he is leaving his dad’s house and the time the BM wants that to happen interrupts the routine of the other kids that live there, permanently. This isn’t ok, I wouldn’t budge on that. If dad wanted to pick him up at 4.30on a Friday because it suits him but his afterschool club doesn’t finish until 5, we’ll it’s only half hour why can’t the step kid have his routine changed ? Na wouldn’t fly would it. So no the op should not change her kids routine to suit not the step son but the ex. Hell no!

I wish I had had your foresight and not the rose tinted glasses instead!

Of course it’s his home. He spends nearly half his waking time there, why does it matter if overnights aren’t perfectly split down the middle? It’s a house with his dad and his brothers/sisters where he spends half his time. How is that not his home?

ok so to cut along story short your commenting on a topic you have no experience in. Useful

Thank you so much for your advice but I’ll continue as I am because my step kids are learning how to be decent human beings. They do not, they have tried and quickly learnt waste of their time to try playing games.

others have commented on how well mannered they are seen as the youngest couldn’t use a knife and fork before I came my disturbing attitude fixed that.

my disturbing attitude has improved their personal hygiene, they change their boxers daily now as well as brush teeth and bath / shower.

my disturbing attitude has taught them basic life skills such as learning to tell the time, reading, writing, expanding their vocabulary. We have debates where we share our opinions respectfully.

the youngest lived in the eldest shadow. We have worked so hard to help him find his voice and learn the power of it.

I have flexibility but I also have boundaries and this will horrify you I’m sure but I have consequences too! If they’re sent to bed and they decide to piss about.. they go to bed however long they pissed about for earlier the next night.

their dad and I are the adults in this situation. We teach, we love, we care, we discipline. We don’t allow those boundaries to be confused.

That's just mean!

I have experience, just not direct. That does not invalidate my POV.

I rather think your situation may be different to that of the OP. From what you are saying, it seems like you have embraced your stepchildren, while the OP would sooner reject hers!

But the consensus is he’s never there?

Imagine your 3 year old and 9 months old being stepchildren to a woman who is not keen on sharing her DH, life and home with them - perhaps.

No it doesn’t but with respect you are looking at from the view of a mother. So likely for you it is unthinkable to not want a step child around because you liken it to the love of your children. I’m sorry but I don’t love my step children. I do my absolute best for them and I care for them as I do any person but the love no. Because that love isn’t there it is very easy for me to be very ok with them not being around. I have embraced them but that doesn’t mean I will allow the ex to tell me what’s happening in my house. It took a long time for my partner and I to be on the same page. He was a Disney dad for a loooong time. I was ignored for a long time. I started to dig my heels in over petty things because it’s a point you reach. Thankfully after some crisis talks with my partner he has stepped up to be a dad and parent his children. There is nothing wrong with the ops hubby wanting a to love his son, nothing at all. The problem is he is consciously making sooo much effort for his son that when his son isn’t around his other children aren’t getting the effort. The first born is getting 95% the 5% left in the tank is not enough for op. And that’s right for her to be annoyed. Now she’s getting 5% and is giving more than 5% because she’s present when the step kid is around. Now she’s getting little and not being heard and now you want her to give more (disrupting her kids routine) whilst still getting the measly 5%. Just try to imagine that. Even if you take the step kid out. Your husband bothers with everyone and you ask him to do a small thing for you and he can’t because his energy has been spent elsewhere. Imagine this on repeat for years on end. Anyone reasonable would have enough. You can’t expect her to not be fed up just because it’s a kid. I promise it isn’t the kid she resents, it’s her husband shitty behaviours and im sure she reminds herself of that everytime the kid annoys her. I’m telling you this because it’s the point I reached. It’s very lonely. You feel you give everything and it’s not seen. And if you dare speak about it, look at the comments she’s had.

Mean? Turn it around. Do OP'a children go to their half-brother's mum's birthday celebrations too?

I doubt it. If it's a non-contact weekend and it's OP's birthday, why should DSS be invited? Especially as OP said he's rude to her family.

I totally respect your POV as someone who's actually living with this situation, and I am sure that I would never have loved stepchildren the way I love my children. I just think the OP is being unreasonable in somehow expecting her DH to love his son less because he has two children with her?

I'm not convinced that the DH's first son is getting anywhere like 95% though. She said herself that her stepson staying until 7pm was disruptive to her children's bedtime. Now that suggests to me that her DH is equally involved in putting their children to bed.

I'm sorry for the difficult situation you have endured, and I respect the fact that you have been civil in your response when many others would not have been. I just don't think that you and the OP are in the same scenario.

I hope things are fairer for you moving forward.

I think the OP is not communicating very well because feelings are involved. Taking a step back and from personal experience I get it because I have felt it. You say horrible things, I’m guilty of that. I don’t think she wants him to love him less, I think she wants to be validated and appreciated. She wants to feel as if their family that they created holds importance too.

no one knows what’s going on behind closed doors. But if she feels her husband is not doing enough for their shared kids she can feel that way. I agree and said in a previous post I don’t agree with all the points. But it very much seems when step son isn’t there, they don’t do things as a family.

hey we’re all adults (allegedly) and if I’m rude and abusive in my response the debate is over. Ironically goes back to what we’re teaching our kids about healthy debate 😂

im new to being a step mum. It’s hands down the hardest thing I’ve done. My mum was a single mum, I was step kid. So I try to wear 3 hats in all scenarios. I wear the exes hat of how mum would have felt, I wear the step kids hat of how I would of felt when I was young and powerless and I wear my hat of what I need as a partner. It’s a balancing act but essentially other people’s wants (not just step kids) do not come before our relationship needs.

I’ve become very passionate about this topic but SM’s are just slaughtered even when they come from a good place.

anyway, I’ve enjoyed the civil debate and I hope at the least you saw something(s) from a different perspective

“I don’t have any personal issue with him”. I should fucking hope not he’s a child. Grow up and take some parenting advice from your husband.

Exactly. She needs to look out for herself and her kids.

OP, arrange your birthday meal on non contact time with your SS. You deserve the Birthday you want, not the one your husband wants you to have.

He’s a child that’s rude to her and her family! No reason she can’t have a issue with him if he has a crap attitude towards her.
She doesn’t have to put up and shut up as she’s a step mum.

That's not a reason for her DH to spend less time with his son!! It's an issue they both need to deal with! He's only 9!

I appreciate you have had lots of experience in your personal life that I haven't had, but I just think that a 9 year old little boy deserves to be prioritised.

So it's about time he started accommodating his wife and two out of three children then.

All this bullshit on this thread about how he's clearly amazing and doing everything because he sleeps in the same house as these three??? He's doing sod all. But bends over backwards for one child.

We only have the OP's word for that! And she can't put her two youngsters to bed at 7 if her stepson is there, suggesting that she needs her DH's help to do it??

Prioritised by who and over who?

Prioritised over the other two children? Yes by his mum, not by his dad, not by his stepmum.

Prioritised over the OP? That shouldn't be even a question, their needs are totally different.

Amazing how EOW and two nights for tea has morphed into 50:50 which it patently is not as OP met opposition