Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

Are you for real??? You don’t understand why somebody wants to involve their own child in their life? And you are a parent! YAVU and come across really selfish

!

I think you’re getting a hard time OP.
from reading only your responses I get the feeling your Oh prioritises his 1st and you and other children come second (in your eyes) and though you have accommodated in the past..and probably been taken advantage of - you’re fed up.

The whole “you knew what you were getting in to” statement constantly thrown about is boring and ridiculous so take that with a pinch of salt. What was life 7years ago isn’t anymore.. there are now 2 further children involved.

as a stepmum to 2 (now adults) I was the one who involved them with everything, mine went without as we did very little the weekend we didn’t have SK so that they constantly felt involved but that changes as years go on and they all grow. If it’d been my 30th I’d have wanted them there, if it didn’t work for Bm then so be it but they were always asked.

i don’t understand the 7pm pick up being that much of an issue unless you both have to be there at bedtimes every night?! So I do think some adjustments can be made by you all. That being said, just because it suits BM doesn’t mean it HAS to suit you.

personally, your OH sounds like a good dad. I think he’s probably making up for not being “present” daily with his 1st but that doesn’t and shouldn’t stop him from being present and there for his others too. Could he take the others along to eldests football? Take them all to the park?

do you really do nothing when eldest not with you? Does he always reference it if you plan something without him? I think you have to have your own lives too.. whatever you guys are doing probably means eldest is doing something else in his other home?

I’m no expert but what was a very easy first 8years of being stepmum very quickly turned and ended with a decent 2years of hell (not on kids part) and becoming a stepmum full time from there on in…with no weekend visits so from 1 to 3 children. I’d not change that, I’d change the malicious, manipulating, vindictive BM though !

I think you have to decide if you want to be with your OH. You need to decide what and where things need to change. Counselling maybe? You’re not horrible, you’re navigating 2 families…

If you got a new boyfriend and had more kids would you ditch your old ones to make your new family happy?

He probably spoils his son to compensate for not being there all of the time.

You’re not expected to treat his son the same as your own kids, but letting him treat his son the same as his other children is basic in how to be a decent person. You shouldn’t be with somebody with kids if you don’t understand these principals

Edit to add that you feeling he gives more attention to his son is probably the age, he gets a lot more back from an older child than he does a toddler and baby - this might change as they get older

Yes, I am saying that the level of name calling in this thread is just absurd and nasty.
People are venting and sorting their thoughts here about all different topics. Her feelings aren't unreasonable, btw step mother has no legal obligation whatsoever, and in her actions the OP went above and beyond for the step child, just to see that it wasn't really for the stepchild, but being used by both SC's parents.

Her first responsibility is advocating for her own children, and her own wellbeing. She is right that the father should spend active focused time with all his children, not only the eldest one.

If you don't want your step son over then maybe you need to realise you don't really want your husband. He was part of the deal when you met, not something that popped along later, you have no place being a step parent to even consider coming out with that kind of statement. Of course he was clingy his mum and dad where living separately at the time and his dad had a new partner you were the alien in that situation that has to fit in not your step son. Do the kid a favour and maybe accept that family life wasn't meant for you. Or grow a pair and realise that the kid was your step son before your other kids. He came first and you don't get to have two brand new models and throw away the first.

Oh come off it! What difference would 10 minutes make? And the boy's mum has him way more than his dad does!

He probably spoils his son to compensate for not being there all of the time.

Hurrah, the penny has finally dropped! Yes, he spoils his son to compensate for the split, which then puts his other children at a disadvantage. And no one can understand why the OP is p*ssed off?

Understanding that would mean acknowledging that step mother has a right for her own feelings, which is too hard a concept for many here.

How is spending time and taking an interest in his son "spoiling" him?! He's being a dad!

And you think this is about "legal obligation"...?? What about moral obligation?

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Unless your OH is able to put some boundaries in place with his son about his behaviour towards your family on your special celebration, I can totally understand why you might want to celebrate without him. The problem is, your OH most likely has a guilt thing going on about his son growing up apart from him, about feeling his ex is providing lots of lovely experiences that he can't, having a new family etc. Would you be able to gently explore this with your OH?

My point still stands - if you want to as a step-parent to push for “equality” and all the kids being treated the “same” you should also be accepting an arrangement that is at least 50/50, rather than your partner seeing the kids an afternoon EOW or fussing if they come for tea more than twice a week.

Well very often as we can see on here, the step parent is part of the reason why contact time is limited. But either way It’s very self centred to be silent about your partners eldest kids missing out on their Dad while growing up, but finding your voice about relatively minor things that his overall very “well behaved” kids (her words) are “getting away with” on their twice monthly visits.

These people would be fuming if the situation were reversed and their kids were the ones getting the crumbs of time & money from their Dad. And that’s the hypocrisy I can’t abide from some stepmoms and we are seeing it on this thread from some (not all) .

No I’m obviously criticising the Dad too for both leaving and barely seeing his kids. He is of course the root problem and personally I could never have had children with a man like that seeing how quick he was to move on and play happy families at the detriment of his previous children. I’d feel uncomfortable at my children getting the best of him while he barely seen his other kids. It’s his fault but I wouldn’t want any part in it. Evidently some women obviously have no such qualms.

And just to emphasise again for anyone who wants to say otherwise I am not saying discipline should be thrown out the window altogether by the non-custodial parent.

Originally you said 30 mins now you wanna say 10. I wouldn’t care if it was 2 minutes my routine is my routine and I would not disrupt my kids because the ex wants to be difficult. If daddy dearest can make sure his first born gets everything he needs he needs to make sure his other children get what they need. All that is needed is pre agreed pick and drop off times which suit him and everyone and boundaries. It is not fair he is neglecting his duties to his kids born after the first. Should be fair. The boys mum also doesn’t have him way more which is what’s forgotten. He is at school 9-3 then has clubs so mother has him what max 5 hours, minimum 3 hours a day. And dad has him couple nights in the week and eow. It’s a reasonably fair split. My partners ex decided to question what time they were put to bed she was politely told that what happens in our house is no concern of hers and to keep your beak out. His kids have a routine here and we won’t change that to suit others. Family life in that house shouldn’t stop because step kid shows up.

OP i totally understand as a fellow step parent when you get with someone with kids you have all good intentions but its not as easy as people think its so hard and you try so hard to consider every ones feelings that no one considers yours.

Would you be happy to see your children once a week with a couple of face times?

He’s probably going to be a tough to deal with teenager but will grow up to become a good person. Hang in there stepmom!

Her assertion that her DH spends less time with their joint children, obvs!! Yet she can't put them to bed without him!!!

That's just shit talk!!! I've reared three to adulthood and such inflexibility is absolutely ridiculous!!

You are not being unreasonable if these occasions ( that hes invited)are outside of the usual visits. This would irritate me as everyone is entitled to invite whom they want .
You have to have firm boundaries as it must be challenging having a partner who will not listen.

That’s your opinion, in my opinion, No it’s not. Try being ignored for years on end everytime you have a suggestion, idea, complaint. You reach a point where you feel you cannot speak about situations that directly affect you. You dig your heels in. I’m really pleased you have raised 3 children no mention if they are your own or step but what was good and ok for you isn’t for others. You talk about inflexibility it seems in op’s case and my case their is no flexibility for the BM yet you want step parents to bend and be flexible. Joke. I wouldn’t have my life dictated by a child or a partners ex. End of. Inflexible or otherwise. My house. My rules. Someone who doesn’t live there will not be telling me what happens in my home.

Again those defending OP….how would you respond if a stepfather started a thread like this, complaining that his wife has an 8-year-old daughter from her first marriage, and that his wife ‘always want to be with her’ and ‘include her’ in things despite the fact they have two shared younger children together. Would you agree that she’s not really part of their family unit, that they need and deserve time with just the other children because she’s not a proper family member etc etc

Agree with this i have the same argument why is my life being dictated by an ex a weekend that’s meant to be child free yet all of a sudden she wants to do something and we have to have them extra and im not meant to be annoyed that my weekend is ruined and my feelings dont matter as long as the kids and dad are happy im meant to be aswell.

As I wrote, her first responsibility is for her children and her own wellbeing.

She includes the other child when he is there.

There is no moral obligation to have the step child at her birthday meal on the partner's non contact day and be happy about his choice to not parent him.

They're my and DH's children thankfully. TG I didn't have to deal with stepparenting, because we got married many years ago and stayed married. That said, I can clearly see what's reasonable and what is not.

If delaying a bedtime is that big of a deal, then there's something seriously wrong. The OP's children will not implode if they are not put to bed at 7pm!! You need to seriously re-evaluate how you parent, because it doesn't always work to strict rules!

You have a seriously disturbing attitude towards step-children! Both parents and stepmum need to have a degree of flexibility to make this work.